here i am again.

hey there.
as too often said, it's been awhile.
and yet, here i am again. i was never gone, but i just was not here.

as i sit here, in this comfy leather chair, slippered feet resting on the coffee table, and with soft Christmas music in my ears, i know again that life is good. not that i often question this, but these moments of solitude and reflection are good for my sometimes too busy soul.

it's been an interesting 2+ months. busyness and loneliness and....wondering how it would be ok. but i think i'm finally settling in a bit more to this new environment. making friends, becoming involved, seeking God and finding Him in so much. so much. it's good. i think i'm learning, day after day, what it looks like to be content. content in a way of trusting and knowing God's grace in such tangible ways. and yet, still seeking to know more.

sigh. and there is so much more to know. just when i think i have it figured out, i discover how much i actually don't. it's humbling. i need this. and yet, i find myself wondering when it all will make sense. funny...

anyways. it's time to go for a bike ride. it's too nice outside not to.
peace out, boy and girls scouts...

"and yet" + life

it's time to write again, to empty my head of some stuff.

first off, "and yet."
what a special combination of 2 three letter words!
in my scholarly readings of late, i have come across "and yet" a few times -once in a reading for intro to music, another in the memoir i was reading for English. and i love them. let me tell you why.
these two words symbolize a turning away from previous thought, a submitting to new possibilities. and there is hope in them. i love this, especially from where i sit right now.

wow. i feel so much. so many "emotions." torn between investing into new things elsewhere. a country away, actually. struggling through it and loving it, all at once. and yet, i want and know i need to invest into the right here, where i am physically, not only where alot of my heart resides. and so, the dilemma of the balance -and is it supposed to be an equal one?- ensues.
i guess i should feel so blessed to love and be loved, all over this deep and wide continent. and i do. and yet, sometimes my heart hurts from being so stretched. it's almost unbearable sometimes.
this is me right now, my reality. figuring out how to be, who to be, who i am becoming in the chaos of it all. it's so rich and good, even if it hurts.
and i keep on coming back to the truth of all things: God is so good. it is His kindness that leads us to repentance and relationship with Him. when i am weak, He is strong. isn't He great?

(this is Henry -i think-, a little something i made for a little someone special.)

settling in...

wow. i can't believe that it's already been only 3+ weeks since i packed up my earthly belongings and headed east to Grand Rapids. in some ways, it feels like a lifetime ago. and yet, i know the adventure has just begun. in so many ways.

these days, life consists mostly of school and the work that goes along with all that jazz. and it's good and meaningful. oh, i love learning and the classes i'm in this semester! the discussions and the opening of my eyes to so much truth is refreshing. however, i'm trying to make intentional decisions and realizations that life should also contain the balance of meaningful relationships and other life giving things. like sending mail. keeping in touch across the many miles. doing my devotions. knitting. biking, just for the sake of biking. playing with the cousins and spending time with my family here. listening to someone, even when i'm urgent to get that next assignment out of the way.

so, i've been making some friends here. a couple at the church i'm hoping to attend consistently. some at Kuyper. and even finding friends in family. and it's good. i know i'm blessed. God is so faithful.

so, this is where i sit today. knowing that i'm where i should be, even if my heart and body sometimes long to be elsewhere. and thankful that i can see the blessings from where i sit today, knowing that i may need to be reminded tomorrow of God's hand in this.

...and she's back!

wow. it's been awhile.

after what turned out to be a summer sabbatical from posting on this blog, i have returned. yet, as i sit here sipping hot chocolate and listening to Sigur Ros in the sunroom of my aunt and uncle's home in East Grand Rapids, i wonder where to begin. and so many questions fill my mind. "will i even remember how to do this? will anyone ever read this again, after the likely severe disappointment of not being able to feast their eyes on my humble thoughts for so long?"

don't get me wrong, there was many a time over the last few months when i wanted nothing more than to process the ongoing going ons of this life of mine. a lot has taken place since i last posted. let me give you a bit of a synopsis: moved out of my home of 2 years into my pastors' home; flew away from Vancouver 5 weeks later, leaving many relationships and memories behind, but taking so much in the way of personal growth and life lessons; worked on the family farm for 1.5 months, juggling being a bridesmaid in my cousin's wedding and hosting some amazing people visiting me in NS; packed up and moved to Michigan and am now looking forward to this next year of school, living with some pretty cool family of mine, and growing into what God has for me. yes.

so, this is where i am now. anticipating the future with a mixture of excitement/ fear of the unknown and expectation that God will be faithful throughout yet another season of this life. it's a good place to be -feeling somewhat out of control but able to turn to the One who holds it all in the palm of His hand. it's good.

i hope to write more as i journey this, but for now i'll just leave you with a picture, in case you forgot what i looked like...

mayhem.

i just came home a bit ago to discover 2 strange men building a fence in the backyard (the new tenants as of June), 2 roommates, a sister and cousin of one roommate, the fiancee of the other, and random furniture EVERYWHERE. all under the same roof.
so. many. people. and their stuff.
hence, i've locked myself in my room. i'm such an introvert.
there is just so much going on right now. so many emotions and changes and...everything. friend leaving for Germany this week. moving out in less than a week -the end of 2 full years of living in this house with some pretty amazing people- and going our separate ways. friend coming from Germany on Sunday eve. leaving YWAM and trying to finish well. heading back to NS in a month and a bit, thus leaving Vancouver and its quite lovable people behind. not being sure of what lies after the summer of milking those cows twice a day.
so. much.
and, i don't know how to handle it all. i just feel like locking myself in my room. oh, wait...i did that already. but really. how do i do this?
sigh. so much, but i don't think it's too much...
somewhere, in the midst of this mayhem, i find peace. the peace that passes all understanding (down in my heart. where? down in my heart.).
and it's ok.
it will be ok.

i love...

...lilacs on my kitchen table. hoods. scarves. pockets...in everything. deep conversations with good friends. laughing. discovering who i am supposed to be. "golden hour." biking home from work. cooking dinner for those i love. finding the perfect gift for a friend. making cards. being creative when i didn't know i had it in me. reading a compelling book. singing. what i do every day. watching "The Office" with my housemates. talking on skype with faraway friends. sleeping. when God reveals something new to me. roadtrips. weddings. summer. taking good pictures. writing things down. life. babies. joy. hope. grace. a good cry. coffee in the morning. finding friends in strangers. hearing the stories of others. numbers and sudokus. stupid jokes. hearing a song that fits the moment.

right now...

the Bokmas in BC

as many of you know, British Columbia was graced with the visiting presence of George (aka Dad), Luanne (aka Mom), and Sara (aka sister friend) Bokma in the month of April. oh yes, good times were had.
the threesome arrived by plane on a sunny, yet chilly Good Friday (aka the 28th wedding anniversary of my parents) and the week flew by until Bad Friday, when they left by the same means of transportation. it was sad. but, let's focus on the days in between!
during those 7 days, we managed to paint Vancouver red (not really, it's just a saying...), as well as head to Vancouver Island to explore its many sights (Victoria, Chemainus, Nanaimo, Parksville, Quallicum Beach (and falls!), Coombs, Cathedral Grove, and Port Alberni, to name a few!) it was wonderful to share a bit of my life with them and to make some lasting memories with these loved-ones, if only for a few days.
let's look at some pictures to give you a better picture (:D) of it all!

the good ol' Commercial Drive, where the magic happens...

they are eating with chopsticks! it's a good day, even though Mom swiftly moved to the fork after the photo was taken...

fun times at Lynn Canyon, my tourist hot spot staple!

one of my favorite memories of our time together. it was a clear Sunday night after a typical rainy Vancouver day. in the afternoon, we had gone to our home to nap, and woke up and went to Stanley Park to find this beautiful scene.

4/9ths of the Bokma family in front of the parliment buildings in Victoria. too bad they were closed for tours!

sister time!

cherry blossoms! i'm going to miss these first signs of spring next year...

ferry ride back to Vancouver from Nanaimo (we totally bought Nanaimo bars in Nanaimo and ate them on the ferry!). what a beautiful day!

Mom and i. aren't we cute?

Shannon Falls in Squamish. Sara and i were tired of driving, getting out, and driving again, so we stayed in the car until Dad came running, exclaiming the beauty of this place. he was right. it was positively spectacular!

*if these aren't enough pictures for your viewing pleasure, please make your way to either NS or BC where one of the 3 ladies will be happy to share countless (i'm guessing hundreds) other memories capture on film and in our hearts. thank you, and have a great day!

becoming.

as always, where to begin?
it's been one of "those" days. just lazing around the house, puttering about, talking with friends, but not getting much done. and this is difficult for someone who gauges the success of her day by what she finishes. i know, it's only 4PM, but the day is steadily slipping away from me. and once again, my fear of being out of control is controlling me. sigh...
it's on days like these that hopelessness and insecurity reign. my idle mind wanders, and i find myself lost. ravaged by emotions and doubts, i crumble in a heap. who am i? where am i going? why is it so hard?
yet, in this seeming hopelessness, i also find myself found. Someone is pursuing me and watering the seeds He has planted. He is growing me, i am becoming, and there IS hope.
i am His, and He is mine. delightful.