mayhem.

i just came home a bit ago to discover 2 strange men building a fence in the backyard (the new tenants as of June), 2 roommates, a sister and cousin of one roommate, the fiancee of the other, and random furniture EVERYWHERE. all under the same roof.
so. many. people. and their stuff.
hence, i've locked myself in my room. i'm such an introvert.
there is just so much going on right now. so many emotions and changes and...everything. friend leaving for Germany this week. moving out in less than a week -the end of 2 full years of living in this house with some pretty amazing people- and going our separate ways. friend coming from Germany on Sunday eve. leaving YWAM and trying to finish well. heading back to NS in a month and a bit, thus leaving Vancouver and its quite lovable people behind. not being sure of what lies after the summer of milking those cows twice a day.
so. much.
and, i don't know how to handle it all. i just feel like locking myself in my room. oh, wait...i did that already. but really. how do i do this?
sigh. so much, but i don't think it's too much...
somewhere, in the midst of this mayhem, i find peace. the peace that passes all understanding (down in my heart. where? down in my heart.).
and it's ok.
it will be ok.

i love...

...lilacs on my kitchen table. hoods. scarves. pockets...in everything. deep conversations with good friends. laughing. discovering who i am supposed to be. "golden hour." biking home from work. cooking dinner for those i love. finding the perfect gift for a friend. making cards. being creative when i didn't know i had it in me. reading a compelling book. singing. what i do every day. watching "The Office" with my housemates. talking on skype with faraway friends. sleeping. when God reveals something new to me. roadtrips. weddings. summer. taking good pictures. writing things down. life. babies. joy. hope. grace. a good cry. coffee in the morning. finding friends in strangers. hearing the stories of others. numbers and sudokus. stupid jokes. hearing a song that fits the moment.

right now...

the Bokmas in BC

as many of you know, British Columbia was graced with the visiting presence of George (aka Dad), Luanne (aka Mom), and Sara (aka sister friend) Bokma in the month of April. oh yes, good times were had.
the threesome arrived by plane on a sunny, yet chilly Good Friday (aka the 28th wedding anniversary of my parents) and the week flew by until Bad Friday, when they left by the same means of transportation. it was sad. but, let's focus on the days in between!
during those 7 days, we managed to paint Vancouver red (not really, it's just a saying...), as well as head to Vancouver Island to explore its many sights (Victoria, Chemainus, Nanaimo, Parksville, Quallicum Beach (and falls!), Coombs, Cathedral Grove, and Port Alberni, to name a few!) it was wonderful to share a bit of my life with them and to make some lasting memories with these loved-ones, if only for a few days.
let's look at some pictures to give you a better picture (:D) of it all!

the good ol' Commercial Drive, where the magic happens...

they are eating with chopsticks! it's a good day, even though Mom swiftly moved to the fork after the photo was taken...

fun times at Lynn Canyon, my tourist hot spot staple!

one of my favorite memories of our time together. it was a clear Sunday night after a typical rainy Vancouver day. in the afternoon, we had gone to our home to nap, and woke up and went to Stanley Park to find this beautiful scene.

4/9ths of the Bokma family in front of the parliment buildings in Victoria. too bad they were closed for tours!

sister time!

cherry blossoms! i'm going to miss these first signs of spring next year...

ferry ride back to Vancouver from Nanaimo (we totally bought Nanaimo bars in Nanaimo and ate them on the ferry!). what a beautiful day!

Mom and i. aren't we cute?

Shannon Falls in Squamish. Sara and i were tired of driving, getting out, and driving again, so we stayed in the car until Dad came running, exclaiming the beauty of this place. he was right. it was positively spectacular!

*if these aren't enough pictures for your viewing pleasure, please make your way to either NS or BC where one of the 3 ladies will be happy to share countless (i'm guessing hundreds) other memories capture on film and in our hearts. thank you, and have a great day!

becoming.

as always, where to begin?
it's been one of "those" days. just lazing around the house, puttering about, talking with friends, but not getting much done. and this is difficult for someone who gauges the success of her day by what she finishes. i know, it's only 4PM, but the day is steadily slipping away from me. and once again, my fear of being out of control is controlling me. sigh...
it's on days like these that hopelessness and insecurity reign. my idle mind wanders, and i find myself lost. ravaged by emotions and doubts, i crumble in a heap. who am i? where am i going? why is it so hard?
yet, in this seeming hopelessness, i also find myself found. Someone is pursuing me and watering the seeds He has planted. He is growing me, i am becoming, and there IS hope.
i am His, and He is mine. delightful.

seasons.

this one has been percolating (like good coffee, i hope!) inside of me for awhile, but i guess i felt that i didn't have the time or words to put these thoughts of mine down. until now, when i should be doing some work, but just can't think past these thoughts that are ready to emerge. i'm due for a break anyway. here we go...

sigh. life is...so many things! i feel like i'm beginning to discover so many new things about myself in this time. and it's not all fun. discovering that i hate not feeling in control of things and beginning to shut down when i find myself in this position. realizing that in an effort to anticipate (and often stress about!) future plans, i'm missing out on relationships and experiences right in front of me. i regret this. wondering if, with the new changes that are coming my way, i'll find myself to be flexible in adapting to or rebellious in accepting what i have signed up for. i pray for God's grace and hope in this time, and the one to come. oh, and i'm uber emotional all the time. yay. [well, i guess i'd rather be in touch with my emotions right now, than have a cold heart of stone. but, my crying outbursts are beginning to tire me out...literally. like, right now.]

yeah, i just don't know. i'm at that point again, seeking direction and hoping that i'm going in the right one. needing to hear from God and to trust Him, really trust that He has gone before me and is leading me well. but sometimes, it's so hard to take that first and second step of obedience. i want to walk on that water, but i have to step out of the boat, as someone once wisely wrote.

sigh. but why does it have to be so difficult? why can't i just see a glimpse of how it will turn out? oh, i need to learn trust.

Psalm 23

...He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul...

beautiful day (Sunday's musings).

i <3 Sundays.
they are quite possibly the best day of the week. to me, this sunny day has a warm glow of life and community and joy to it. sigh. it's the best.
as i sip my freshly ground and brewed coffee and pick at my banana bread, the product of one of my domestic housemates, i feel so content and...blessed to live this life.
as i stood in church this morning at the close of the service, i realized how much i love the benediction/ parting blessing. so, i will leave you with these words that have blessed the beginning of my week and this beautiful day.

²⁵ Now to him who is able to establish (& strengthen!) you by my gospel and the proclamation of Jesus Christ, according to the revelation of the mystery hidden for long ages past, ²⁶ but now revealed and made known through the prophetic writings by the command of the eternal God, so that all nations might believe and obey him— ²⁷ to the only wise God be glory forever through Jesus Christ! Amen.

sigh...

this is it. this is my life. right here, right now. it's not waiting for me as i wait for it, for something big to happen to signal a new chapter or season. it just takes place every day, whether i'm ready or not. it just is.
i just came back from a walk to London Drugs and the bank to get some money and random things. well, my intention was just to get some pictures developed, but i walked out with a Coke, a Snickers bar, a gluestick, and an Arizona Red Apple Green Tea. oh, the things i buy when i'm in this mood...
i really enjoy getting out of the house on nights like this. there is a mist in the air as little rain droplets fall from the sky. believe it or not, i'll miss the moody rain habits of this unpredictable city. i'm forced to pull those all-too-easily-distracting-mp3-earbuds out of my ears as this precipitation pitter patters on the healthy green shrubs as i walk by in the dark. friendly piano music somehow escapes the well-gated and ominous Helen's grocery store, and i begin to think that Helen and i would be friends, if only we knew each other, if only i could work up the nerve to not be scared of the self-spun myths of her stealing small children to sell the small clothes hanging on her fence. a neighbor smiles as he climbs into his car, as another yells at his smoke alarm that has gone off yet again. oh, i'll miss this neighborhood.
this is my life, and i don't want to miss it. as it happens, i want to be there, here, experiencing it and living it.
oh, i'm beginning to sound like the sappy country song i'm listening to, as i type this out in the cozy kitchen with two of my roommates...sigh. life.

today.

today, i love my life.
as i bike in the early morning to the job i love, i ride towards the big, bright, blue mountains for which Vancouver is named one of the most b-e-a-utiful cities on this earth. as i work, i feel purposeful and as if what i am doing matters and makes a difference. as i head home, i am blessed to see the sun set on Vancouver, casting warm shadows.
today, i love my life.

an afternoon with Soph and Ella.

(when i asked her to pose cutely, Sophia went and grabbed her doll

and then had her doll hold a baby...)

it has been another joyous day!
i had the pleasure of spending the afternoon with the little Pallister ladies, and we were blessed with another sunny Vancouver day.
i think one of my favorite parts of the day was when, at lunch, Sophia all of a sudden got really serious. then she piped up and exclaimed, "Reba, i have something to tell you! God just gave me a message. He wants me to tell you that He loves you...and He loves me too!" isn't that the best? i felt so blessed to be reminded of this by such an insightful 4 year old.

what a nice sister shot! this is actually Eleanor's attempt at a smile and not a grimace...

no, i do not eat children. this was an attempt at re-enacting funny pictures that Sophia and i took together when i first moved here and was babysitting her once.

and then Eleanor attacked me. oh, we had fun!

gifts.

so, i've decided that God is pretty much the best gift-giver in the whole world.
i've been having a hard time of just reflecting on and embracing what's been happening in my life lately. desperately wanting to feel something, anything towards all that has taken place in the last week. going so far as to wish for the deeply emotional times of feeling intense pain, just so that i could also experience joy again.
but just now, as i sat outside, drawn there by the sun casting warm shadows and my need to process in some way, i was overwhelmed by God's gifts/grace in my life. let me name a few:
discovering a delicious recipe and succeeding, with the help of Ms. Betty Crocker and Mr. Bis Quick. receiving a beautiful journal and card from my brother and sister, being blessed by God through them. getting a new job that came together in less than 8 hours. experiencing coffee, good times, and friendship with roommates. having a week between ending my YWAM commitment and beginning my new job. getting to play with kids for work. witnessing a beautiful week in the midst of Vancouver winter. being able to trust that His ways are good and not feeling devastated on Tuesday that we didn't get the re-zoning for the YWAM building. getting accepted into college and finishing my financial aid applications. sharing food and fellowship at my church's Community Nights and YWAM's potlucks. getting to chat for a few minutes last night with a friend that i miss muchly. watching "The Office" and laughing at and quoting it with my housemates. eating free doughnuts. writing in my new journal. being content right now...it's good. God is good. i hope i never stop realizing this...

garlic cheese biscuits...mmm!
playing scrabble with Krista and Hannah...
note some of the weird words we came up with
Joshua and Sylvie
doughnuts!
journaling outside in the sun

what a day!

we at YWAM Vancouver had a pretty monumental day, hearing after 2 years and many meetings with the city and our opposing neighbors, that we would not be able to re-zone the building that we have seen God so miraculously provide for. we'll be putting it up for sale tomorrow and continuing to trust God to provide His best for us, no matter what this looks like tangibly.
and then, tonight i got an email informing me that i have been accepted to Kuyper College for the Fall 2009 session. YAY!
what a day of sobering and exciting news! and through it all, God is so faithful.
last night, i was listening to my mp3 player, and "Faithful," by Brooke Fraser came on. here is the chorus that hit me (well, not literally):

when i can't feel you, i have learned to reach out just the same/ when i can't hear you, i know you still hear every word i pray/ and i want you more than i want to live another day/ and as i wait for you maybe i'm made more faithful

ah, that last line is a kicker! shouldn't that be my goal? to grow in faithfulness as i seek and wait? *sigh* easier said than done.
i could go on and on, but i'd rather try to collect my thoughts first than put words to them only as i write.
it's been a good day, a blessed week. God is good and faithful.
AMEN.

afternoon delight...

This sunny Sunday afternoon has done me good. I was beginning to succumb to my hermit-like tendencies until -alas!- the sun made its appearance today. Sigh…’twas good.
I headed to church on my bike this morning, with Jen on my left and Dan (both housemates) on my right. And I’m pleased (yet feeling slightly sympathetic) to say that my rickety ol’ bike was the only one of the three that did not propel their rider from its seat. Good job, still unnamed bike!
Church was good. So good for my soul. There is definitely a lot to be said about worshiping in a community of believers. I <3 it. And then, after arriving home and puttering about for awhile, I went for a journey around the block at golden hour, experimenting with this new camera of mine. I hope that you enjoy the product of its work...
It was a blessed day!

...on a jet plane...

[i wrote this on the plane ride from Vancouver to Toronto today...]

here i am, sitting on a plane, willing it to get to Toronto, the next short season in my life, faster.

i feel like the plane, heading to one place from another, in between. i’m pondering memories of this last fall and the blessing of friends in Vancouver, as well as getting really excited to spend the holidays with my precious family and to rest. and i’m afraid that the former may effect how well i engage the latter.

someone once said, “wherever you go, there you are.” i like it and it should be/needs to be true for me right now. i want to be fully present where I am today, not willingly lost in remembering yesterday and anticipating tomorrow. and I guess, right now this means me leaving/ arriving on a jet plane, reflecting on where i am right now.

sigh…life.

end of November=December=Christmas and more...

wow...November 2008 ends in less than an hour.
where have the first 11 months of this year gone? only one more to go? this is lunacy! i am becoming more and more of an avid supporter of my stance that time speeds up as i grow older. the years go by faster as i age, i'm sure.
and as i head into December, my day planner has filled up faster than a plate is filled by a glutton at a buffet. i am thoroughly convinced that the world believes that the whole month of December equals Christmas. and maybe my schedule betrays the fact that i too am succumbing to this idea...
but, i'm not here today to write about how we have taken the "Christ" out of "Christmas" or whatever. maybe some other time. i'm actually not quite sure with what purpose i came to write today. maybe i just wanted to tame my mind by putting some of the thoughts that are bouncing around down...maybe i just wanted to be heard, as i sit alone in a house with 3 sleeping childfolk... maybe i wanted to document the fact that i do actually think and have thoughts as evidence for the times when it appears that i seldom do...
i wish i could really capture all that has happened/ is happening in my life. so many emotions and thoughts and joys and fears. new perspectives and now i'm just trying to figure out how to live and breathe through them. but how do i take the first step when i feel limited by myself and my circumstances? how do i live abundantly when i have boundaries in the areas i want to grow in? do i just try to grow around them?
what are the answers to my life?
bueller? bueller?
i think i may have some of the answers to these questions or at least know where i can find them. thanks for hearing me ramble on.
and don't think that this will be the end of it...

chocolate chip cookies and life.

right now, i'm making a couple of batches of chocolate chip cookies for breaks for our DTS. i am also trying to figure out my life. i know, i know, these are two activities that are so likely to be paired together...

what am i supposed to do with this life that has been so generously granted to me? i feel like i am in high school all over again, feeling the pressure of the impending decisions that i need to make. and desperately not wanting to mess it all up.
i want to hold this life, my life with open hands and be a good steward of it, but what does this actually look like? what does this mean for February and beyond? and what about a year from now? is school the right move? i'm having selfdoubts that i'll be able to jump right back in, after almost 4 years out of the academic life. and what do i want to learn? there is just so much to discover! and i want to do it all...
i think that i might be falling back into the dangerous area of being so afraid to make a move for fear that it is the "wrong" direction, that i don't even trust God to lead and guide me...
oh God, help me to trust You where you are taking me, right here, right now.

cookies call. this little post has been cathartic. thanks.
and please pray for me...

the sock monkey story...

so, as much as it seems that this story has been told and retold to its death, i realize that it really hasn't traveled much further than the city limits of Vancouver. thus, "the sock monkey story" is about to be told yet again...

(plus, it's high time that i share a humorous -i hope- tidbit of my life instead of always pensively yammering on about the perplexities of life. high time.)

on Saturday evening, i was out for a walk to get some coffee with a close friend, when a man sitting outside one of the coffee shops politely asked the time as we passed by. i gave him a prompt answer and we carried on. not 3 seconds later, as we reached a bus stop, another man posed a question. confident after assisting the coffee man, i was ready to save the day with yet another quick answer. but this man asked a question that i wasn't sure i wanted to answer. in his drunken state, he lifted up his keychained sock monkey and asked,

"can you show me how to spank the monkey?"

a little taken aback by his candor, i did what all good friends would do in the same situation. after a pause and a little giggle, i referred the bus stop man to my friend for his answer.

this is kinda what the little guy looked like.
i mean, the keychained sock monkey, not the bus stop man or coffee man or my friend, when she was mad at me.

i want to write but i don't know what...

life. it's crazy (i always say this, don't i? i need to find more words...) and beautiful at the same time.

this week in DTS land, we're learning about justice and what it looks like in the world today. it's so scary, yet exciting. i mean, it's great to hear stories of how others are reconciling the world to truth, but where do i fit in? i know that God calls me to be a bringer of justice, but how can i if i'm struggling with even having a heart for it, for others?
our speaker said something interesting today:
we love out of our own needs. we love because we need love.
this is so true. i don't know if i would care so much about people if i knew they couldn't or wouldn't love me back...
i'm not really sure how to proceed from this thought, so i'm going to leave it here for now...

dear Vancouver,

i am writing you to inform you that i am a bit perturbed with you.
over the last few weeks, you have been throwing me off-guard with your moody weather habits.
one minute, it's sharp and cold, yet sunny. and then, before you (or i) know it, the heavens part to release more precipitation than is in most oceans.
really, it's a bit much. and i'm not ready for it. no raincoat (that i like). no umbrella (it got lost this past spring). only some Zellers boots that are less than comfortable. yet, they are highly functionable, and for this, i am thankful.
case in point: one very rainy morning this week (i believe that it was Tuesday), i donned my rain apparel: some handmedown "outdoor" (NOT waterproof) pants, a spring jacket and my bag under a clear plastic poncho, my helmet, and my afore-mentioned rainboots. as i pulled out of my back alley and onto the bike path on my bike headed to work and ready (or so i thought) to face the weather, a fellow biker pulled up beside me, commenting on my amazing rain gear. i muttered something about making do with what i had and wished him a nice day, purposely slowing down, so that he would pass me and go about biking in his snazzy matching waterproof spandex pants, uber waterproof jacket, and shoes that attach to his bike pedals. thankfully, he took my hint.
Vancouver, not only are you soaking me, you are allowing me to be embarrassed. meany!
this is my main complaint for now.
thank you for your time,
Rebecca

oh life...

oh life...
it feels like my life is just whizzing past me at the speed of light right now. i'm trying to grasp onto something, anything that is stable so that i can find my place again, but it feels nearly impossible.
i just came back home from 2 weeks away (i was staying at my pastors' house with 2 of our DTS students while T and J were away on a missions trip), including a week in Kelowna for the YWAM GO Conference. and so much has happened. it feels like the whole world is a new place. or maybe i'm just viewing it through different eyes. and yet, i don't feel like i've really grasped these changes at all.
oh, i could write a book right now, just trying to document/figure out what i have learned/am learning! but i can't. no time. i'm on a schedule. things to do. people to see. cards to write. gifts to send. party at my house tonight. sigh...when will the madness stop? i.need.to.breathe...

one morning this week, i felt like God wanted me to awake early and see the sunrise. it was one of the most incredible things ever. thanks, God. You are good.


i live for moments like these. a time where i can reflect on the "now" and how blessed i am to be alive and here.
sigh...