oh, what to write?

that day has rolled around once again. the day when my overwhelming guilt of establishing a blogspot and telling you that i'll be regularly posting and then leaving it dormant for a month at a time, so now i should write something just to quench your thirst for another month, day.
sigh. i really want to write something that will make you laugh or really just sit still and think, but i just don't know what to say. [there's a first, eh?] often, my deep and profound moments of thought are also inconvenient ones. they often occur when i'm riding my bike or in the shower, and i just cannot put my thoughts down before they leave my head.
as i write, i'm sitting outside on my covered porch during my favorite time of the day: golden hour. it's such a romantic time. i'm sipping my coke and vanilla extract beverage (no really, it's tastier than it sounds! and it's as close as i can get to vanilla coke...) and listening to some great music (check out Ingrid Michaelson's "the hat"). the day is beautiful and there is even the smell of freshly clean laundry in the air. yet, i feel so scattered.
i thought that this would be a perfect weekend. one of calmness (rest and reflection) before the storm (DTS+life) hit. but it's been a weird one. i don't even know how to describe it. it just is what it is.
and i guess i've been feeling really insecure lately. knowing that i'm an insecure leader and wanting to grow in this during this upcoming season. feeling and being awkward around people lately. not wanting to welcome new people in. wanting to grow in creativity, yet doubting my ability. anticipating my future with confidence and doubt at the same time. wanting deeper relationships, but not offering them to others. wondering all the time how people perceive me. do they laugh at and judge my faults? i know i do this. it's just so humbling feeling so awkward. and maybe that's what i need right now. humility. and grace, knowing that God loves me all the same, regardless of my awareness of self.
i hate that i feel i always have to come to a conclusion about where i am at. sometimes there are no answers to questions, yet i always feel the need to find one. and i think that some questions are meant to stay as such for awhile, until God reveals His purpose in them.
deep breath.
this is where i am now. reflecting life, all the while knowing that i'm in a new season of growth and becoming. and i take such great comfort in this. God is good. all the time. all the time. God is good.
amen.