my engedi

here i am again.

2009-11-15T11:41:00.006-08:00

hey there.
as too often said, it's been awhile.
and yet, here i am again. i was never gone, but i just was not here.

as i sit here, in this comfy leather chair, slippered feet resting on the coffee table, and with soft Christmas music in my ears, i know again that life is good. not that i often question this, but these moments of solitude and reflection are good for my sometimes too busy soul.

it's been an interesting 2+ months. busyness and loneliness and....wondering how it would be ok. but i think i'm finally settling in a bit more to this new environment. making friends, becoming involved, seeking God and finding Him in so much. so much. it's good. i think i'm learning, day after day, what it looks like to be content. content in a way of trusting and knowing God's grace in such tangible ways. and yet, still seeking to know more.

sigh. and there is so much more to know. just when i think i have it figured out, i discover how much i actually don't. it's humbling. i need this. and yet, i find myself wondering when it all will make sense. funny...

anyways. it's time to go for a bike ride. it's too nice outside not to.
peace out, boy and girls scouts...

"and yet" + life

2009-09-27T16:27:00.005-07:00

it's time to write again, to empty my head of some stuff.

first off, "and yet."
what a special combination of 2 three letter words!
in my scholarly readings of late, i have come across "and yet" a few times -once in a reading for intro to music, another in the memoir i was reading for English. and i love them. let me tell you why.
these two words symbolize a turning away from previous thought, a submitting to new possibilities. and there is hope in them. i love this, especially from where i sit right now.

wow. i feel so much. so many "emotions." torn between investing into new things elsewhere. a country away, actually. struggling through it and loving it, all at once. and yet, i want and know i need to invest into the right here, where i am physically, not only where alot of my heart resides. and so, the dilemma of the balance -and is it supposed to be an equal one?- ensues.
i guess i should feel so blessed to love and be loved, all over this deep and wide continent. and i do. and yet, sometimes my heart hurts from being so stretched. it's almost unbearable sometimes.
this is me right now, my reality. figuring out how to be, who to be, who i am becoming in the chaos of it all. it's so rich and good, even if it hurts.
and i keep on coming back to the truth of all things: God is so good. it is His kindness that leads us to repentance and relationship with Him. when i am weak, He is strong. isn't He great?

(this is Henry -i think-, a little something i made for a little someone special.)

settling in...

2009-09-18T14:27:00.004-07:00

wow. i can't believe that it's already been only 3+ weeks since i packed up my earthly belongings and headed east to Grand Rapids. in some ways, it feels like a lifetime ago. and yet, i know the adventure has just begun. in so many ways.

these days, life consists mostly of school and the work that goes along with all that jazz. and it's good and meaningful. oh, i love learning and the classes i'm in this semester! the discussions and the opening of my eyes to so much truth is refreshing. however, i'm trying to make intentional decisions and realizations that life should also contain the balance of meaningful relationships and other life giving things. like sending mail. keeping in touch across the many miles. doing my devotions. knitting. biking, just for the sake of biking. playing with the cousins and spending time with my family here. listening to someone, even when i'm urgent to get that next assignment out of the way.

so, i've been making some friends here. a couple at the church i'm hoping to attend consistently. some at Kuyper. and even finding friends in family. and it's good. i know i'm blessed. God is so faithful.

so, this is where i sit today. knowing that i'm where i should be, even if my heart and body sometimes long to be elsewhere. and thankful that i can see the blessings from where i sit today, knowing that i may need to be reminded tomorrow of God's hand in this.

...and she's back!

2009-09-02T16:40:00.009-07:00

wow. it's been awhile.

after what turned out to be a summer sabbatical from posting on this blog, i have returned. yet, as i sit here sipping hot chocolate and listening to Sigur Ros in the sunroom of my aunt and uncle's home in East Grand Rapids, i wonder where to begin. and so many questions fill my mind. "will i even remember how to do this? will anyone ever read this again, after the likely severe disappointment of not being able to feast their eyes on my humble thoughts for so long?"

don't get me wrong, there was many a time over the last few months when i wanted nothing more than to process the ongoing going ons of this life of mine. a lot has taken place since i last posted. let me give you a bit of a synopsis: moved out of my home of 2 years into my pastors' home; flew away from Vancouver 5 weeks later, leaving many relationships and memories behind, but taking so much in the way of personal growth and life lessons; worked on the family farm for 1.5 months, juggling being a bridesmaid in my cousin's wedding and hosting some amazing people visiting me in NS; packed up and moved to Michigan and am now looking forward to this next year of school, living with some pretty cool family of mine, and growing into what God has for me. yes.

so, this is where i am now. anticipating the future with a mixture of excitement/ fear of the unknown and expectation that God will be faithful throughout yet another season of this life. it's a good place to be -feeling somewhat out of control but able to turn to the One who holds it all in the palm of His hand. it's good.

i hope to write more as i journey this, but for now i'll just leave you with a picture, in case you forgot what i looked like...

mayhem.

2009-05-25T17:43:00.003-07:00

i just came home a bit ago to discover 2 strange men building a fence in the backyard (the new tenants as of June), 2 roommates, a sister and cousin of one roommate, the fiancee of the other, and random furniture EVERYWHERE. all under the same roof.
so. many. people. and their stuff.
hence, i've locked myself in my room. i'm such an introvert.
there is just so much going on right now. so many emotions and changes and...everything. friend leaving for Germany this week. moving out in less than a week -the end of 2 full years of living in this house with some pretty amazing people- and going our separate ways. friend coming from Germany on Sunday eve. leaving YWAM and trying to finish well. heading back to NS in a month and a bit, thus leaving Vancouver and its quite lovable people behind. not being sure of what lies after the summer of milking those cows twice a day.
so. much.
and, i don't know how to handle it all. i just feel like locking myself in my room. oh, wait...i did that already. but really. how do i do this?
sigh. so much, but i don't think it's too much...
somewhere, in the midst of this mayhem, i find peace. the peace that passes all understanding (down in my heart. where? down in my heart.).
and it's ok.
it will be ok.

i love...

2009-05-05T19:55:00.004-07:00

...lilacs on my kitchen table. hoods. scarves. pockets...in everything. deep conversations with good friends. laughing. discovering who i am supposed to be. "golden hour." biking home from work. cooking dinner for those i love. finding the perfect gift for a friend. making cards. being creative when i didn't know i had it in me. reading a compelling book. singing. what i do every day. watching "The Office" with my housemates. talking on skype with faraway friends. sleeping. when God reveals something new to me. roadtrips. weddings. summer. taking good pictures. writing things down. life. babies. joy. hope. grace. a good cry. coffee in the morning. finding friends in strangers. hearing the stories of others. numbers and sudokus. stupid jokes. hearing a song that fits the moment.

right now...

the Bokmas in BC

2009-05-02T16:13:00.015-07:00

as many of you know, British Columbia was graced with the visiting presence of George (aka Dad), Luanne (aka Mom), and Sara (aka sister friend) Bokma in the month of April. oh yes, good times were had.
the threesome arrived by plane on a sunny, yet chilly Good Friday (aka the 28th wedding anniversary of my parents) and the week flew by until Bad Friday, when they left by the same means of transportation. it was sad. but, let's focus on the days in between!
during those 7 days, we managed to paint Vancouver red (not really, it's just a saying...), as well as head to Vancouver Island to explore its many sights (Victoria, Chemainus, Nanaimo, Parksville, Quallicum Beach (and falls!), Coombs, Cathedral Grove, and Port Alberni, to name a few!) it was wonderful to share a bit of my life with them and to make some lasting memories with these loved-ones, if only for a few days.
let's look at some pictures to give you a better picture (:D) of it all!

the good ol' Commercial Drive, where the magic happens...

they are eating with chopsticks! it's a good day, even though Mom swiftly moved to the fork after the photo was taken...

fun times at Lynn Canyon, my tourist hot spot staple!

one of my favorite memories of our time together. it was a clear Sunday night after a typical rainy Vancouver day. in the afternoon, we had gone to our home to nap, and woke up and went to Stanley Park to find this beautiful scene.

4/9ths of the Bokma family in front of the parliment buildings in Victoria. too bad they were closed for tours!

sister time!

cherry blossoms! i'm going to miss these first signs of spring next year...

ferry ride back to Vancouver from Nanaimo (we totally bought Nanaimo bars in Nanaimo and ate them on the ferry!). what a beautiful day!

Mom and i. aren't we cute?

Shannon Falls in Squamish. Sara and i were tired of driving, getting out, and driving again, so we stayed in the car until Dad came running, exclaiming the beauty of this place. he was right. it was positively spectacular!

*if these aren't enough pictures for your viewing pleasure, please make your way to either NS or BC where one of the 3 ladies will be happy to share countless (i'm guessing hundreds) other memories capture on film and in our hearts. thank you, and have a great day!

becoming.

2009-05-02T13:57:00.003-07:00

as always, where to begin?
it's been one of "those" days. just lazing around the house, puttering about, talking with friends, but not getting much done. and this is difficult for someone who gauges the success of her day by what she finishes. i know, it's only 4PM, but the day is steadily slipping away from me. and once again, my fear of being out of control is controlling me. sigh...
it's on days like these that hopelessness and insecurity reign. my idle mind wanders, and i find myself lost. ravaged by emotions and doubts, i crumble in a heap. who am i? where am i going? why is it so hard?
yet, in this seeming hopelessness, i also find myself found. Someone is pursuing me and watering the seeds He has planted. He is growing me, i am becoming, and there IS hope.
i am His, and He is mine. delightful.

seasons.

2009-04-22T15:10:00.007-07:00

this one has been percolating (like good coffee, i hope!) inside of me for awhile, but i guess i felt that i didn't have the time or words to put these thoughts of mine down. until now, when i should be doing some work, but just can't think past these thoughts that are ready to emerge. i'm due for a break anyway. here we go...

sigh. life is...so many things! i feel like i'm beginning to discover so many new things about myself in this time. and it's not all fun. discovering that i hate not feeling in control of things and beginning to shut down when i find myself in this position. realizing that in an effort to anticipate (and often stress about!) future plans, i'm missing out on relationships and experiences right in front of me. i regret this. wondering if, with the new changes that are coming my way, i'll find myself to be flexible in adapting to or rebellious in accepting what i have signed up for. i pray for God's grace and hope in this time, and the one to come. oh, and i'm uber emotional all the time. yay. [well, i guess i'd rather be in touch with my emotions right now, than have a cold heart of stone. but, my crying outbursts are beginning to tire me out...literally. like, right now.]

yeah, i just don't know. i'm at that point again, seeking direction and hoping that i'm going in the right one. needing to hear from God and to trust Him, really trust that He has gone before me and is leading me well. but sometimes, it's so hard to take that first and second step of obedience. i want to walk on that water, but i have to step out of the boat, as someone once wisely wrote.

sigh. but why does it have to be so difficult? why can't i just see a glimpse of how it will turn out? oh, i need to learn trust.

Psalm 23

2009-04-14T22:04:00.006-07:00

...He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul...

beautiful day (Sunday's musings).

2009-03-22T14:50:00.002-07:00

i <3 Sundays.
they are quite possibly the best day of the week. to me, this sunny day has a warm glow of life and community and joy to it. sigh. it's the best.
as i sip my freshly ground and brewed coffee and pick at my banana bread, the product of one of my domestic housemates, i feel so content and...blessed to live this life.
as i stood in church this morning at the close of the service, i realized how much i love the benediction/ parting blessing. so, i will leave you with these words that have blessed the beginning of my week and this beautiful day.

²⁵Now to him who is able to establish (& strengthen!) you by my gospel and the proclamation of Jesus Christ, according to the revelation of the mystery hidden for long ages past, ²⁶but now revealed and made known through the prophetic writings by the command of the eternal God, so that all nations might believe and obey him— ²⁷to the only wise God be glory forever through Jesus Christ! Amen.

sigh...

2009-03-16T21:15:00.003-07:00

this is it. this is my life. right here, right now. it's not waiting for me as i wait for it, for something big to happen to signal a new chapter or season. it just takes place every day, whether i'm ready or not. it just is.
i just came back from a walk to London Drugs and the bank to get some money and random things. well, my intention was just to get some pictures developed, but i walked out with a Coke, a Snickers bar, a gluestick, and an Arizona Red Apple Green Tea. oh, the things i buy when i'm in this mood...
i really enjoy getting out of the house on nights like this. there is a mist in the air as little rain droplets fall from the sky. believe it or not, i'll miss the moody rain habits of this unpredictable city. i'm forced to pull those all-too-easily-distracting-mp3-earbuds out of my ears as this precipitation pitter patters on the healthy green shrubs as i walk by in the dark. friendly piano music somehow escapes the well-gated and ominous Helen's grocery store, and i begin to think that Helen and i would be friends, if only we knew each other, if only i could work up the nerve to not be scared of the self-spun myths of her stealing small children to sell the small clothes hanging on her fence. a neighbor smiles as he climbs into his car, as another yells at his smoke alarm that has gone off yet again. oh, i'll miss this neighborhood.
this is my life, and i don't want to miss it. as it happens, i want to be there, here, experiencing it and living it.
oh, i'm beginning to sound like the sappy country song i'm listening to, as i type this out in the cozy kitchen with two of my roommates...sigh. life.

today.

2009-02-17T19:55:00.003-08:00

today, i love my life.
as i bike in the early morning to the job i love, i ride towards the big, bright, blue mountains for which Vancouver is named one of the most b-e-a-utiful cities on this earth. as i work, i feel purposeful and as if what i am doing matters and makes a difference. as i head home, i am blessed to see the sun set on Vancouver, casting warm shadows.
today, i love my life.

an afternoon with Soph and Ella.

2009-02-07T19:17:00.008-08:00

(when i asked her to pose cutely, Sophia went and grabbed her doll

and then had her doll hold a baby...)

it has been another joyous day!
i had the pleasure of spending the afternoon with the little Pallister ladies, and we were blessed with another sunny Vancouver day.
i think one of my favorite parts of the day was when, at lunch, Sophia all of a sudden got really serious. then she piped up and exclaimed, "Reba, i have something to tell you! God just gave me a message. He wants me to tell you that He loves you...and He loves me too!" isn't that the best? i felt so blessed to be reminded of this by such an insightful 4 year old.

what a nice sister shot! this is actually Eleanor's attempt at a smile and not a grimace...

no, i do not eat children. this was an attempt at re-enacting funny pictures that Sophia and i took together when i first moved here and was babysitting her once.

and then Eleanor attacked me. oh, we had fun!

gifts.

2009-02-06T15:57:00.006-08:00

so, i've decided that God is pretty much the best gift-giver in the whole world.
i've been having a hard time of just reflecting on and embracing what's been happening in my life lately. desperately wanting to feel something, anything towards all that has taken place in the last week. going so far as to wish for the deeply emotional times of feeling intense pain, just so that i could also experience joy again.
but just now, as i sat outside, drawn there by the sun casting warm shadows and my need to process in some way, i was overwhelmed by God's gifts/grace in my life. let me name a few:
discovering a delicious recipe and succeeding, with the help of Ms. Betty Crocker and Mr. Bis Quick. receiving a beautiful journal and card from my brother and sister, being blessed by God through them. getting a new job that came together in less than 8 hours. experiencing coffee, good times, and friendship with roommates. having a week between ending my YWAM commitment and beginning my new job. getting to play with kids for work. witnessing a beautiful week in the midst of Vancouver winter. being able to trust that His ways are good and not feeling devastated on Tuesday that we didn't get the re-zoning for the YWAM building. getting accepted into college and finishing my financial aid applications. sharing food and fellowship at my church's Community Nights and YWAM's potlucks. getting to chat for a few minutes last night with a friend that i miss muchly. watching "The Office" and laughing at and quoting it with my housemates. eating free doughnuts. writing in my new journal. being content right now...it's good. God is good. i hope i never stop realizing this...

garlic cheese biscuits...mmm!
playing scrabble with Krista and Hannah...
note some of the weird words we came up with
Joshua and Sylvie
doughnuts!
journaling outside in the sun

what a day!

2009-02-03T19:11:00.005-08:00

we at YWAM Vancouver had a pretty monumental day, hearing after 2 years and many meetings with the city and our opposing neighbors, that we would not be able to re-zone the building that we have seen God so miraculously provide for. we'll be putting it up for sale tomorrow and continuing to trust God to provide His best for us, no matter what this looks like tangibly.
and then, tonight i got an email informing me that i have been accepted to Kuyper College for the Fall 2009 session. YAY!
what a day of sobering and exciting news! and through it all, God is so faithful.
last night, i was listening to my mp3 player, and "Faithful," by Brooke Fraser came on. here is the chorus that hit me (well, not literally):

when i can't feel you, i have learned to reach out just the same/ when i can't hear you, i know you still hear every word i pray/ and i want you more than i want to live another day/ and as i wait for you maybe i'm made more faithful

ah, that last line is a kicker! shouldn't that be my goal? to grow in faithfulness as i seek and wait? *sigh* easier said than done.
i could go on and on, but i'd rather try to collect my thoughts first than put words to them only as i write.
it's been a good day, a blessed week. God is good and faithful.
AMEN.

afternoon delight...

2009-01-18T17:26:00.012-08:00

This sunny Sunday afternoon has done me good. I was beginning to succumb to my hermit-like tendencies until -alas!- the sun made its appearance today. Sigh…’twas good.
I headed to church on my bike this morning, with Jen on my left and Dan (both housemates) on my right. And I’m pleased (yet feeling slightly sympathetic) to say that my rickety ol’ bike was the only one of the three that did not propel their rider from its seat. Good job, still unnamed bike!
Church was good. So good for my soul. There is definitely a lot to be said about worshiping in a community of believers. I <3 it. And then, after arriving home and puttering about for awhile, I went for a journey around the block at golden hour, experimenting with this new camera of mine. I hope that you enjoy the product of its work...
It was a blessed day!

...on a jet plane...

2008-12-23T20:43:00.002-08:00

[i wrote this on the plane ride from Vancouver to Toronto today...]

here i am, sitting on a plane, willing it to get to Toronto, the next short season in my life, faster.

i feel like the plane, heading to one place from another, in between. i’m pondering memories of this last fall and the blessing of friends in Vancouver, as well as getting really excited to spend the holidays with my precious family and to rest. and i’m afraid that the former may effect how well i engage the latter.

someone once said, “wherever you go, there you are.” i like it and it should be/needs to be true for me right now. i want to be fully present where I am today, not willingly lost in remembering yesterday and anticipating tomorrow. and I guess, right now this means me leaving/ arriving on a jet plane, reflecting on where i am right now.

sigh…life.

end of November=December=Christmas and more...

2008-11-30T22:19:00.003-08:00

wow...November 2008 ends in less than an hour.
where have the first 11 months of this year gone? only one more to go? this is lunacy! i am becoming more and more of an avid supporter of my stance that time speeds up as i grow older. the years go by faster as i age, i'm sure.
and as i head into December, my day planner has filled up faster than a plate is filled by a glutton at a buffet. i am thoroughly convinced that the world believes that the whole month of December equals Christmas. and maybe my schedule betrays the fact that i too am succumbing to this idea...
but, i'm not here today to write about how we have taken the "Christ" out of "Christmas" or whatever. maybe some other time. i'm actually not quite sure with what purpose i came to write today. maybe i just wanted to tame my mind by putting some of the thoughts that are bouncing around down...maybe i just wanted to be heard, as i sit alone in a house with 3 sleeping childfolk... maybe i wanted to document the fact that i do actually think and have thoughts as evidence for the times when it appears that i seldom do...
i wish i could really capture all that has happened/ is happening in my life. so many emotions and thoughts and joys and fears. new perspectives and now i'm just trying to figure out how to live and breathe through them. but how do i take the first step when i feel limited by myself and my circumstances? how do i live abundantly when i have boundaries in the areas i want to grow in? do i just try to grow around them?
what are the answers to my life?
bueller? bueller?
i think i may have some of the answers to these questions or at least know where i can find them. thanks for hearing me ramble on.
and don't think that this will be the end of it...

chocolate chip cookies and life.

2008-11-25T19:58:00.004-08:00

right now, i'm making a couple of batches of chocolate chip cookies for breaks for our DTS. i am also trying to figure out my life. i know, i know, these are two activities that are so likely to be paired together...

what am i supposed to do with this life that has been so generously granted to me? i feel like i am in high school all over again, feeling the pressure of the impending decisions that i need to make. and desperately not wanting to mess it all up.
i want to hold this life, my life with open hands and be a good steward of it, but what does this actually look like? what does this mean for February and beyond? and what about a year from now? is school the right move? i'm having selfdoubts that i'll be able to jump right back in, after almost 4 years out of the academic life. and what do i want to learn? there is just so much to discover! and i want to do it all...
i think that i might be falling back into the dangerous area of being so afraid to make a move for fear that it is the "wrong" direction, that i don't even trust God to lead and guide me...
oh God, help me to trust You where you are taking me, right here, right now.

cookies call. this little post has been cathartic. thanks.
and please pray for me...

the sock monkey story...

2008-11-24T22:04:00.005-08:00

so, as much as it seems that this story has been told and retold to its death, i realize that it really hasn't traveled much further than the city limits of Vancouver. thus, "the sock monkey story" is about to be told yet again...

(plus, it's high time that i share a humorous -i hope- tidbit of my life instead of always pensively yammering on about the perplexities of life. high time.)

on Saturday evening, i was out for a walk to get some coffee with a close friend, when a man sitting outside one of the coffee shops politely asked the time as we passed by. i gave him a prompt answer and we carried on. not 3 seconds later, as we reached a bus stop, another man posed a question. confident after assisting the coffee man, i was ready to save the day with yet another quick answer. but this man asked a question that i wasn't sure i wanted to answer. in his drunken state, he lifted up his keychained sock monkey and asked,

"can you show me how to spank the monkey?"

a little taken aback by his candor, i did what all good friends would do in the same situation. after a pause and a little giggle, i referred the bus stop man to my friend for his answer.

this is kinda what the little guy looked like.
i mean, the keychained sock monkey, not the bus stop man or coffee man or my friend, when she was mad at me.

i want to write but i don't know what...

2008-11-11T22:25:00.003-08:00

life. it's crazy (i always say this, don't i? i need to find more words...) and beautiful at the same time.

this week in DTS land, we're learning about justice and what it looks like in the world today. it's so scary, yet exciting. i mean, it's great to hear stories of how others are reconciling the world to truth, but where do i fit in? i know that God calls me to be a bringer of justice, but how can i if i'm struggling with even having a heart for it, for others?
our speaker said something interesting today:
we love out of our own needs. we love because we need love.
this is so true. i don't know if i would care so much about people if i knew they couldn't or wouldn't love me back...
i'm not really sure how to proceed from this thought, so i'm going to leave it here for now...

dear Vancouver,

2008-11-06T17:33:00.004-08:00

i am writing you to inform you that i am a bit perturbed with you.
over the last few weeks, you have been throwing me off-guard with your moody weather habits.
one minute, it's sharp and cold, yet sunny. and then, before you (or i) know it, the heavens part to release more precipitation than is in most oceans.
really, it's a bit much. and i'm not ready for it. no raincoat (that i like). no umbrella (it got lost this past spring). only some Zellers boots that are less than comfortable. yet, they are highly functionable, and for this, i am thankful.
case in point: one very rainy morning this week (i believe that it was Tuesday), i donned my rain apparel: some handmedown "outdoor" (NOT waterproof) pants, a spring jacket and my bag under a clear plastic poncho, my helmet, and my afore-mentioned rainboots. as i pulled out of my back alley and onto the bike path on my bike headed to work and ready (or so i thought) to face the weather, a fellow biker pulled up beside me, commenting on my amazing rain gear. i muttered something about making do with what i had and wished him a nice day, purposely slowing down, so that he would pass me and go about biking in his snazzy matching waterproof spandex pants, uber waterproof jacket, and shoes that attach to his bike pedals. thankfully, he took my hint.
Vancouver, not only are you soaking me, you are allowing me to be embarrassed. meany!
this is my main complaint for now.
thank you for your time,
Rebecca

oh life...

2008-11-02T16:49:00.004-08:00

oh life...
it feels like my life is just whizzing past me at the speed of light right now. i'm trying to grasp onto something, anything that is stable so that i can find my place again, but it feels nearly impossible.
i just came back home from 2 weeks away (i was staying at my pastors' house with 2 of our DTS students while T and J were away on a missions trip), including a week in Kelowna for the YWAM GO Conference. and so much has happened. it feels like the whole world is a new place. or maybe i'm just viewing it through different eyes. and yet, i don't feel like i've really grasped these changes at all.
oh, i could write a book right now, just trying to document/figure out what i have learned/am learning! but i can't. no time. i'm on a schedule. things to do. people to see. cards to write. gifts to send. party at my house tonight. sigh...when will the madness stop? i.need.to.breathe...

one morning this week, i felt like God wanted me to awake early and see the sunrise. it was one of the most incredible things ever. thanks, God. You are good.

i live for moments like these. a time where i can reflect on the "now" and how blessed i am to be alive and here.
sigh...

one of those days...

2008-10-18T16:14:00.005-07:00

it's been one of those days. i have 2 posts (half) written that i've never published, yet i still can't seem to spit out what i want to say today.
it's been a good day. a contemplative one....
this morning, two of my friends had their third wedding event after tying the knot in Utah and then having a reception in Australia. it was great to stand with them as they celebrated their covenant with each other and God once again.
not surprisingly, their marriage causes me to wonder if a white dress, beautiful flowers, and beaming groom are in my future. this has actually been a major issue in the "learning to trust God" phase of my life, lately. it's funny (but not really...) how i can trust Him with most anything else, but i don't seem to think that He can handle this area. i've been told that if God has placed the desire to marry in your heart, then He won't not have you fall in love, but life has been teaching me that it just isn't that simple and straightforward. relationships are not logical. and this is hard for my "a+b=c" mind to grasp. really. sometimes i wish that they made sense like that, but then i realize that they just wouldn't be as beautiful and often miraculous if they were always predictable. sigh...this doesn't make it any easier, though...

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD"
Psalm 27:14

oh, what to write?

2008-09-28T17:32:00.002-07:00

that day has rolled around once again. the day when my overwhelming guilt of establishing a blogspot and telling you that i'll be regularly posting and then leaving it dormant for a month at a time, so now i should write something just to quench your thirst for another month, day.
sigh. i really want to write something that will make you laugh or really just sit still and think, but i just don't know what to say. [there's a first, eh?] often, my deep and profound moments of thought are also inconvenient ones. they often occur when i'm riding my bike or in the shower, and i just cannot put my thoughts down before they leave my head.
as i write, i'm sitting outside on my covered porch during my favorite time of the day: golden hour. it's such a romantic time. i'm sipping my coke and vanilla extract beverage (no really, it's tastier than it sounds! and it's as close as i can get to vanilla coke...) and listening to some great music (check out Ingrid Michaelson's "the hat"). the day is beautiful and there is even the smell of freshly clean laundry in the air. yet, i feel so scattered.
i thought that this would be a perfect weekend. one of calmness (rest and reflection) before the storm (DTS+life) hit. but it's been a weird one. i don't even know how to describe it. it just is what it is.
and i guess i've been feeling really insecure lately. knowing that i'm an insecure leader and wanting to grow in this during this upcoming season. feeling and being awkward around people lately. not wanting to welcome new people in. wanting to grow in creativity, yet doubting my ability. anticipating my future with confidence and doubt at the same time. wanting deeper relationships, but not offering them to others. wondering all the time how people perceive me. do they laugh at and judge my faults? i know i do this. it's just so humbling feeling so awkward. and maybe that's what i need right now. humility. and grace, knowing that God loves me all the same, regardless of my awareness of self.
i hate that i feel i always have to come to a conclusion about where i am at. sometimes there are no answers to questions, yet i always feel the need to find one. and i think that some questions are meant to stay as such for awhile, until God reveals His purpose in them.
deep breath.
this is where i am now. reflecting life, all the while knowing that i'm in a new season of growth and becoming. and i take such great comfort in this. God is good. all the time. all the time. God is good.
amen.

my August in pictures.

2008-08-30T17:17:00.012-07:00

so, friends, it is high time that i post some pictures of some of the highlights in my life over the past month. on a side note, i cannot believe that it is already (almost) September!!! where did this summer go? if you know, please inform me.

let us begin with my trip to NS at the end of July until August 9. one of the major events while i was there was the Bokma family reunion. and our birthday, but it really wasn't that big...

Beppe and Pake, the 2 who started it all (aren't they so cute?).

it was wonderful to be near family that had traveled both far and near to be there. this is Tante Linda and my cousin Hans with me on a bus tour of southern NS.

Pake and myself, outside the famed bus.

this is a picture of a secluded (or at least that's what i was told before changing into my bathing suit and meeting a friendly stranger before i was finished) beach in southern NS.
much of the fun and fellowship had during the reuniting was centered around the karaoke. you should've seen me all fired up, singing "Have You Ever?" in memory of my unrequited love in jr. high. for now, you can see Rachel breaking it down in the back.

this is a picture of most of the beautiful Bokma family in our matchy matchy t-shirts.
"we're FINALLY 21!"
i'm not sure why that's so exciting, but i think it has to do with the fact that we're not "only 20" anymore...

we went for a (free) mini-golfing escapade the day i left. it's a good idea to distract oneself with such activities when avoiding dealing with the emotions that are coupled with separation for an extended period of time. [ok, so my camera conked out for forever at this point in time, so my photo documentation of the following weeks is not as extensive as when i had a functioning camera. your understanding is appreciated]

next, after less than a week back in Vancouver, i was off again, this time headed not so far east to Pinawa, Manitoba for 10 days for a YWAM staff conference/retreat. as previously stated, few pictures were taken (none actually of the retreat or in MB...), so savor these next 3 snapshots...

this picture of Jana, myself, and Rene, depicts how excited we were to be on the road for 6 days total (3 there and 3 back).
this picture is of some of the gang that filled 11 of the 12 seats in
the 15 passenger van (you can see the van in the back).

this picture of Jana, myself, and Rene depicts how excited we are to be arriving home the next day.

it really has been a great August. "thanks!" goes out to all those who contributed to make it this way!
and, i know that you're probably thinking "wow! 3 posts in a row. Rebecca has repented of slacking off, posts-wise." yeah, sorry, this is just not true. i had lots to fill you in on. if things change, i'll let you know. right now, it's after 9 PM, and i have much more to do once i cross "writing a post about my August in pictures" off the list.

sometimes...

2008-08-30T14:52:00.006-07:00

sometimes i hate looking at other people's blogs, because then i feel bad for not writing on mine often enough. and then, when i finally do get a creative urge and time, i write about how i never write....
it feels like life has thrown me somewhat of a curve ball this week. that, or i just wasn't prepared for what it would hold. after being home in NS for a bit over 2 weeks and then being in Vancouver for less than a week and then proceeding to jump into a van with 10 others headed to Pinawa, MB, for a YWAM Canada conference/retreat for 10 days total, i just didn't know which way was up. the aforementioned trips were all very special, meaningful, and important to me (and i'll post more about them soon), but i guess i didn't know what to expect next. over the course of this past week, our DTS has been cancelled and is now on again, i have had the joy of discovering some of the not-so-fun aspects of my anal personality, i have prayed about and think i know what is next after my commitment to YWAM is done, i have said goodbye to some close friends, i have taken on some new responsibilities that in hindsight might be a bit much, and more...
but, today is a new day. i don't feel as bewildered as i did earlier on this week. and over the last while, i have been learning some stuff. like how taking risks and trusting that God will always be with me wherever i am and whatever i do is much more freeing than being afraid of failure. that i can be excited about the future while still remembering the past with fondness. and how to proceed when i realize how stupid i can be to the people i care about.
it's been a weird/difficult week, but a good one. one of pain and change and transition, yet also one of perspective and hope and grace.

(picture taken by Rachel Anne Bokma)

an excerpt from my journal...

2008-08-25T23:33:00.005-07:00

i hope to write in more detail regarding my life in the last month, but for tonight, i will just post an excerpt from my journal entry for today...

I just wanted to write down the thought of the day from our kitchen windowsill counter, since I find it so apt in the cynicism and jugmentalism that I too often find myself in:

"Living simply means concentrating on what's important in light of eternity, and not taking the rest of life too seriously."
-Annie Chapman

it is always so easy for me to fuss about whether or not the kitchen is clean to my specifications or if i feel life is being fair to me, but at the end of the day, i need to just get over myself and move on. this quote kinda puts it all into perspective. all too often, i need that swift kick in the pants.
well said, Annie. well said.

a trip down memory lane.

2008-07-18T14:03:00.004-07:00

the other day, i was out and about and happened into the Dutch Girl Chocolate store on Commercial Drive. every time i go there, i wonder if and wish that they have one of my favorite candies that i used to get from my Beppe's candy drawer when i was a girl: lemon drops.
well, i had never seen them at the DGC store before, but the other day, much to my amazement and joyful discovery, i found out that they did indeed sell them there! so, i promptly bought them.
now, they aren't exactly the same ones that i remember (these ones are round, as you can see in the picture below, not lemon shaped), but they are still delicious and i'm pretty excited to bring this fun little discovery home with me when i go to NS next week. "yay!" for lemon drops.

(i apologize for the poor picture quality. recently, my digital camera display screen broke, so i have had to revert back to taking pictures by actually peeking through the little viewfinder hole. i'm still re-learning, as you can tell.)

my life in photos...

2008-07-15T20:41:00.007-07:00

before i begin, i would just like to point out that the last time i posted was only a week ago. i'm getting better at doing this whole blog thing. perhaps a huge factor in this equation is that i finally have my computer in my hands...perhaps.
that said, i am going to forgo the whole typing thing, and use photos instead to fill you in on the goings on of my life thus far this summer.
so, sit back, relax, and prepare your optical organs for the adventure...

i helped plant a community garden with some friends
(this is a older photo, so it is not completely accurate...)

this is at a small group function, complete with some exuberant young men

this is Dez, Jennifer, and myself at the annual and equally delightful Commercial Drive Car-free Festival

speaking of "adventure," this photo depicts a couple of beautiful ladies that were on the Mission Adventure team from Colorado/Wyoming that i hosted in June

i have been drinking copious amounts of water. it is important and essential to do so. (there are no large glasses at the church that we are working at, but they do have measuring cups!)

spending time with small children of the same name
(Rebecca Jane and Rebecca Joy)

me, attending a fantastically fun toga-que (definition: a barbeque that you wear a toga to) hosted by the lovely Laura (pictured) and Radiant Rene (not pictured)

so, it has been a good summer so far, as you can see. i am looking forward to part 2 of this story, and am going into it knowing that i am so blessed to be here, with these people, at this time in my life.

waiting.

2008-07-08T11:01:00.002-07:00

this moment is one of waiting.
waiting at the office for Jessa and Hillary, because Jessa forgot me here in her flurry of banking and needing to meet Hill at Superstore. i was supposed to be picked up somewhere in that mix of activity...
waiting for my new laptop (which is, for the moment, dubbed vanilla bean...i know, cheesy) to arrive. right now it's stuck in the "USA Ground Line Haul," whatever that means. it has been "there" (wherever "there" is) for over a week now, and i just want it to come. in some ways, i've been waiting 3 years for it, ever since my parents gave me money towards a computer when i graduated high school. *sigh* i know it's only an earthly treasure, but still...
waiting a couple more weeks to go back to the other side of Canada to be with my family, some who i haven't seen in over a year or more. some who i've never even met. i'm so excited to just be with those people.
waiting for much more. to know what i'm supposed to do in the next few years. for Mr. Right ("true love waits," right?). for life to happen, when i know it already is happening as i wait.
waiting. i'm not even sure if waiting is always a good thing. shouldn't i just carry on as usual? but some things need to be waited for. can i wait and still actively pursue life at the same time? heck, i'll give it a try. at least, i think that's what i've been up to lately.
waiting, oh waiting. maybe God is trying to teach me some patience through these things...

life update + (almost) a week with Mel + YWAM meeting update

2008-05-14T16:47:00.013-07:00

my beloved readers,
yes, i am still alive.
once again, it has been a while since i last posted my thoughts and feelings about life. to sum up my absence, life is really good, but God is even better. i feel as if a lot of my ponderings and prayers have been answered, and this has allowed me to reach some major conclusions about what i believe God has in store for me.
1) i LOVE Vancouver and am becoming more passionate by the day about God's people here. i'm getting excited about what i think God is preparing me for.
2) i thoroughly enjoy the church family that God has blessed me with, and i am so inspired by how they yearn to see God move in this city. these are some amazing people.
3) God is always faithful, but i have been realizing His providence even more lately. He has given me so much encouragement and opportunities to grow in trust and faith and love. yay, God!

one of the things that has been so great about the last couple of weeks is that i just had my friend (and cousin) Melissa here. she arrived last week Wednesday afternoon and left last night. we had SUCH a wonderful time together, as this was Mel's first trip out west and it has been a long time since we've been able to spend this much concentrated time together.
seeing as 1) a picture equals 1,000 words and 2) i don't feel like being clever enough to write a book at this point in time 3) i happen to have some great pictures depicting our time together, i will leave it to the following snapshots (and some small captions) to do the talking.

Mel and i, posing at the Horseshoe Bay Ferry Terminal, where we went to pick up

Ryan Vanderkooy for a day's visit Ryan and Mel, waiting at the bus stop, which we did alot of

during our time together
hugging some trees (or was it just 1?) the 3 of us
Asian fingers, in the Chinese Sun Yatsen Gardens

Mel introduced me to the joy and mouth-watering deliciousness of Quizno's subs...mmm

yes, good times were had, indeed. and apparently, Mel and i wore the same clothes the entire time we spent together. ok, so maybe we didn't, but isn't it comforting to think that some things never change, even if they were clothes? ok, so again, maybe not so much. regardless, memories were made this week; confidence (and patience) was gleaned as we explored the city on the often unreliably late, yet brimming-with-beautiful-people buses; and fun and laughter ensued.

thanks, Mel, for gracing my life with your presence this week.

and to cap off this post, the meeting last week Wednesday (May 7) regarding the re-zoning application that YWAM Vancouver made to the city went ok. please continue to pray for favor with the city and patience and humility and love for us to extend to our neighbors. please email me if you're interested to hear more about how it went.

thanks for reading, friends.

blessings!

please pray...

2008-04-25T17:47:00.005-07:00

hey friend(s) [not assuming, but still hoping that more than one person reads this]!
i would like to take this opportunity to ask you guys to pray for us at YWAM Vancouver, as we are still standing in faith for our ministry center on Napier Street.
on March 12, 2008, we saw God provide so that we could buy the building with a mortgage, and He has proven faithful time and time again.
however, right now, we are facing more than money problems. there have been some issues with our re-zoning application, regarding parking regulations and some other seemingly simple conundrums. one of the major problems that goes along with this is that if this application doesn't get accepted before the next city election in the fall, we will have to start the process over again. also, there have been some questions about our neighbors' views on us, as there have also been some lies or skewing of the truth told and believed by a few people in our neighborhood.
so, how to pray? there will be a community meeting on May 7, so please pray that this gathering will be informative and reassuring to some of our concerned neighbors and that we will receive support from them. please pray that as we are frustrated with the difficult circumstances we face, that we will continue to rely on God's grace in order to love our neighbors. and please pray that we will continue to see God provide in the way of finances.
thank you for standing with us.
God bless.
me

the view of my beautiful city from our rooftop
some of the YWAM Vancouver staff, standing in front of our big, yellow re-zoning sign

what to write?

2008-03-01T21:59:00.013-08:00

hmmm...i was just sitting here, really wanting to write a new post, yet not knowing what i have to say. and i'm feeling a tad bit munchy, but that's beside the point.
alot has happened over these last few weeks. i'm actually still processing through some of it. none of it is super life changing, but it's still change. and i'm not always good with it. issues with re-zoning the YWAM building and raising money to buy it. DTS coming back from 3 different outreach locations. no DTS in March. possibly heading home to NS for MissionsFest Halifax at the end of March. going from a house of 2 to a house of 5 girls again, when 3 roommates came back from NZ and Indonesia.
and a big one:
Rachel coming. Rachel going.
my beloved sister came to visit me for 9 days in the midst of February, and that was very lovely. the weather was sunny and warm, i got to see more of my beautiful city through Rachel's eyes, and many memories were made. lovely indeed. please view the following pictures to see just how lovely it was.

Rachel, as she discovers the beauty of the mountains on our way to church

mmm...S-bux. this is a bit of a tradition that we've started. well, this was only the second time we've done it, but i think it's fun.

we had a beautiful afternoon at Lynn Canyon, and...

Rachel overcame her crippling (ok, so maybe not that severe) fear of heights, and this is her smiling on the suspension bridge! i'm so proud...

just thought i'd throw in a pic of myself, in one of my favorite places besides China: Chinatown.

aww...sisters. and icecream. what a great combination!

...and she fit in so well with my friends, Carla and Julia.

us, at Stanley Park, in our matching sweatpants. i wonder why people constantly stop and asked us if we are twins...?

was it truly lovely? yes. perfect? no. there are no pictures taken during small spats or emotional explosions.
yes, i was really glad to have her come, but i definitely had a hard time with the going back part.
also, i had really high expectations of our time together. basically, after a month of planning and dreaming of what we'd do, i envisioned perfection, and that was far from a realistic expectation. consequently, i was slightly grumpy and emotional, making for an unperfect time. we talked about it and i apologized for acting dumb, but it was not fun.
yet, it was a good visit. one that i do not wish was any different.
yes, it was difficult to completely ignore the fact that my earthly best friend would have to leave just a few days after arriving, but i was comforted in realizing that people can't make me happy, and i shouldn't put that expectation on them to do so. and this revelation allows me to find my hope of perfection in Jesus, the only One Who can fill me and complete me.
was this a messy realization? perhaps.
an even better question is this:
was it worth it?
and the answer?
heck yes.
and this is where i will leave my little random rant on change and how it has impacted me over the last while.
until next time...

i'm back!

2008-01-28T22:00:00.001-08:00

this is my first post of 2008 and also the first post of the beginning of my second year in Vancouver. yes, i have been living here for more than a year now! my, how the first year flew by!
it has been very different to be back here again. things have changed drastically since the fall, during which a lot of the time i was running around like a chicken with its head cut off...at this time in YWAM Vancouver history, not much is going on in the office, since many of our staff and students are gone home for awhile or are on outreach.
while i am feeling a little bit unproductive, work wise (pic #1: Rene, Jana, and i, posing on the YWAM roof), i have thoroughly enjoyed filling my evenings with fun activities like the ESL Bible study on Mondays (pic #2: meet my two new friends, Korean ESL guests, BoRa and SoRa), aquafit on Tuesdays or Thursdays, Community Night and Vespers on Wednesday, and so on. i also had fun helping out at Missions Fest Vancouver this past weekend (pic #3: Rene, myself, Jill, and Jana).
so, it seems like this year is off to a good start, even if it is a bit different than the last. God is good, wherever we are, and He continues to teach and mold me through the different situations and circumstances that this time holds for me.
at this moment, i am feeling very satisfied. amen.

joy.

2007-12-26T14:09:00.000-08:00

my middle name is joy.

1. the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally
good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation.

a characteristic that, as of late, i have been longing for, wishing that i personified.

for a time, Nehemiah 8:10 was my motto in life:

...the joy of the LORD is your strength.

i loved that verse and it gave me much strength to know that this experience, more than just a fleeting feeling, comes from Him. but then i guess i forgot...

forgot what it meant to be joyful, to live a joy-filled life. i remember reaching a certain point in my life, and sincerely believing that i would have to stop being "weird" in order for people to like me. i would have to put aside my humor, which was often seen as different and maybe a bit immature, in order to be accepted. i let a little bit of joy be stolen from me. and i mourned this. yes, maturing is a part of growing up, but i felt that i would have to forsake who i was just to fit in. sad.

coming back from living in Vancouver for almost a year, i have realized that i have taken on the responsibilities of adulthood and life, while often sacraficing my laugh and delight in the little things. i was talking on the phone with my mom a few weeks before i arrived back in NS-probably sharing some amazing and profound lesson learned from difficulty- and somewhat out of the blue, she said that she missed my laugh. this caught me off guard. i realized that i have been just going and going and haven't taken the time to do things that i love, things that fill me with joy. journaling, praying, reading. again, i so longed for the joy after which i have been named.

all these words and ramblings just to say that i have really enjoyed this last week, being home in NS with family and friends, minus alot of the stresses of the city life. it seems that i am on the way to finding my joy in God again. what an exciting time!

beautiful.

2007-12-05T22:09:00.000-08:00

i was walking home tonight and was thinking about this picture that i had taken on the way to church one day, and it dawned on me: no matter how ugly and sinful we are, God has called us beautiful. we are beautiful to Him despite our brokenness. we are beautiful in our absolute need for Him. we are beautiful because we are His, and He loves us. and that's enough. we are beautiful, and we haven't done anything to deserve it. and we don't need to.
now, isn't that beautiful?

here i am again...

2007-12-04T10:29:00.000-08:00

i know i say this almost every time, but i can't believe it's been a month again. time is flying...
today is a day off from the craziness that is my life. well, actually not really. i still have a list of things that need to be done, but i'm just doing them from home today. i don't mind, though. it's fun staying in your pjs till 12ish.
since my last post, i have been thinking and talking a lot about how i should spend my time wisely. i have realized that i often allow myself to feel guilty regarding time. i feel obligated to stretch and divide it in various directions, when i really should guard it and focus on investing it into the things that i am truly passionate about, the things on God's heart that He has placed on mine to care about. and caring about myself is one of them. and as i type these words, i believe them...kind of. now i just need to live them.
so, this begs the question. do i go to Chiliwagon tonight? i feel like i have to, since others won't be there. will the night go on without me? yes, yes it will, but i can't get over the fact that i will feel guilty when i don't go, when -heaven forbid- i take time for myself. but how much time off is too much time off? when does self-care turn into selfishness? i guess the same question could be posed, "how much work is too much work?" no one can really tell you. you just know. i guess my problem is that i just don't know. i don't believe that guilt is from God. conviction yes, guilt no. yet, i allow myself to be controlled by it. when will it stop? i just wish that the line was a little bit less of a blur to me.
ok, this is turning out to be more of an internal pondering turned external than i hoped. but does anyone have any solid advice/ stories of life lessons to assist me in this struggle? i just want to do the right thing...(and isn't that another topic that could be discussed for hours?)
and maybe it's not even about work or lack of it or whatever, as my lovely roommate just pointed out.
either way, i think (no, i know) that i need to go to God for some clarity in this pressing fog. He knows all of the answers to these seemingly endless questions...why does this truth so easily slip my mind?
yes, there is hope. even for me. [that was my attempt to lighten the mood, in case you missed it]

waiting...

2007-11-09T18:41:00.001-08:00

as i sit at my desk waiting for my accounting to "verify its integrity" before i head off for the night, i have a moment to ponder life.
it's been good. another full week. something to do, someplace to be every night.
Monday= actually a coveted "stayathome" night
Tuesday= Chili Wagon
Wednesday= Small group
Thursday= *Aquafit* (new addition to the list)
Friday= going to a baby shower at church
so, i fill my nights with things -not to mention working long hours every day,- but do i actually enjoy them? do i receive life from them? or are they just other things to make me feel busy, to help me feel like i am finally investing and fitting into this place i call home?
hmmm...makes me think.
am i leaving enough time for me to be re-energized, to just breathe?
weeks just seem to fill up so fast when you get older. i remember when i was younger, thinking that i had all the time in the world and that it was taking forever for me to get older. time seems to be something that just slips through your fingers, something that you can never have back. am i using it wisely? am i giving enough or too much? what about what's best for me?
oh, balance. i need it to be sane. and i don't have it.
that must mean that i'm going crazy...
well, my computer is done doing its thing.
now i just have to figure out the answers to all of these questions...

sigh...

2007-11-04T19:38:00.000-08:00

...and a contented one at that.
it's been a good weekend. a welcome visit from a sister. a surprisingly non-stressful shopping trip. a rousing 2 games of bowling. an extra hour of sleep. church. a productive afternoon. anticipation of reading a good book, in my freshly clean sheets, after a warm bath. and finally posting on this blog.
i don't really have much to write tonight. God is faithful. life is full. i am content for now.
so, i will leave you with some pictures from the last month and a bit to look at and hopefully enjoy.
may God bless you, and may you rest in His peace...

trees?
eating Dutch pancakes at the Wooden Shoe Cafe
with friends at the GO Conference
stillness
two favorites: bubble tea and Karmyn

(almost in that order...i REALLY love bubble tea...)

the lovely Cheryl (aka. head cook) and myself in my favorite grandma apron

pictures of the finished product...minus curtains

2007-09-22T16:13:00.001-07:00

but first, some cute/funny people that came to our open house/ paint job revealing last Sunday eve:

ok, now to the finished product. this is the room in our lovely house that belongs to Hillary and i. we love it. and we hope you do too. if you do, let us know. do keep in mind that there will be curtains over the windows in the very near future. it is only through a series of very unfortunate events that they are not up as of yet...anyway, here you go!

oh, life...

2007-09-20T23:19:00.000-07:00

i can't even describe this thing called "my life" right now. there are no words -heck, thoughts to be put to words- at this point. now, before you think i've gone and got all emo with myself, let me explain. i feel like i haven't had time to think over the last...i don't even know how long. life has been just one big blur.
bbbbbbbbbbbllllllllllllllllllllllluuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. there you have it. one of those.
yikes, i hate when i get to this point of no return. well, i hope it's not that drastic. yes, yes there is hope. i know, this comment seems kind of out of place, but if you only knew how significant this revelation has been to me...yes, i DO have hope! amen.
on a seemingly random tangent (but aren't they all, this post?), i am reading 4 book thingys (plus other random devotional things) at one time, something i promised myself i would never do. i hope this feat stretches me as a person or something like that. and they are...[drumroll please]: effective prayer (R.C. Sproul), the hobbit (J.R.R. Tolkien), the Banner, and breaking free (my 1/2 hour a day for 5 days of the week Bible study book that i am already behind in because of extenuating circumstances, by the one and only Beth Moore). yes, a huge feat. i wonder if/when i'll ever get them finished...
sorry (in my very Canadian way) for the randomness of this post. but, i think i am almost due for one of these crazy/deep/random writings. it's been awhile since i've leaked my straight up peculiar self onto the screen...
and i WILL get on to putting those pictures on here. they are on my camera, just itching to be put onto a computer and posted for your viewing pleasure. but right here, right now, i just can't be bothered to do it. that, and i kind of like keeping you -the few, as i have lovingly dubbed you-in suspense. but not for long, seeing as some of you just might jump onto a plane (assuming that you're my mom or another person that lives in NS) and hold my life ransom until your queries are subdued.
until then...
chow for now.

"the adventure of the crazy roommates"

2007-09-11T17:17:00.000-07:00

this adventure, starring Rebecca and Hillary -2 seemingly silly girls-, started off with the decision by the 5 women of the house to finally paint the bedrooms of the house they'd been living in for the last 4 months. after priming one housemate's room and helping to paint the other 2 housemates' room and patiently waiting for the right day (ie. Monday), the roomies' time had finally come. they would embark on their goal: to paint their room (as shown below) in...

ONE DAY!

on Saturday, R&H had taken down their bunkbeds, moved much of their furniture and belongings out of the room into the already catastrophically messy living room and kitchen, and spackled the many holes in the walls, among other things. crazy times. the roommates proceeded to sleep in the livingroom that night, amid their said belongings and perhaps all of the material possessions of the people of the house, for too many nights.

after taking a Sabbath on Sunday, early Monday AM found the roommies cutting in, painting one coat of primer and 2 coats of their fabulous paint choices. yes, it sounds simple and even elementary, but anyone who has ever attempted such a feat knows that there is much much more involved in this process.

tensions DO arise and paint fights ARE had.

but really, besides learning how to backroll after painting a dark color onto a wall (since dark colors of paint are often thinner) to help it set and figuring out the best way to cut in or how to get paint out of the carpet, often, other more important lessons are learned. such as, being patient with your roommate when she needs to just take a break and how to be ok with life (and painting) not being perfect and how to love your roommate at the end of the day, no matter how frustrated you are that you didn't get it all finished in one day...

contrary to urban myth, Rebecca and Hillary did survive the ordeal and are quite happy to report that their room is finished! by Wednesday evening, the new beds and mattresses were placed in the freshly painted room, and both roommates were moving in in their own ways, Hillary by putting her pictures on the wall and Rebecca by moving everything in and putting it in its proper place. the roommates are very glad to be done with this adventure and don't hope to look at wet paint again for a while. they are enjoying their transformed room and making it their own once again. they look forward to unveiling it at a party in the near future! pictures of the finished room and its proud owners will follow at a later date.

"community of clothelines"

2007-09-02T17:04:00.001-07:00

the sound of rope against reel lingers in the late afternoon, early evening air
as neighbors put damp, freshly cleaned, fabric-softened clothes out
and pull sundried, starchy crisp, wind-smelling sheets in

laundry on the line tells one so much
how daring, how conservative
how simple, how superlative

what do you share?
what do you want to hide?

laundry brings what's hidden in the mysterious, dark house
to the bright, revealing green backyard outside

the sound of rope against reel lingers in the late afternoon, early evening air
in this community of clotheslines

coming and going.

2007-08-12T01:01:00.001-07:00

so, i'm leaving tomorrow at 6:30 AM for a 12ish hour drive to Montanna for a conference with YWAM, but i really wanted to make sure that i wrote a blog before i left. thus, here i am on the computer at 1:18 AM doing it. call me silly, i just hope that somebody actually views this...

i finally went to the ocean (Spanish Banks) on this side of the country for the first time. i know, hard to believe but true. thanks, Joel and Carla, for introducing me to the Pacific. we liked each other. later on that week, i went to Whistler for the first time. it was fun to hike down the mountain from our hotel to go eat. good times had by all.

then, my awe-inspiring ten days of MA hosting was upon me. what an amazing time of God revelation and learning and making mistakes and growing. i loved doing it, especially because i knew that this is where God specifically had me for this short period of time. on Thursday, we did this thing called "Temple Tour," where we visited a Buddist temple and a Muslim mosque (as well as the local temple-ish mall in Burnaby). i LOVE learning about different religions, so this was a wonderful experience for me. the Buddist temple brought back my heart, along with a flood of memories, for China. it was really good to remember...

my team from The Dalles, OR was pretty amazing. whether we were riding the bus to and from amazing daily outreaches, drinking some fresh bubble tea from the local store, or just taking some photos on the last night, it was a blast. i miss these guys and hope they come back next year. i really learned alot from being with them while they were in the city that i love.

4 words: my roommates are amazing. on the morning of my 20th birthday, they decorated the house with balloons that described me in one word (well, the nice ones at least...). it was real' sweet. then i talked on the phone with my Mom and Rachel and Sara as i opened up my big box of presents from them. they made it ok for me to not be there with them for the first time ever. after that, i headed to the MA venue, where we had a staff meeting for the first time in a long while, and then we proceeded to have cake in celebration of my birth. it was great. i felt so loved from all the angles that day.

ok, so this is it for now. i'm off to bed and then Montanna. please pray for safety and fun times and times of growth for us all. also, for patience as 13 people from ages 8-40 something will be sharing a 15 passenger van for the trip. thank you.

until i post again...

collide.

2007-07-22T22:56:00.000-07:00

that is what my life and anything to do with it did today. collide. all of my insecurities, fears, frustrations, thoughts, and questions converged into one sloppy mess of tears and angst, with perhaps a dash of bitterness, and it came crashing through the self-constructed walls of my heart, tumbling out of my mouth to my parents on the phone today. oh parents. i thank God for you and your timely beingthereforme in my hour of need.
"so, what does this collision look like?" you ask. well, this week (actually, the next 10 days) i will be taking on the role of hosting in the Mission Adventure program that YWAM runs in the summer. and this involves me facing many of the said issues straight on. and that scares me. alot. but i know that this is where i need to be in my relationship with God right now. trusting fully in Him because i can't in myself. it should be interesting.
so, pray for me. if you think of me during your day. right now, as you read this blog. please, pray for me. it means so much to me.
and i trust that i will be better for this. i anticipate discomfort and pain, but also newfound growth and strength as these weak, unused muscles are torn and healed, torn and healed, again and again. God will provide. and i'm excited to see Him do so in my empty self in this upcoming 10 days.

promised pictures...

2007-07-17T00:09:00.001-07:00

i always find it difficult to pick the 5 magic pictures to post, that will accurately represent my life, or at least how i perceive it. i have so many that i wish to share with the world, and i guess that i could post more -all of them if i'd like- but i don't wish that upon anyone, unless they are my family, who i force at spoon point to view my cds upon cds of photographs. it's true. just ask them.

that said, i hope you enjoy the ones i have chosen to share. may they be a well-rounded representation of it all...

the legendary Shubenacadie Canada Day Parade with copius amount of rescue vehicles...where do they all come from?!?!

a much-needed break in the hotel pool from our long traveling day produced this fine photo op...

and then i had 4 beautiful sisters...

...but i have been aching especially for this one

yet, this is what i come back to. Vancouver. Commercial Drive. this picture is from the Commercial Drive Car Free festival that happened about a month ago. they blocked off a whole bunch of streets so that eating, dancing, and general laughter and community building events would ensue. and they are doing it again this weekend. days like these make it ok to be in Vancouver away from the safe comfort of friends and family. thank you, God for calling me here...

Nova Scotia, Ontario, and back...

2007-07-16T17:35:00.000-07:00

wow...it's been awhile. well, i guess all of my posts could start with this familiar phrase, but still. i meant to do one of these this past weekend, but instead, i decided to have a rather social 2 days (consisting of an all afternoon BBQ at my friend Mark's and funtimes at the beach on Sunday w/Joel and Carla) thus it didn't get done. until now.
so, as many of you know and saw, from June 29-July 9, i was in the air/on the road, pretty much all across this fair country. i made a brief 2 day and 2 hour stop at my NS home and managed to have it pretty chock-full of crazy events, including seeing many friends and family from church.
then, we left at 4 AM on Tuesday with Listowel, Ontario, as our eventual goal. this was where my brand new sister-in-law, Sarah (ie. Sarah Dawn, Sezzy, crazyladywhowasonceinfatutatedwithmyworkuniform, etc. ...these nicknames come into existence when 3 Sara(h) Bokmas are had) is from. during the next 6 days, we, as a G&L Bokma family, were hugely blessed by the Slotegraaf family, who juggled hosting us, preparing for the wedding, and being super cool, all at the same time. and they did it quite well, i might add. indeed, it was fun.
yeah, basically it was an awesome vacation. too short, but so much fun. i was SO blessed by seeing many loved ones and spending quality time with them. God is good.
and now i'm back in Vancouver, no longer being able to look forward to such a time. yet, sometimes i find myself still anticipating a trip home to NS. until i realize that that time has already come and gone in a flash. but it was good. and totally worth it.
and that leaves me in Vancouver. once again facing the music. and what beautiful music it is. but there will be more on that later. for now, i will leave this reminiscent post with a promise of many pictures to come soon.
until then...

I HAVE A BIKE!!!

2007-06-14T21:57:00.001-07:00

where do i even start? God has been so generous in His providence in my life. yes, i was thinking about how He has blessed me so much over the last few weeks, if not my whole life. He knows what i need and gives it to me when i need it. not before, not after. when i need it. and sometimes He just gives me little surprises, answers to prayers that i haven't even yet prayed.

i have a job at YWAM that i love and am passionate about (passion is something that i prayed for awhile back...notice the picture of my desk on a clean day!) and a bike (see the picture of it outside of our new YWAM base), among other things. i live in a house that i love, with people that i love (on most days) in a fantastic neighborhood, in a beautiful city. God has placed me in a group of people from church and YWAM that has allowed me to grow and learn. He blessed me with a camping trip the weekend after the May long one, that really rejuvenated me by just being in nature with God.

yes, GOD IS SO GOOD! i have nothing to complain about. life is good...i am SO blessed!

"bike for sale?"

2007-05-20T01:58:00.000-07:00

this is not just the title of this post, but seems to be the heading of a good portion of the emails i have been sending out these days. to explain, let me tell you a story...
on Wednesday, i found the perfect bicycle: shiny new-ish, more than one speed for all of these hills in Vancouver, VINTAGE (i refer to this type -the U handle barred cruiser kind- as the "Dutch bike," seeing as this is the kind that i rode in Holland this past summer), and having other very likeable characteristics. i called the guy, he said that i was the first one to call, and we arranged a time and place when/where i could buy and pick it up. i thought i had it made in the shade. now, fast forward to Friday afternoon. just before i left the office to go pick up my new treasure, i called the gentleman to remind him of my coming, and he kindly told me that he had sold it. yes friends, HE had sold MY bike. "not fair," i told myself. "how dare he do this to me?"
now, i wish that i had some nice ending or lesson that i have learned from this, but i don't. yeah, i guess i realize that i don't "deserve" anything, and that any and every blessing is a gift from God. it's true. but, i still find myself bitter at this stranger for selling this bike. it just seems so unfair...and it is. but, who am i to argue for justice when limitless grace/mercy has been sent my way? yet, i still feel gutted when life doesn't go my way. kind of like how i wish people would extend all kinds of grace my way, but i can't find it inside myself to do likewise...
in other news, i feel like my life is kind of a gong show. weekends are meant for sleeping in. yet, here i sit at 2:18 AM, hoping to be awake at 8:45 AM, so that i can make my way to church. not on a bike. [get over it, Rebecca] and all i did today was eat and go to 2 parties. nothing too productive was done, except getting ready for these 2 parties. and tomorrow should be crazy too. eight people will be sleeping in our 3 bedroom house. a big "YAY!" for guests, and small *groan* for nothing getting done. oh well, i guess that's what Monday is for.
so, that's my life, right here, right now. i haven't even read my Bible lately, and i want to. maybe i should be doing that instead of writing blogs, complaining about the lack of two wheels in my life...
ok, well please still enjoy the picture of the girls (i live with all of them besides Krista and Laura) at our party tonight in celebration of the birth of Hillary.
(l to r: me, Hannah, Jacqui, Hillary, Krista, Laura, Jana)

more pictures...

2007-05-15T18:04:00.000-07:00

so, these are some more somewhat random pictures of my life, etc.
i truly hope to blog about something that is actually current in my life someday soon...
1. luscious green grass in one of the many parks in Vancouver. this is one of the reasons why i can stay sane in a city. that, and it was like 20 degrees out today. in MAY!!!
2. crazy blue walls for Jessa and Jana's room. i have yellow along with my 2 roomies, and another girl has Pepto pink. you really have to see it to believe it.
3. crazy moving day
4. beautiful streets. i'll never get sick of those flowers. and i have pictures upon pictures to prove this.
5. my pastor Julia's 30th birthday

April/May in pictures...

2007-05-15T17:49:00.000-07:00

i'm sorry it has taken me so long to get something new up on here. who knew that my life would be so busy? but when i really think of it, i was just on a fantastic promo tour, i did have a much-needed family visit, i did just make a hectic/emotional move into a new home, and all that goes into all of this during this time, so i do deserve a little grace. that and i have had limited internet access. i know, excuses, excuses. but, i hope you take my apology and these pictures as good enough for now...
(these are of the promotional trip to Oregon from April 12-26:
1. girl pic
2. close up at Multnomah Falls
3. Jessa's 21st birthday and the appropiate party hats to celebrate such a function
4. much-needed quiet time at YWAM Salem
5. downtown Portland)

back in "Raincouver..."

2007-04-28T18:36:00.000-07:00

i arrived back from our promotional tour to Oregon on Thursday night, and this fair city of mine welcomed me with rain. a day and a half of it. thanks, Vancouver.
but, alas, there is sun on the horizon. yes, today was very nice, but also, yesterday was a delightful one, amidst the precipitation. i was very blessed to spend the afternoon/evening with some of my very lovely family members, Benjamin and Karmyn Bokma.

please enjoy the story of

"Ben and Karmyn's Day out (in Vancouver with Rebecca)"

with the following pictures:

First up was spicy Ethiopian food @ Adis Cafe for lunch.

Then, we headed to Contintental for a rousing game of Phase 10 (Karmyn won), as we enjoyed our caramel lattes and a mocha (made by friend Ryan) and let our copious amount of food digest.

After a little break at my house/the office, we headed out to the Skytrain station, but made a quick stop at Belgian Fries for a little snack. I'm pretty sure that this made brother Ben's night.

Brother Ben and Sister (in law) Karmyn were very excited about the Skytrain trip to the waterfront and surrounding areas.

After wandering around on and near Granville St. and spending ALOT of time at SportsCheck (they took advantage of the amazing BOGO sale on running shoes...), we headed to Trees cafe to enjoy some live music and another favorite card game, Euchre.

We soon headed home, Ben and i had a bit of a TimTam slam, i opened some very appreciated gifts from loved ones far away, and then we said our "good-byes" for the evening.

It was a very fun day. Thanks, Ben and Karmyn, for making it so special!

[keep in mind, that if any of you farawayfriends ever want to come for a visit, you too will probably receive a full-paged blog post such as this. yeah, pretty exciting, i know.]

ok, i'm off for now. PS: the tour was pretty amazing. i hope to post a bit about it and some pictures in the near future, but it just may not happen as soon as i'd like, what with the busyness of my life right now, as i just got back, i'm moving to my new home on Tuesday, etc...

but we'll see.

"love letter"

2007-04-08T16:38:00.000-07:00

ok, i admit that i did not write this following piece, no matter how much i wish my words were this eloquent. however, i really wanted to post something concerning this glorious celebration of Easter. i found this "love letter" in Our Journey this AM, and it just struck me how beautiful God's sacrafice was for ME! we have so much to celebrate, today and forever. cheesy, i know, yet so true...

He told them again and again.
shouting it
...in the breathtaking splendor of creation.
whispering it
...on the pages of ancient parchments.
echoing it
...through the voices of His chosen prophets.
but few listened.
even fewer believed.
finally
with a heart weeping at the deafness of His people
He took His pen - Jesus Christ,
and dipping it in Calvary's scarlet ink,
He wrote His message on a rough wooden banner
and pinned it against an empty sky for all the world to read.
bold, crimson words:
I LOVE YOU

yeah, this Easter was an amazing one. i got to be a part of the service at my church this morning among other things, but it's more than that. this Easter has actually kind of meant something to me. more than it ever has before.
i guess that i have realized that in order to have life, there needs to be death, as blatantly obvious as that sounds. life in Jesus means an intentional death of my sinful self. even with something as simple as moving to a new house in a couple of weeks, there needs to be death and mourning of this place that i have grown to love, accept, and become comfortable in, in order to receive what's next, something that i have faith to be an even bigger blessing. but i need to let go of what i have right now in order to get what He has for me later...
hmm...interesting. and all apart of what seems to be one of the main themes running through my brain these days...

life.

2007-03-22T17:54:00.000-07:00

wow. life. crazy. yet somewhat mellow. sometimes i'm not so sure which one i like better.
in the moment, "crazy" is so overwhelming. i can't breathe and don't know what to think or even feel. or maybe i'm just feeling it all at once. whereas, "mellow" can be so blaize, so "blah/meh." i SO want to feel something, and hate that i'm like a rock, unfeeling, uncaring, seemingly just converting oxygen to carbon dioxide.
so, that's where i am right now, balancing between the two. still deciding which one i like better, yet still craving more, but not making the effort to change it. or allowing it to be changed. wow.

and i wasn't even going to post anything today. i was just putting it all down...

more pics...

2007-03-10T20:43:00.000-08:00

there were obviously not enough pictures on the last post, so here are a few more randomly, yet carefully chosen snapshots...

finally...

2007-03-10T20:08:00.000-08:00

it's me. i'm finally blogging again, and it feels really good.
as many of you know, this huge gap in my posting was mainly caused by a month long promo tour across western Canada. and what an amazing trip it was! i finally got to see the other side of this fair nation i call home, including those spectacular mountains known as the Rockies. amazing people were met (nope, i didn't meet good ol' Wayne Rostad...he must've been "On the Road Again"...lol) and some discovered through hours together in a cramped van for copious hours at a time. good and hard times were experienced. growth took place as a result. three words: GOD IS GOOD. can i get an "amen?"
i'm not going to get into a huge update, talking about the past and all. i'll save that for the update email letter i will be sending out soon. i will, however, take this opportunity to share some photos. they say that a picture says a thousand words...and wouldn't you rather see colorful pictures in lieu of boring black and white words? i know that i would. so, view on. and keep posted for new blogs that will keep you up on how i'm doing now, not just then...

on the road again...

2007-01-29T00:30:00.000-08:00

i'm going on the road again, but not with Wayne Rostad (does anyone remember him? i could've sworn that i saw him when i was working at the airport once, but no one agreed with me that it was him in the store...anywho...). yes, starting tomorrow, i will be gone for almost a month, touring western Canada (SO excited to drive through the Rockies and the prairies...) on a YWAM promo tour. we're going to be hitting up different Mission Fests and speaking at churches and all that fun stuff. so, i'm not sure how much opportunity i'll have to update this. but i'll do my best. anyways, i'm sure it will be more exciting and super cool to meet some new people that i can add to the growing list of friends around the globe. and who knows, maybe Wayne Rostad will be one of them...

i'm back...and moving west

2007-01-18T11:20:00.000-08:00

to all of my faithful readers (yes, all 3 of you...), my apologies for how late this post is in coming. please forgive me.
so, what's new with me? um...nothing much except that I'M MOVING TO VANCOUVER NEXT WEEK!!! yeah, crazy, eh? Vancouver (also affectionately called "Hongkouver," because of the approximately 52% -well, at least more than half- of Asian people that populate the city), British Columbia will be my new place of residence for the next two years. as of Tuesday, January 23, 2007, i will be working with the Youth With a Mission Vancouver base as a member of their Discipleship Training School staff!
i am pretty excited to be moving back to the west coast at this point in my life. i truly enjoy the people at the YWAM base and am really looking forward to serving them and with them in the Commercial Drive community. (however, i will REALLY miss the girls who were with me in this fine city last year, as you can see in the picture at the bottom)
my first week will involve some moving in and getting settled and training and hanging out with a good friend before she leaves for home in AB, where she is getting married soon. then i'll be heading off to the Vancouver Missions Fest where we will be spreading the news about the greatness of our God and subsequently, YWAM.
after the weekend, a bunch of us are heading out for a YWAM promo road tour. i know that we are hitting up the Winnipeg Missions Fest, and i'm sure some other fests and maybe churches along the way in Alberta and Saskatchewan.
but that's about all i know for now, amongst some possibilities for the summer and fall. please continue to pray with and for me as i head westward. as there is some uncertainty pertaining to tasks and living situations, pray that i will find peace in God and trust in Him and His direction.
well, readers, please stay tuned here for updates and pictures. i know that this will be an intersting time in my life, to say the least, and it is comforting to know that there are people who care about what this all entails. even if there are only 3 of you...
love you and thanks for reading...

random Christmastime pictures

2007-01-07T14:13:00.000-08:00

AMAZING.

2006-12-04T16:17:00.000-08:00

yes. yes, He is. this past week was an interesting one. challenging, to put it into one word. but Friday night was so amazing. God really showed up and showed me His raw and awesome power. i don't really want to go into it all, but i was really struggling with some issues and was basically having a pity party for myself all week, and then God broke me, just a crack, and so much healing took place in just one night. i know this is quite bare in details, so if you have a burning desire to know more, please ask. but that's all i'll go into about that for now.
and then Saturday. what a day! what a blessing. let me lay it out for you. so, T. Connie, Laura, and i headed up to Moncton in the AM to check out ABU, a really neat Christian university that Laura may attend next fall. and the guy who gave us the tour went to Providence College in Otterburne (the smallest village in Canada, i'm sure) a couple of years back. so, that was an unexpected surprise. we then headed to drop T. Connie off at the warehouse where the kids were doing up the Operation Christmas Child boxes, and then shopping. at this point in the story, i just want to reflect on how blessed i have been to hang out with Laura so much this past fall. she is the youngest member of "the 4 Bokma girls" (the twins and two cousins that were born within 6 months of each other. Melissa, mentioned in the previous blog, is the oldest.). when we were younger, Rachel and Laura favored each other, whereas Melissa and i were a bit closer. but it has been so good to be more of an intentional part of each other's lives these past few months. and she has assured me that Rachel and i are about equal in her books now. :D. moving right along, we headed on our little adventure, taking time to truly discover the booming metropolis of Moncton, NB. but i'm being a bit sarcastic there. it's not so big. we hit up the mall, did some shopping and got a bite to eat. and we couldn't pass up a stop at the local Timmy Ho's for an icecap. after that, we headed to the huge Moncton Weslyan church for 6 PM, because that was when we were supposed to meet up with our intervarsity group for the Living Christmas Tree production that night, even though it didn't really start until 7:30. of course, they didn't get there until a bit after 7, but that's ok, because the story gets a bit more interesting here. while waiting for the group, we had this random conversation with this woman named Joanne, a member of the afore mentioned church, about things such as epilepsy, and consequently not being able to have kids, the transit system of Moncton, basketball and Oxford, knitting, and the like. really, the list goes on. but the best part of the night was when this one girl walked into the church, and i thought to myself, "i know her!" she was a girl that i went to Providence with last year. Providence is in Manitoba. i live in Nova Scotia, but was in Moncton for less than a day. and here Julie was. so, i ran up to her and we reunited and it was beautiful. she had actually only gone to Prov for less than a week, but then her and her friend had gone back home, so i was curious about her friend Lindsay too. she told me that Lindsay was in the production that night. so, we went down and saw her again. and another lovely reunion was had. it was so cool to see them again! man, i love "coincidences" like that...and the Living Christmas Tree was beautiful too.
and that is my little big story about my blessed weekend.

so...

2006-11-26T11:01:00.000-08:00

it's almost December. crazy, eh? i can remember when it was only nearing the end of September, and i was moaning and groaning, "is it Christmas yet?" in lieu of my melancholy of not being away from home and missing my far away friends. and now, months have passed, and that "most wonderful time of the year" is right around the corner. where did October and November go? hmm.... but it's good. it's been a solid fall, now approaching winter. i think it's so cool (and really SO necessary) to look back and just realize how God has provided over the last while. and i don't even realize or look for it 99% of the time. [but why should i have to make the effort to look for it, when it is right in front of me? i am just so blind sometimes...] sad, but so true. i focus on ME all of the time, and it's not about me. at all. a wise man (Rob Bell of the Nooma video series...SO good. check them out sometime!) once said, "MY world is not THE world." just think about that. and apply it. often. but alot of the time, it is just a whole lot easier and more comfortable not to... ok. so Melissa just requested that i be a bit more lighthearted. i guess i do go deep more often than not. but, i guess that is just a reflection of my need to go below the surface, to go beyond the shallowness of this world. whatever. here i go at not being so introspective.
i am SO excited for Christmas! a resounding "yay" for family coming home, quitting work on December 20 [wow, that sounds so negative. i don't really like to see it as "quitting" persay, but just leaving and not coming back. yeah, that's a nicer phrase, a great euphemism, if you will. yay for that Critical Thinking course in college last year! i DID learn something...ok, so maybe just that word. but still.], hoping to move on to Vancouver soon. i need to get going on that. someone just kick me every so often to make sure that i am. but, oh the joys of the season! spending time, not spending money. or making it. just being. not only doing. enjoying life. loving it. and people. going skating, sledding, getting cold and then drinking a cup of hot chocolate. staying up late at night, when all of the unexpected/great conversations happen. getting dressed up and going out for dinner. catching up. yeah, i'm uber stoked. oh yeah, and remembering the true reason of the season...and why was that the last "joy of the season" on my list? ok, i'm not going to go into how horrible of a person i am for doing that. but it IS good to look at my priorities...
ok, so maybe that wasn't my strongest attempt at being cheerful and not so melancholy. sorry guys. sorry Melissa for this disappointment. meh. why does everything i say turn into a lesson? it's slightly humorous, i guess. maybe i shouldn't be so hard on myself [?]. i don't know. but i guess it is good to be aware...
and i thought i had nothing to write about...
yeah. so i guess i've come to the conclusion that life is good. not easy. but good. not all rainbows and butterflies and lollipops and smiley faces. but good. and that's a good conclusion to come to. i'm at a certain place in my life, and i think that's where God has me. actually, i'm pretty sure that He wanted me to learn some crazy hard/awesome stuff this fall. and that's a good feeling to have. to be content in Him. to know that He, the CREATOR of the world, is working in me, no matter how subtle this transformation is. and gross. did i mention how gross it is to feel so broken? yeah, it is. but there is beauty in the broken. yeah, there is. somewhere there is. at least He thinks so. and that's pretty much all that matters. yay God! did i mention that i love You? (insert huge smiley face)...
ok. so perhaps i should be done stealing Mel's computer. a big shoutout to her for being so generous in letting my take it over. and i WILL attach a pic of you, girl, for the viewing pleasure of all those people that look at this. but first, let me tell you about Melissa. she is pretty awesome. yep, i love her. she was one of my best friends growing up, and we're still pretty tight. we may be cousins, but i always considered us friends first. she is a solid girl, with great morals and a delightful sense of humor. basically, i really appreciate her always laughing at my not-so-funny jokes. thanks, Melissa for being a great friend throughout the years...
ok, so this is me signing off, for yet another week (or maybe two...). have a good one...
did i mention i love Sundays?

life in the times of me

2006-11-14T08:16:00.000-08:00

wow. it's been a solid two weeks since i've last posted. and i feel as if i should apologize for this misdeed. but i'm not going to. so, sorry for not apologizing for not writing.
so, life has been pretty routine lately. not too much is going on. working alot. which is good. and i'm not sure if you all know, but i have been attending the Christian intervarsity group at the AC, where my cousin Laura goes to school. that has been really cool. something to look forward to every week. something that i can get dressed up to go to, not donning my usual uniform. yeah, it's a good feeling. and the first pic is of us bowling in Bible Hill a couple of weeks ago.
however, last week i missed our meeting, as i was too caught up surprising my sister in Hamilton, ON with a visit for the weekend. yeah, it was a blast! [i thought you might be wondering why we are in some pictures together...] in the first picture, we are drinking Starbucks Christmas drinks, a real treat for the both of us. yeah, that was a great bonding experience, also involving random trips to Danier, breaking out into our randomly awesome dance moves in Jack Aster's parking lot, and just catching up. and the next snapshot involves a third party, Jessie, a friend of Rachel's rad doormate, Em J, as we are trying on some crazy cool accessories at Winners [sorry for totally blocking you out there, Rach!]. yeah, it was a great weekend. i really enjoyed getting to know her friends/people in her life. as well, i really treasured the stolen moments that i spent with siblings while there. it was so neat to reflect on the past and to be excited about the future, as we fellowshipped over dinner at Ben and Karmyn's on Sunday night. we are all so grown up! good times, indeed. a nice vaca from work and consistent "normalcy"...
but, now i'm back. back into the everyday grind of life. back to being a daughter and worker and not just a sister and friend. back to that all. and it's a good thing. there is a time for everything, and now is the time for this.
and that's where i end for today.

[some lame title...]

2006-10-29T17:02:00.000-08:00

ok, so where do i start? so much has happened since i last posted, and it's going to be impossible for me to write and for you to read it all, yet here i go...(in no apparent order)
i would first and foremost like to send a big thanks to my pal, Sir Sanford Fleming. forgive me if i'm wrong, but i'm pretty sure that this beautiful Canadian man created a little thing i like to call timezones. and along with this lovely invention, a little phrase known as "spring forward, fall back." yes, my friends, i'm talking about setting back clocks, watches, and all other time keeping machines. thank you, Sir Fleming, for that much-needed extra hour of sleep last night.
ok, but enough with all this tomfoolery.
it has been a good week. it was fun, once again, to spend time with Morgan, the little girl my mom babysits. at this point in time, i would like to share a story about her with some pictures i have of our day together (please see the above pics starting from top to bottom): 1) we get Morgan excited by asking her where the kittens are, and her face is pulled into this adorable little expression 2) we go visit the kittens, and she is in her glory 3) the girls are "in da hood" (i seem to like to pull that face alot, hey?) 4) Morgan is so tired, she falls asleep in my arms, in a somewhat awkward position.
yeah, that day was a blast.
on Sunday night, my friend Drew surprised us all and came home from AB, the land that steals all of our bright, young people (i say that jokingly, yet with a sad air of truth). it was good to see him again and to catch up a bit.
i finally finished my support raising letter. and i sent some out. yes friends, i am soon heading west for the fair land of British Columbia to be a part of the staff with YWAM Vancouver. it's exciting/scary/"what the heck am i doing?"/all of the emotions i never knew i had. yeah. if you want to know answers, ask questions. i really don't know what more to say unless i am asked...plus, i want people to be curious about it all...yeah.
and i am once again discovering some ugly, messy truths about myself. it aint pretty, but it's good. i mean, it's good to learn these things, so that i can change them (or be changed by them or through them by Someone else...) or attempt to or whatever. yeah. but i hate all that crap that is me. all the messy stuff that makes me who am, all that sinfulness. and the funny thing is that what i am talking about is how i hate how perfect i portray myself to be lately. i make it look like i have it all together, all the right answers to all the questions one could ever have. all those goody Christian one liners. argh. all this pride. i hate it. i hate how i feel so pushed to be perfect, when all i want is to be. to be who i am, not what i want others to see me as. to be who God has created me to be, and who He is working on. argh. frustration. and this is turning into my journal. i need to stop here. but once again, if you want answers, ask questions.
well, i'm off to starting another exciting week. who knows what this one will hold? and i guess that's the thrill of it. the surprise. yeah...

week cap...

2006-10-21T20:51:00.000-07:00

yay... i have two days off. and one is a Sunday! score.
well, life has been...well, it's life. and i don't say that in a bad way, with any negative connotations whatsoever. it's good. i've been realizing alot. and that's always a good thing.
like, "hey! why do i get so miserable when i miss my far away friends (aka my faf)? i should be so happy that i have been so blessed to know all of these wonderful people. they have all played a hugely positive part in my life, so why should that make me sad?" yeah, simple/silly revelations, yet so important and true. and how i need to grasp such gems of truth with both hands. (by the way, the first picture is of my closest friends at Providence, and the second, my other sistersandbrother/YWAM team, pre-China trip (minus Norwalkvirusstricken Hannah)...man, i love these people!)
moving on, i was reading My Utmost For His Highest (a daily devo) today, and it really spoke to me. please indulge me as i share a bit by my friend Ozzy (aka Oswald Chambers):
discipleship is built entirely on the supernatural grace of God. walking on water is easy to someone with impulsive boldness, but walking on dry land as a disciple of Jesus Christ is something altogether different...we do not need the grace of God to withstand crises -- human nature and pride are sufficient for us to face the stress and strain magnificently. but it does require the supernatural grace of God to live twenty-four hours of every day as a saint, going through drudgery, and living an ordinary, unnoticed, and ignored existence as a disciple of Jesus. it is ingrained in us that we have to do exceptional things for God -- but we do not. we have to be exceptional in the ordinary things of life, and holy on the ordinary streets, among ordinary people...
yeah, that was huge for me today. sometimes i find it so easy to forget that God made me human. yeah, i'm allowed to screw up. and make mistakes. i'm not perfect. i'm normal(ish). and God is God, and we should leave our roles that way. sometimes i (mentally) beat myself up about "not doing the right thing," but God's grace never ends. His mercies are new every morning. great is Thy faithfulness! wow...and it is always good to get a nice swift kick in the pants/reminder such as this. and i hope it was encouraging to someone else too. man, this Oswald is one intellectual/spiritually adept fellow...
ok, last thought. i'm reading Captivating again. yeah, and i'm super excited about it. random info: i just finished I Kissed Dating Goodbye (no, i'm not dating anyone right now. but it was interesting to read, and it was surprisingly applicable to many relationships in life...). yeah, so i was planning on quoting a piece or two from Captivating to give you a few for it, but 1) it's hard to pick just one quote 2) i want to encourage everyone to read it, especially women, since that is who it was written for. it really is an amazing book that has helped me to realize who i am created to be/become. yeah, that and alot more. basically, it's amazing. and if i had a book club like Oprah, this would be the first one on the list. heck, i'm sure O would love this one too! yeah, it's great. (hmm...i wonder if they'll give me any money for publicly endorsing it...) but really, go out and buy it, it's worth your money. (except if it's your birthday soon...) ok, done with that. well for now. i'm sure you'll hear me ranting/raving about it again in the very near future. ok, done.
but, i should go to bed now. it technically is already Sunday, and i want to have some sleep, as i have done morning shifts four days in a row...bed time. when i was little, i never would've guessed that someday i'd be so excited about this time of the day...

good. hard. but GOOD.

2006-10-17T15:36:00.000-07:00

that seems to be the motto for my life lately. yeah, i know that i am so blessed, and that i am not persecuted for my beliefs or starving or dying or anything like that, but just let me have my pity party. actually, i've talked myself out of it. nevermind. lol.
nevetherless, i have been struggling with some issues lately, but God is SO faithful, and it's good. it really is. and i'll leave it at that.
so, i came home from work the other night, and was just amazed at how big that dark/clear sky really is. it's out there. i wanted to take a picture, but would that really capture how magnificent it is? um, no. i felt like i could see forever, if i just stared long enough. and sometimes that would be a welcome escape from this crazy busy world we dwell in. (well, at least we don't live on "The Truman Show"...does anyone remember that movie? i really liked it...) oh, how i long for the nights when i get the chance to just lay on that grass, looking at that sky, marveling at how AWESOME our Creator is. why don't i do that more often? i need to just do it one night, no matter how cold it is. and i will. soon. make me.
speaking about stars and constellations. there seems to be one appearing on my face. oh, how i deeply dislike skin issues. and i thought i was over that. maybe this is revenge for all of those years of clear skin, when i made fun of Rachel and her issues. and now it's your turn to laugh at me...
and i feel fat. there, i said it. i know i'm not, but i feel it. maybe, because i just had supper. and i feel lazy as i'm holed up in the house. and i need to exercise. and to drink water.
wow, this is one major pep talk for me tonight. i have so much to do, and so little time. why do i rush myself to do everything in such an impossible amount of time? i only get disappointed with myself! oh, and i feel stuck in a rut. SOMEONE PULL ME OUT!!!
ok, so this isn't getting any happier. and it started off so upbeat. oh well. back to work tomorrow. i don't know how to end this... ok, so this pity party is officially over.

why can't we have Thanksgiving every day?

2006-10-09T12:37:00.000-07:00

wow. it's been a while. LOTS has happened over the last week and a bit. life has been busy, friends. it's so strange how time just seems to slip through one's hands, but i guess you all know that.
yet, today being a day of thanks (heck, a weekend of thanks!), i think it important to really reflect on what i am truly grateful for. and i've realized there is alot.
LIFE. my huge family to have Thanksgiving dinner with (and being at home for it!). God's unconditional love. uninhibited worship. close friends who come home for the weekend. having Saturday though Monday off this weekend. the b-e-a-utiful colors of fall. forgiveness, no matter how often i manage to screw it all up. health. the spiritual lows so that i can appreciate the highs. being so close to family that i can walk to and visit them whenever i want. a job. my parents' house and vehicle which they so graciously allow me to call home and to use to transport myself to various places. freedom. unreasonably warm weather at this time of the year. relationships. how God reveals Himself to me in so many different ways. travelling. how unique each person is. emotions. words. that time of the day when the sun is setting and casting shadows of everything. Chinese food. amazing/challenging conversations that make you think. flowers. hope. memories. Sundays when i get to go to church. sleep. music that portrays how you feel in that exact moment. eating ridiculous amounts of food, and then having dessert.
and the best thing is that it is so hard to stop once you get started...but then again, why should i/we?

wow...

2006-09-30T11:41:00.000-07:00

this is pretty amazing. read and watch on...
http://cjcphoto.com/can/
and then i cried.

the promised pictures...

2006-09-29T14:27:00.000-07:00

yeah, so i miss her/us alot. ["is it Christmas yet?!?"] there we are, shucking corn (remember our quote that summer night Rachie?...lol.). oh, and them too, my girls (Rachael, Rosie, and Rachel) representing their beloved schools. yes, schools that have yet to own me. but they have them and for that, we do not get along, me and those schools...

my lunch at Hong's Kitchen yesterday. two words: mmm Chinese. do you see my tea? yes, that my friends is fresh off the boat (FOB) tea. jasmine, in fact. it smelled like China. heck, yesterday it was China for me. good times...

one week later...

2006-09-28T14:09:00.000-07:00

wow. i can't believe it's been over a week since i've last posted. lots has happened, and today, i hope to share a glimpse of it with you all. and yes, there will be pictures. (er...i guess just one, since this computer is acting stupid. again. oh well...i'll get more pics later...)
so, where do i even start? well, work has been a major part of my life over the last while and will continue to be for the next few months (note me looking exceptionally fine in my work threads. sexy, eh? please note the tie. enough said.), so let's begin there. after coming home from my job many a day wondering how that time flew by and what i actually did to fill it and why i felt so meaningless after a good 9 hours of labor, i decided that something needed to change. i needed to make work work for me and not just me for it. ok, so let me explain. i don't want to just work and be ruled by it. i want to add my own flair. figure out how i can bless others while i'm working hard to do a quality job. i want to take time to serve others and not just run around like Mike the headless chicken trying to get everything done at the same time. i can't. i'm only human. i want it to be a ministry to others, as i serve with my time and extra effort. yeah, so maybe it sounded better in my head. basically, i want to enjoy work and not just put in my time. i want to use it to stretch myself and yeah. it makes sense to me. i can try to explain it not on paper if you're really curious. moving right along, though...
on Monday night, i made my debut as a GEMS (Girls Everywhere Meeting the Savior) counselor for the girls in grade 5 & 6, put on by my home church. i have to admit that i was a little scared after making this committment, because this is alot of responsibility, promising to help moldable little people to have to a relationship with God. yes, not a vow to take lightly, indeed. however, thanks to the prayer and encouragement of friends and my trusty sidekick/helper Melissa, the first meeting went famously. the girls are great. quiet but fun. i actually feel kind of guilty that they are so managable, as this is not the case with all classes. anyway, i'm super excited about what we will be learning this year, and i'm sure that i will be challenged right along with them.
i also have come to discover something new about myself. yes, 19 years later. i AM artsy. ok, so maybe not in the way a painter uses his brush to paint what he thinks fruit look like or a musician plays his violin to add another dimension to life or an author writes a book that inspires someone to change their way of life, but i am. artsy-ish, i mean. who would've thunk? i have found that i enjoy putting time into working with my hands to make cards for others. i find it fulfilling to intentially make something for someone, putting time and thought into it, and to give it to them to bless them. i just love the feeling of accomplishment of seeing something start to finish, it not looking half bad, and thinking about what it may potentially mean to them. yeah, i think gifts and words or affirmation are my gifts. at least that's what my mom says...
nevertheless, this was a shocking realization, yet one i am happy about. yay. and all this time i thought there was nothing artsy to me...
ok, so today was my day off, and guess what my mother and i did for our weekly rendevous (ok, so every time i have some days off, my mother and i always end up heading out somewhere -usually shopping, once to Truro to pick up the kids, and once even to a birthday party. i know. pretty dang exciting.)? WE WENT OUT FOR CHINESE FOOD!!! yep, the real stuff. and i even had real Chinese tea. yep, jasmine. i was so excited. and there are pictures to prove it. it was fun. and tonight, i went with my cousin Laura to her school, and i crashed their intervarsity group. yep, pretty sure i'm the only one not in school, let alone theirs. but i really enjoyed my time there. we chatted, sang some songs, and watched a really awesome/inspiring/challenging video by Rob Bell. the nooma series. this one was on riches. i like them thus far, and i'm excited about going back...
ok, well i need to end this one here, because 1) it's getting long and 2) i have to work in the morning. but, thankfully not at 5AM...
well, thanks for reading this. i know it's long. maybe i should consider posting more frequently and smaller updates on my life...

"this little light of mine..."

2006-09-19T13:11:00.000-07:00

"do all things without grumbling or disputing; so that you will prove yourselves to be blameless and innocent, children of God above reproach in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you appear as lights in the world..." philippians 2:14-15 (nasb)
wow. i really needed to hear that today. lately, i've been beginning to see myself fit right in with this world. i have found it quite easy to act and actually be like those around me. and while it's not bad to fit in, it is definitely not good to compromise who you are to do so. at work in the last few days, i have found myself to be snappy, impatient, quick to judge and to act on my judgments, among countless other things. and i don't like this person i'm becoming. i'm supposed to be a light in this world, not one of those onetime use flashlights, but a 100,000 watt maglight! ok, so maybe that's going a little far, but you get my drift. didn't Jesus call us to be strangers in this world? we are supposed to be different! it's a good thing! i want people to be able to see Him working in me and hopefully through me. i want to be integrous, compassionate, and patient, because this is what He has called me to and because i want to please Him. i want to show people that being a Christian, a Christ follower, can be fun and not legalistic. it's fulfilling. it's where it's at. i want to minister to these people. i know i dream of one day going to Vancouver and maybe someday back to China to minister to the people there, but i need to recognize that this is my mission field RIGHT NOW. this is where i'm at. i guess a part of me wants to be "ready" before i venture out to fulfill this calling, but i know that i will never be "there." i guess right now i'm being called to be true to myself and to my God, to my weaknesses but to my strength in Him...yeah.
as a child, when we used to sing "this little light of mine" after bedtime devotions, we would add another verse. at the very end, we would always sing, "let it shine over Shubenacadie, i'm going to let it shine..." isn't God amazing to plant that desire then and to make it grow now? i do want to share this light and this love from Him, so i guess i know what i've got to do...

ummm...

2006-09-16T07:36:00.000-07:00

yeah, so this should be an interesting blog, since i'm not even sure what i'm going to exactly say yet...
so, let's start off with, 'yay, i really am not "addicted" to blogging, since i haven't written in a couple of days!' but then again, maybe i am, because i'm always thinking of what i'm going to write next. and how it's going to sound when i write it humorously/profoundly/and other -lys. but not today. nope, this is going to be as random as somethingthatiscompletelyrandom...yep, there should be a little bit of something for everyone in today's trail mix of a blog. (hopefully it's one of those delicious mixes with m&m's and peanuts and cashews, and not one of those less-favored ones with raisins and other dried up shriveled things...)
so, i love being independent. this is one thing i miss while living at home. don't get me wrong, i love eating mom's delectable meals and not having to worry about little things, such as i don't really even remember. but she's gone this weekend, and there's just something about domestically putting a load of laundry in and doing the dishes. it's fulfilling. i like seeing disorder and then fixing it and seeing the finished, ordered product. yeah...
but i hate when i don't know how to make a disordered something orderly. for instance, my life. i don't know 100% what i'm doing/should be doing in January. and maybe that's not such a bad thing? i don't want to get into a lot of detail right now (please feel free to ask me about it all sometime if you're curious, though...), but i would just like to extend an invitation to all of you who read this to pray for me over the next while. i just really need/want direction. and i need your help. thanks, guys.
ps: God is SO amazing! i can't even begin to describe how awesome He is. for instance, i have been feeling really down on myself lately for just being so sinful. i had this idea in my head that since i have been a Christian for so long, that i shouldn't be struggling so much (as you can probably tell, pride is one of these sins...), but i am now more than ever. i just can't seem to get out of the rut i'm in. i know that i am wrong in a lot of my actions and thoughts, but the desire to change doesn't make its way from my head to my heart, as cliche as that sounds. but He reminded me just this morning that His grace is sufficient for me, and it covers me always, not just in the first 5 years of being His child or whatever. i am His and He is mine! and He is continually working in me...how encouraging. He is SO faithful.
and i'll leave it at that for now...

a crazy little thing called "life"

2006-09-13T13:35:00.000-07:00

a friend just asked me how my life is. i replied, "Good. I'm enjoying it."
and i meant it.
i enjoy seeing new people at work. especially Asian ones (warm smile on my face as i remember way back, when i was in China...), a rare commodity in NS. work is fulfilling, and the time passes quickly. it is good to be home, too. it is relaxing, and i enjoy spending time with my family, time that i value now and i may not get to appreciate later. it is also so great to be a serving member in the church that has nurtered, encouraged, and supported me since the day i was born. i feel so content.
ok, so about a month ago, i didn't think that i'd be truthfully saying this at this point in my life. August 7 was the sad day that i decided not to go back to Vancouver right away to staff YWAM as was previously planned, the day that i admitted to myself that i knew that i needed to be home for a period of time, a place that i so desperately wanted to get away from for no other reason than i wanted to be adventurous and daring and didn't want my "wings to be clipped" by staying home. i had just gotten back from Winnipeg, Vancouver, and China, and i wanted to continue going wherever the wind would take me! literally. and, for some strange reason, i have always had this perception that certain young people who stick around Shubie and who don't go to school but decide to just "settle" for a seemingly boring job are going "nowhere" in life. oh how my perspective changed when i became one of these people! but, i also realized how judgmental and close-minded this view is. just because i didn't feel it to be right for my life at most points, it doesn't mean that it's not more than a great idea for others! how humbling...
yeah, and it's funny/ironic that i am feeling so content thus far in a place that i never dreamed i would be. i guess this goes to show that God really does know what He's talking about. like i had any doubts...but i did.
and now, trying to look forward to the future, what's next? i know i need to be here right now, not living in the future. a close friend once told me of her wise father's motto:"wherever you are, there you'll be." so deeply true. but i also don't want to put off thinking about what's next. where is God leading me? is it back to Vancouver? why do i want to go back? is it because of a genuine feeling of being called to the people and ministry there? is it just because i love Vancouver and the people at the base? is this enough? so many questions and too few answers...all that i know is that if i go back, it's going to be because i know that's where God wants me. and i won't go if it's not in His plan. no matter how much i may think i want to.
so, where does this leave me? i need to be faithful in prayer and seeking God out. i need to be listening to His leading, no matter how much my sinful nature denies it's presence. i need help. i can't do it alone...thankfully, my God is so faithful! more faithful than i will or ever can dream to be. i wrote once that i couldn't lose Him even if i wanted to. so true...

milk and two sugars

2006-09-12T06:24:00.000-07:00

i heart tea. it is just so useful. it makes you feel better when you have a cold AND when you feel cold (a state which i am too often found to be in). good ol' red rose does the trick. however, i might add that i am quite fond of the China tea, i will call it. there are just so many kinds of delicious flower teas, green teas, black teas, yellow teas, etc., and the way they prepare it is so neat (as we winter 2006 DTSers found out in our tea art class). and it's so healthy for you. yep, i could drink it all day. and i actually have. oh how i enjoy the little leaves that get stuck in your teeth...good times. anyways, that's what i have to say about tea. the end.

first post...

2006-09-10T20:01:00.000-07:00

wow. i've been hoping/planning to do this for a while now, and in the midst of my boredom/for something to do and to have a place to express what is going on in this mind of mine, this blog site has finally come to fruition tonight. yay. plus, it was on my list of things to do.
so, you may be wondering why the title, "my engedi." well, if you will turn with me to 1 Samuel 23:29, you will discover how God provided David with this "engedi," a place of safety while he hid from a murderous Saul. (ps: no one that i know of is attempting to murder me at this point in time.) my hope and prayer for this blog is that it will be a safe place for me to express my thoughts/ideas/dreams/hopes/comments. basically, i want to be able to get it all out and try to make sense of my often jumbled reasoning. and you get to see it all! and you can comment too. yay for you.
ok, thus ends this somewhat formal introduction to this blog thingy...