seasons.

this one has been percolating (like good coffee, i hope!) inside of me for awhile, but i guess i felt that i didn't have the time or words to put these thoughts of mine down. until now, when i should be doing some work, but just can't think past these thoughts that are ready to emerge. i'm due for a break anyway. here we go...

sigh. life is...so many things! i feel like i'm beginning to discover so many new things about myself in this time. and it's not all fun. discovering that i hate not feeling in control of things and beginning to shut down when i find myself in this position. realizing that in an effort to anticipate (and often stress about!) future plans, i'm missing out on relationships and experiences right in front of me. i regret this. wondering if, with the new changes that are coming my way, i'll find myself to be flexible in adapting to or rebellious in accepting what i have signed up for. i pray for God's grace and hope in this time, and the one to come. oh, and i'm uber emotional all the time. yay. [well, i guess i'd rather be in touch with my emotions right now, than have a cold heart of stone. but, my crying outbursts are beginning to tire me out...literally. like, right now.]

yeah, i just don't know. i'm at that point again, seeking direction and hoping that i'm going in the right one. needing to hear from God and to trust Him, really trust that He has gone before me and is leading me well. but sometimes, it's so hard to take that first and second step of obedience. i want to walk on that water, but i have to step out of the boat, as someone once wisely wrote.

sigh. but why does it have to be so difficult? why can't i just see a glimpse of how it will turn out? oh, i need to learn trust.

Psalm 23

...He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul...

beautiful day (Sunday's musings).

i <3 Sundays.
they are quite possibly the best day of the week. to me, this sunny day has a warm glow of life and community and joy to it. sigh. it's the best.
as i sip my freshly ground and brewed coffee and pick at my banana bread, the product of one of my domestic housemates, i feel so content and...blessed to live this life.
as i stood in church this morning at the close of the service, i realized how much i love the benediction/ parting blessing. so, i will leave you with these words that have blessed the beginning of my week and this beautiful day.

²⁵ Now to him who is able to establish (& strengthen!) you by my gospel and the proclamation of Jesus Christ, according to the revelation of the mystery hidden for long ages past, ²⁶ but now revealed and made known through the prophetic writings by the command of the eternal God, so that all nations might believe and obey him— ²⁷ to the only wise God be glory forever through Jesus Christ! Amen.

sigh...

this is it. this is my life. right here, right now. it's not waiting for me as i wait for it, for something big to happen to signal a new chapter or season. it just takes place every day, whether i'm ready or not. it just is.
i just came back from a walk to London Drugs and the bank to get some money and random things. well, my intention was just to get some pictures developed, but i walked out with a Coke, a Snickers bar, a gluestick, and an Arizona Red Apple Green Tea. oh, the things i buy when i'm in this mood...
i really enjoy getting out of the house on nights like this. there is a mist in the air as little rain droplets fall from the sky. believe it or not, i'll miss the moody rain habits of this unpredictable city. i'm forced to pull those all-too-easily-distracting-mp3-earbuds out of my ears as this precipitation pitter patters on the healthy green shrubs as i walk by in the dark. friendly piano music somehow escapes the well-gated and ominous Helen's grocery store, and i begin to think that Helen and i would be friends, if only we knew each other, if only i could work up the nerve to not be scared of the self-spun myths of her stealing small children to sell the small clothes hanging on her fence. a neighbor smiles as he climbs into his car, as another yells at his smoke alarm that has gone off yet again. oh, i'll miss this neighborhood.
this is my life, and i don't want to miss it. as it happens, i want to be there, here, experiencing it and living it.
oh, i'm beginning to sound like the sappy country song i'm listening to, as i type this out in the cozy kitchen with two of my roommates...sigh. life.

today.

today, i love my life.
as i bike in the early morning to the job i love, i ride towards the big, bright, blue mountains for which Vancouver is named one of the most b-e-a-utiful cities on this earth. as i work, i feel purposeful and as if what i am doing matters and makes a difference. as i head home, i am blessed to see the sun set on Vancouver, casting warm shadows.
today, i love my life.

an afternoon with Soph and Ella.

(when i asked her to pose cutely, Sophia went and grabbed her doll

and then had her doll hold a baby...)

it has been another joyous day!
i had the pleasure of spending the afternoon with the little Pallister ladies, and we were blessed with another sunny Vancouver day.
i think one of my favorite parts of the day was when, at lunch, Sophia all of a sudden got really serious. then she piped up and exclaimed, "Reba, i have something to tell you! God just gave me a message. He wants me to tell you that He loves you...and He loves me too!" isn't that the best? i felt so blessed to be reminded of this by such an insightful 4 year old.

what a nice sister shot! this is actually Eleanor's attempt at a smile and not a grimace...

no, i do not eat children. this was an attempt at re-enacting funny pictures that Sophia and i took together when i first moved here and was babysitting her once.

and then Eleanor attacked me. oh, we had fun!

gifts.

so, i've decided that God is pretty much the best gift-giver in the whole world.
i've been having a hard time of just reflecting on and embracing what's been happening in my life lately. desperately wanting to feel something, anything towards all that has taken place in the last week. going so far as to wish for the deeply emotional times of feeling intense pain, just so that i could also experience joy again.
but just now, as i sat outside, drawn there by the sun casting warm shadows and my need to process in some way, i was overwhelmed by God's gifts/grace in my life. let me name a few:
discovering a delicious recipe and succeeding, with the help of Ms. Betty Crocker and Mr. Bis Quick. receiving a beautiful journal and card from my brother and sister, being blessed by God through them. getting a new job that came together in less than 8 hours. experiencing coffee, good times, and friendship with roommates. having a week between ending my YWAM commitment and beginning my new job. getting to play with kids for work. witnessing a beautiful week in the midst of Vancouver winter. being able to trust that His ways are good and not feeling devastated on Tuesday that we didn't get the re-zoning for the YWAM building. getting accepted into college and finishing my financial aid applications. sharing food and fellowship at my church's Community Nights and YWAM's potlucks. getting to chat for a few minutes last night with a friend that i miss muchly. watching "The Office" and laughing at and quoting it with my housemates. eating free doughnuts. writing in my new journal. being content right now...it's good. God is good. i hope i never stop realizing this...

garlic cheese biscuits...mmm!
playing scrabble with Krista and Hannah...
note some of the weird words we came up with
Joshua and Sylvie
doughnuts!
journaling outside in the sun

what a day!

we at YWAM Vancouver had a pretty monumental day, hearing after 2 years and many meetings with the city and our opposing neighbors, that we would not be able to re-zone the building that we have seen God so miraculously provide for. we'll be putting it up for sale tomorrow and continuing to trust God to provide His best for us, no matter what this looks like tangibly.
and then, tonight i got an email informing me that i have been accepted to Kuyper College for the Fall 2009 session. YAY!
what a day of sobering and exciting news! and through it all, God is so faithful.
last night, i was listening to my mp3 player, and "Faithful," by Brooke Fraser came on. here is the chorus that hit me (well, not literally):

when i can't feel you, i have learned to reach out just the same/ when i can't hear you, i know you still hear every word i pray/ and i want you more than i want to live another day/ and as i wait for you maybe i'm made more faithful

ah, that last line is a kicker! shouldn't that be my goal? to grow in faithfulness as i seek and wait? *sigh* easier said than done.
i could go on and on, but i'd rather try to collect my thoughts first than put words to them only as i write.
it's been a good day, a blessed week. God is good and faithful.
AMEN.

afternoon delight...

This sunny Sunday afternoon has done me good. I was beginning to succumb to my hermit-like tendencies until -alas!- the sun made its appearance today. Sigh…’twas good.
I headed to church on my bike this morning, with Jen on my left and Dan (both housemates) on my right. And I’m pleased (yet feeling slightly sympathetic) to say that my rickety ol’ bike was the only one of the three that did not propel their rider from its seat. Good job, still unnamed bike!
Church was good. So good for my soul. There is definitely a lot to be said about worshiping in a community of believers. I <3 it. And then, after arriving home and puttering about for awhile, I went for a journey around the block at golden hour, experimenting with this new camera of mine. I hope that you enjoy the product of its work...
It was a blessed day!

...on a jet plane...

[i wrote this on the plane ride from Vancouver to Toronto today...]

here i am, sitting on a plane, willing it to get to Toronto, the next short season in my life, faster.

i feel like the plane, heading to one place from another, in between. i’m pondering memories of this last fall and the blessing of friends in Vancouver, as well as getting really excited to spend the holidays with my precious family and to rest. and i’m afraid that the former may effect how well i engage the latter.

someone once said, “wherever you go, there you are.” i like it and it should be/needs to be true for me right now. i want to be fully present where I am today, not willingly lost in remembering yesterday and anticipating tomorrow. and I guess, right now this means me leaving/ arriving on a jet plane, reflecting on where i am right now.

sigh…life.

end of November=December=Christmas and more...

wow...November 2008 ends in less than an hour.
where have the first 11 months of this year gone? only one more to go? this is lunacy! i am becoming more and more of an avid supporter of my stance that time speeds up as i grow older. the years go by faster as i age, i'm sure.
and as i head into December, my day planner has filled up faster than a plate is filled by a glutton at a buffet. i am thoroughly convinced that the world believes that the whole month of December equals Christmas. and maybe my schedule betrays the fact that i too am succumbing to this idea...
but, i'm not here today to write about how we have taken the "Christ" out of "Christmas" or whatever. maybe some other time. i'm actually not quite sure with what purpose i came to write today. maybe i just wanted to tame my mind by putting some of the thoughts that are bouncing around down...maybe i just wanted to be heard, as i sit alone in a house with 3 sleeping childfolk... maybe i wanted to document the fact that i do actually think and have thoughts as evidence for the times when it appears that i seldom do...
i wish i could really capture all that has happened/ is happening in my life. so many emotions and thoughts and joys and fears. new perspectives and now i'm just trying to figure out how to live and breathe through them. but how do i take the first step when i feel limited by myself and my circumstances? how do i live abundantly when i have boundaries in the areas i want to grow in? do i just try to grow around them?
what are the answers to my life?
bueller? bueller?
i think i may have some of the answers to these questions or at least know where i can find them. thanks for hearing me ramble on.
and don't think that this will be the end of it...

chocolate chip cookies and life.

right now, i'm making a couple of batches of chocolate chip cookies for breaks for our DTS. i am also trying to figure out my life. i know, i know, these are two activities that are so likely to be paired together...

what am i supposed to do with this life that has been so generously granted to me? i feel like i am in high school all over again, feeling the pressure of the impending decisions that i need to make. and desperately not wanting to mess it all up.
i want to hold this life, my life with open hands and be a good steward of it, but what does this actually look like? what does this mean for February and beyond? and what about a year from now? is school the right move? i'm having selfdoubts that i'll be able to jump right back in, after almost 4 years out of the academic life. and what do i want to learn? there is just so much to discover! and i want to do it all...
i think that i might be falling back into the dangerous area of being so afraid to make a move for fear that it is the "wrong" direction, that i don't even trust God to lead and guide me...
oh God, help me to trust You where you are taking me, right here, right now.

cookies call. this little post has been cathartic. thanks.
and please pray for me...

the sock monkey story...

so, as much as it seems that this story has been told and retold to its death, i realize that it really hasn't traveled much further than the city limits of Vancouver. thus, "the sock monkey story" is about to be told yet again...

(plus, it's high time that i share a humorous -i hope- tidbit of my life instead of always pensively yammering on about the perplexities of life. high time.)

on Saturday evening, i was out for a walk to get some coffee with a close friend, when a man sitting outside one of the coffee shops politely asked the time as we passed by. i gave him a prompt answer and we carried on. not 3 seconds later, as we reached a bus stop, another man posed a question. confident after assisting the coffee man, i was ready to save the day with yet another quick answer. but this man asked a question that i wasn't sure i wanted to answer. in his drunken state, he lifted up his keychained sock monkey and asked,

"can you show me how to spank the monkey?"

a little taken aback by his candor, i did what all good friends would do in the same situation. after a pause and a little giggle, i referred the bus stop man to my friend for his answer.

this is kinda what the little guy looked like.
i mean, the keychained sock monkey, not the bus stop man or coffee man or my friend, when she was mad at me.

i want to write but i don't know what...

life. it's crazy (i always say this, don't i? i need to find more words...) and beautiful at the same time.

this week in DTS land, we're learning about justice and what it looks like in the world today. it's so scary, yet exciting. i mean, it's great to hear stories of how others are reconciling the world to truth, but where do i fit in? i know that God calls me to be a bringer of justice, but how can i if i'm struggling with even having a heart for it, for others?
our speaker said something interesting today:
we love out of our own needs. we love because we need love.
this is so true. i don't know if i would care so much about people if i knew they couldn't or wouldn't love me back...
i'm not really sure how to proceed from this thought, so i'm going to leave it here for now...

dear Vancouver,

i am writing you to inform you that i am a bit perturbed with you.
over the last few weeks, you have been throwing me off-guard with your moody weather habits.
one minute, it's sharp and cold, yet sunny. and then, before you (or i) know it, the heavens part to release more precipitation than is in most oceans.
really, it's a bit much. and i'm not ready for it. no raincoat (that i like). no umbrella (it got lost this past spring). only some Zellers boots that are less than comfortable. yet, they are highly functionable, and for this, i am thankful.
case in point: one very rainy morning this week (i believe that it was Tuesday), i donned my rain apparel: some handmedown "outdoor" (NOT waterproof) pants, a spring jacket and my bag under a clear plastic poncho, my helmet, and my afore-mentioned rainboots. as i pulled out of my back alley and onto the bike path on my bike headed to work and ready (or so i thought) to face the weather, a fellow biker pulled up beside me, commenting on my amazing rain gear. i muttered something about making do with what i had and wished him a nice day, purposely slowing down, so that he would pass me and go about biking in his snazzy matching waterproof spandex pants, uber waterproof jacket, and shoes that attach to his bike pedals. thankfully, he took my hint.
Vancouver, not only are you soaking me, you are allowing me to be embarrassed. meany!
this is my main complaint for now.
thank you for your time,
Rebecca

oh life...

oh life...
it feels like my life is just whizzing past me at the speed of light right now. i'm trying to grasp onto something, anything that is stable so that i can find my place again, but it feels nearly impossible.
i just came back home from 2 weeks away (i was staying at my pastors' house with 2 of our DTS students while T and J were away on a missions trip), including a week in Kelowna for the YWAM GO Conference. and so much has happened. it feels like the whole world is a new place. or maybe i'm just viewing it through different eyes. and yet, i don't feel like i've really grasped these changes at all.
oh, i could write a book right now, just trying to document/figure out what i have learned/am learning! but i can't. no time. i'm on a schedule. things to do. people to see. cards to write. gifts to send. party at my house tonight. sigh...when will the madness stop? i.need.to.breathe...

one morning this week, i felt like God wanted me to awake early and see the sunrise. it was one of the most incredible things ever. thanks, God. You are good.


i live for moments like these. a time where i can reflect on the "now" and how blessed i am to be alive and here.
sigh...

one of those days...

it's been one of those days. i have 2 posts (half) written that i've never published, yet i still can't seem to spit out what i want to say today.
it's been a good day. a contemplative one....
this morning, two of my friends had their third wedding event after tying the knot in Utah and then having a reception in Australia. it was great to stand with them as they celebrated their covenant with each other and God once again.
not surprisingly, their marriage causes me to wonder if a white dress, beautiful flowers, and beaming groom are in my future. this has actually been a major issue in the "learning to trust God" phase of my life, lately. it's funny (but not really...) how i can trust Him with most anything else, but i don't seem to think that He can handle this area. i've been told that if God has placed the desire to marry in your heart, then He won't not have you fall in love, but life has been teaching me that it just isn't that simple and straightforward. relationships are not logical. and this is hard for my "a+b=c" mind to grasp. really. sometimes i wish that they made sense like that, but then i realize that they just wouldn't be as beautiful and often miraculous if they were always predictable. sigh...this doesn't make it any easier, though...

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD"
Psalm 27:14

oh, what to write?

that day has rolled around once again. the day when my overwhelming guilt of establishing a blogspot and telling you that i'll be regularly posting and then leaving it dormant for a month at a time, so now i should write something just to quench your thirst for another month, day.
sigh. i really want to write something that will make you laugh or really just sit still and think, but i just don't know what to say. [there's a first, eh?] often, my deep and profound moments of thought are also inconvenient ones. they often occur when i'm riding my bike or in the shower, and i just cannot put my thoughts down before they leave my head.
as i write, i'm sitting outside on my covered porch during my favorite time of the day: golden hour. it's such a romantic time. i'm sipping my coke and vanilla extract beverage (no really, it's tastier than it sounds! and it's as close as i can get to vanilla coke...) and listening to some great music (check out Ingrid Michaelson's "the hat"). the day is beautiful and there is even the smell of freshly clean laundry in the air. yet, i feel so scattered.
i thought that this would be a perfect weekend. one of calmness (rest and reflection) before the storm (DTS+life) hit. but it's been a weird one. i don't even know how to describe it. it just is what it is.
and i guess i've been feeling really insecure lately. knowing that i'm an insecure leader and wanting to grow in this during this upcoming season. feeling and being awkward around people lately. not wanting to welcome new people in. wanting to grow in creativity, yet doubting my ability. anticipating my future with confidence and doubt at the same time. wanting deeper relationships, but not offering them to others. wondering all the time how people perceive me. do they laugh at and judge my faults? i know i do this. it's just so humbling feeling so awkward. and maybe that's what i need right now. humility. and grace, knowing that God loves me all the same, regardless of my awareness of self.
i hate that i feel i always have to come to a conclusion about where i am at. sometimes there are no answers to questions, yet i always feel the need to find one. and i think that some questions are meant to stay as such for awhile, until God reveals His purpose in them.
deep breath.
this is where i am now. reflecting life, all the while knowing that i'm in a new season of growth and becoming. and i take such great comfort in this. God is good. all the time. all the time. God is good.
amen.

my August in pictures.

so, friends, it is high time that i post some pictures of some of the highlights in my life over the past month. on a side note, i cannot believe that it is already (almost) September!!! where did this summer go? if you know, please inform me.

let us begin with my trip to NS at the end of July until August 9. one of the major events while i was there was the Bokma family reunion. and our birthday, but it really wasn't that big...

Beppe and Pake, the 2 who started it all (aren't they so cute?).

it was wonderful to be near family that had traveled both far and near to be there. this is Tante Linda and my cousin Hans with me on a bus tour of southern NS.

Pake and myself, outside the famed bus.

this is a picture of a secluded (or at least that's what i was told before changing into my bathing suit and meeting a friendly stranger before i was finished) beach in southern NS.
much of the fun and fellowship had during the reuniting was centered around the karaoke. you should've seen me all fired up, singing "Have You Ever?" in memory of my unrequited love in jr. high. for now, you can see Rachel breaking it down in the back.

this is a picture of most of the beautiful Bokma family in our matchy matchy t-shirts.
"we're FINALLY 21!"
i'm not sure why that's so exciting, but i think it has to do with the fact that we're not "only 20" anymore...

we went for a (free) mini-golfing escapade the day i left. it's a good idea to distract oneself with such activities when avoiding dealing with the emotions that are coupled with separation for an extended period of time. [ok, so my camera conked out for forever at this point in time, so my photo documentation of the following weeks is not as extensive as when i had a functioning camera. your understanding is appreciated]

next, after less than a week back in Vancouver, i was off again, this time headed not so far east to Pinawa, Manitoba for 10 days for a YWAM staff conference/retreat. as previously stated, few pictures were taken (none actually of the retreat or in MB...), so savor these next 3 snapshots...

this picture of Jana, myself, and Rene, depicts how excited we were to be on the road for 6 days total (3 there and 3 back).
this picture is of some of the gang that filled 11 of the 12 seats in
the 15 passenger van (you can see the van in the back).

this picture of Jana, myself, and Rene depicts how excited we are to be arriving home the next day.

it really has been a great August. "thanks!" goes out to all those who contributed to make it this way!
and, i know that you're probably thinking "wow! 3 posts in a row. Rebecca has repented of slacking off, posts-wise." yeah, sorry, this is just not true. i had lots to fill you in on. if things change, i'll let you know. right now, it's after 9 PM, and i have much more to do once i cross "writing a post about my August in pictures" off the list.

sometimes...

sometimes i hate looking at other people's blogs, because then i feel bad for not writing on mine often enough. and then, when i finally do get a creative urge and time, i write about how i never write....
it feels like life has thrown me somewhat of a curve ball this week. that, or i just wasn't prepared for what it would hold. after being home in NS for a bit over 2 weeks and then being in Vancouver for less than a week and then proceeding to jump into a van with 10 others headed to Pinawa, MB, for a YWAM Canada conference/retreat for 10 days total, i just didn't know which way was up. the aforementioned trips were all very special, meaningful, and important to me (and i'll post more about them soon), but i guess i didn't know what to expect next. over the course of this past week, our DTS has been cancelled and is now on again, i have had the joy of discovering some of the not-so-fun aspects of my anal personality, i have prayed about and think i know what is next after my commitment to YWAM is done, i have said goodbye to some close friends, i have taken on some new responsibilities that in hindsight might be a bit much, and more...
but, today is a new day. i don't feel as bewildered as i did earlier on this week. and over the last while, i have been learning some stuff. like how taking risks and trusting that God will always be with me wherever i am and whatever i do is much more freeing than being afraid of failure. that i can be excited about the future while still remembering the past with fondness. and how to proceed when i realize how stupid i can be to the people i care about.
it's been a weird/difficult week, but a good one. one of pain and change and transition, yet also one of perspective and hope and grace.

(picture taken by Rachel Anne Bokma)