here i am again.

hey there.
as too often said, it's been awhile.
and yet, here i am again. i was never gone, but i just was not here.

as i sit here, in this comfy leather chair, slippered feet resting on the coffee table, and with soft Christmas music in my ears, i know again that life is good. not that i often question this, but these moments of solitude and reflection are good for my sometimes too busy soul.

it's been an interesting 2+ months. busyness and loneliness and....wondering how it would be ok. but i think i'm finally settling in a bit more to this new environment. making friends, becoming involved, seeking God and finding Him in so much. so much. it's good. i think i'm learning, day after day, what it looks like to be content. content in a way of trusting and knowing God's grace in such tangible ways. and yet, still seeking to know more.

sigh. and there is so much more to know. just when i think i have it figured out, i discover how much i actually don't. it's humbling. i need this. and yet, i find myself wondering when it all will make sense. funny...

anyways. it's time to go for a bike ride. it's too nice outside not to.
peace out, boy and girls scouts...

"and yet" + life

it's time to write again, to empty my head of some stuff.

first off, "and yet."
what a special combination of 2 three letter words!
in my scholarly readings of late, i have come across "and yet" a few times -once in a reading for intro to music, another in the memoir i was reading for English. and i love them. let me tell you why.
these two words symbolize a turning away from previous thought, a submitting to new possibilities. and there is hope in them. i love this, especially from where i sit right now.

wow. i feel so much. so many "emotions." torn between investing into new things elsewhere. a country away, actually. struggling through it and loving it, all at once. and yet, i want and know i need to invest into the right here, where i am physically, not only where alot of my heart resides. and so, the dilemma of the balance -and is it supposed to be an equal one?- ensues.
i guess i should feel so blessed to love and be loved, all over this deep and wide continent. and i do. and yet, sometimes my heart hurts from being so stretched. it's almost unbearable sometimes.
this is me right now, my reality. figuring out how to be, who to be, who i am becoming in the chaos of it all. it's so rich and good, even if it hurts.
and i keep on coming back to the truth of all things: God is so good. it is His kindness that leads us to repentance and relationship with Him. when i am weak, He is strong. isn't He great?

(this is Henry -i think-, a little something i made for a little someone special.)

settling in...

wow. i can't believe that it's already been only 3+ weeks since i packed up my earthly belongings and headed east to Grand Rapids. in some ways, it feels like a lifetime ago. and yet, i know the adventure has just begun. in so many ways.

these days, life consists mostly of school and the work that goes along with all that jazz. and it's good and meaningful. oh, i love learning and the classes i'm in this semester! the discussions and the opening of my eyes to so much truth is refreshing. however, i'm trying to make intentional decisions and realizations that life should also contain the balance of meaningful relationships and other life giving things. like sending mail. keeping in touch across the many miles. doing my devotions. knitting. biking, just for the sake of biking. playing with the cousins and spending time with my family here. listening to someone, even when i'm urgent to get that next assignment out of the way.

so, i've been making some friends here. a couple at the church i'm hoping to attend consistently. some at Kuyper. and even finding friends in family. and it's good. i know i'm blessed. God is so faithful.

so, this is where i sit today. knowing that i'm where i should be, even if my heart and body sometimes long to be elsewhere. and thankful that i can see the blessings from where i sit today, knowing that i may need to be reminded tomorrow of God's hand in this.

...and she's back!

wow. it's been awhile.

after what turned out to be a summer sabbatical from posting on this blog, i have returned. yet, as i sit here sipping hot chocolate and listening to Sigur Ros in the sunroom of my aunt and uncle's home in East Grand Rapids, i wonder where to begin. and so many questions fill my mind. "will i even remember how to do this? will anyone ever read this again, after the likely severe disappointment of not being able to feast their eyes on my humble thoughts for so long?"

don't get me wrong, there was many a time over the last few months when i wanted nothing more than to process the ongoing going ons of this life of mine. a lot has taken place since i last posted. let me give you a bit of a synopsis: moved out of my home of 2 years into my pastors' home; flew away from Vancouver 5 weeks later, leaving many relationships and memories behind, but taking so much in the way of personal growth and life lessons; worked on the family farm for 1.5 months, juggling being a bridesmaid in my cousin's wedding and hosting some amazing people visiting me in NS; packed up and moved to Michigan and am now looking forward to this next year of school, living with some pretty cool family of mine, and growing into what God has for me. yes.

so, this is where i am now. anticipating the future with a mixture of excitement/ fear of the unknown and expectation that God will be faithful throughout yet another season of this life. it's a good place to be -feeling somewhat out of control but able to turn to the One who holds it all in the palm of His hand. it's good.

i hope to write more as i journey this, but for now i'll just leave you with a picture, in case you forgot what i looked like...

mayhem.

i just came home a bit ago to discover 2 strange men building a fence in the backyard (the new tenants as of June), 2 roommates, a sister and cousin of one roommate, the fiancee of the other, and random furniture EVERYWHERE. all under the same roof.
so. many. people. and their stuff.
hence, i've locked myself in my room. i'm such an introvert.
there is just so much going on right now. so many emotions and changes and...everything. friend leaving for Germany this week. moving out in less than a week -the end of 2 full years of living in this house with some pretty amazing people- and going our separate ways. friend coming from Germany on Sunday eve. leaving YWAM and trying to finish well. heading back to NS in a month and a bit, thus leaving Vancouver and its quite lovable people behind. not being sure of what lies after the summer of milking those cows twice a day.
so. much.
and, i don't know how to handle it all. i just feel like locking myself in my room. oh, wait...i did that already. but really. how do i do this?
sigh. so much, but i don't think it's too much...
somewhere, in the midst of this mayhem, i find peace. the peace that passes all understanding (down in my heart. where? down in my heart.).
and it's ok.
it will be ok.

i love...

...lilacs on my kitchen table. hoods. scarves. pockets...in everything. deep conversations with good friends. laughing. discovering who i am supposed to be. "golden hour." biking home from work. cooking dinner for those i love. finding the perfect gift for a friend. making cards. being creative when i didn't know i had it in me. reading a compelling book. singing. what i do every day. watching "The Office" with my housemates. talking on skype with faraway friends. sleeping. when God reveals something new to me. roadtrips. weddings. summer. taking good pictures. writing things down. life. babies. joy. hope. grace. a good cry. coffee in the morning. finding friends in strangers. hearing the stories of others. numbers and sudokus. stupid jokes. hearing a song that fits the moment.

right now...

the Bokmas in BC

as many of you know, British Columbia was graced with the visiting presence of George (aka Dad), Luanne (aka Mom), and Sara (aka sister friend) Bokma in the month of April. oh yes, good times were had.
the threesome arrived by plane on a sunny, yet chilly Good Friday (aka the 28th wedding anniversary of my parents) and the week flew by until Bad Friday, when they left by the same means of transportation. it was sad. but, let's focus on the days in between!
during those 7 days, we managed to paint Vancouver red (not really, it's just a saying...), as well as head to Vancouver Island to explore its many sights (Victoria, Chemainus, Nanaimo, Parksville, Quallicum Beach (and falls!), Coombs, Cathedral Grove, and Port Alberni, to name a few!) it was wonderful to share a bit of my life with them and to make some lasting memories with these loved-ones, if only for a few days.
let's look at some pictures to give you a better picture (:D) of it all!

the good ol' Commercial Drive, where the magic happens...

they are eating with chopsticks! it's a good day, even though Mom swiftly moved to the fork after the photo was taken...

fun times at Lynn Canyon, my tourist hot spot staple!

one of my favorite memories of our time together. it was a clear Sunday night after a typical rainy Vancouver day. in the afternoon, we had gone to our home to nap, and woke up and went to Stanley Park to find this beautiful scene.

4/9ths of the Bokma family in front of the parliment buildings in Victoria. too bad they were closed for tours!

sister time!

cherry blossoms! i'm going to miss these first signs of spring next year...

ferry ride back to Vancouver from Nanaimo (we totally bought Nanaimo bars in Nanaimo and ate them on the ferry!). what a beautiful day!

Mom and i. aren't we cute?

Shannon Falls in Squamish. Sara and i were tired of driving, getting out, and driving again, so we stayed in the car until Dad came running, exclaiming the beauty of this place. he was right. it was positively spectacular!

*if these aren't enough pictures for your viewing pleasure, please make your way to either NS or BC where one of the 3 ladies will be happy to share countless (i'm guessing hundreds) other memories capture on film and in our hearts. thank you, and have a great day!

becoming.

as always, where to begin?
it's been one of "those" days. just lazing around the house, puttering about, talking with friends, but not getting much done. and this is difficult for someone who gauges the success of her day by what she finishes. i know, it's only 4PM, but the day is steadily slipping away from me. and once again, my fear of being out of control is controlling me. sigh...
it's on days like these that hopelessness and insecurity reign. my idle mind wanders, and i find myself lost. ravaged by emotions and doubts, i crumble in a heap. who am i? where am i going? why is it so hard?
yet, in this seeming hopelessness, i also find myself found. Someone is pursuing me and watering the seeds He has planted. He is growing me, i am becoming, and there IS hope.
i am His, and He is mine. delightful.

seasons.

this one has been percolating (like good coffee, i hope!) inside of me for awhile, but i guess i felt that i didn't have the time or words to put these thoughts of mine down. until now, when i should be doing some work, but just can't think past these thoughts that are ready to emerge. i'm due for a break anyway. here we go...

sigh. life is...so many things! i feel like i'm beginning to discover so many new things about myself in this time. and it's not all fun. discovering that i hate not feeling in control of things and beginning to shut down when i find myself in this position. realizing that in an effort to anticipate (and often stress about!) future plans, i'm missing out on relationships and experiences right in front of me. i regret this. wondering if, with the new changes that are coming my way, i'll find myself to be flexible in adapting to or rebellious in accepting what i have signed up for. i pray for God's grace and hope in this time, and the one to come. oh, and i'm uber emotional all the time. yay. [well, i guess i'd rather be in touch with my emotions right now, than have a cold heart of stone. but, my crying outbursts are beginning to tire me out...literally. like, right now.]

yeah, i just don't know. i'm at that point again, seeking direction and hoping that i'm going in the right one. needing to hear from God and to trust Him, really trust that He has gone before me and is leading me well. but sometimes, it's so hard to take that first and second step of obedience. i want to walk on that water, but i have to step out of the boat, as someone once wisely wrote.

sigh. but why does it have to be so difficult? why can't i just see a glimpse of how it will turn out? oh, i need to learn trust.

Psalm 23

...He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul...

beautiful day (Sunday's musings).

i <3 Sundays.
they are quite possibly the best day of the week. to me, this sunny day has a warm glow of life and community and joy to it. sigh. it's the best.
as i sip my freshly ground and brewed coffee and pick at my banana bread, the product of one of my domestic housemates, i feel so content and...blessed to live this life.
as i stood in church this morning at the close of the service, i realized how much i love the benediction/ parting blessing. so, i will leave you with these words that have blessed the beginning of my week and this beautiful day.

²⁵ Now to him who is able to establish (& strengthen!) you by my gospel and the proclamation of Jesus Christ, according to the revelation of the mystery hidden for long ages past, ²⁶ but now revealed and made known through the prophetic writings by the command of the eternal God, so that all nations might believe and obey him— ²⁷ to the only wise God be glory forever through Jesus Christ! Amen.

sigh...

this is it. this is my life. right here, right now. it's not waiting for me as i wait for it, for something big to happen to signal a new chapter or season. it just takes place every day, whether i'm ready or not. it just is.
i just came back from a walk to London Drugs and the bank to get some money and random things. well, my intention was just to get some pictures developed, but i walked out with a Coke, a Snickers bar, a gluestick, and an Arizona Red Apple Green Tea. oh, the things i buy when i'm in this mood...
i really enjoy getting out of the house on nights like this. there is a mist in the air as little rain droplets fall from the sky. believe it or not, i'll miss the moody rain habits of this unpredictable city. i'm forced to pull those all-too-easily-distracting-mp3-earbuds out of my ears as this precipitation pitter patters on the healthy green shrubs as i walk by in the dark. friendly piano music somehow escapes the well-gated and ominous Helen's grocery store, and i begin to think that Helen and i would be friends, if only we knew each other, if only i could work up the nerve to not be scared of the self-spun myths of her stealing small children to sell the small clothes hanging on her fence. a neighbor smiles as he climbs into his car, as another yells at his smoke alarm that has gone off yet again. oh, i'll miss this neighborhood.
this is my life, and i don't want to miss it. as it happens, i want to be there, here, experiencing it and living it.
oh, i'm beginning to sound like the sappy country song i'm listening to, as i type this out in the cozy kitchen with two of my roommates...sigh. life.

today.

today, i love my life.
as i bike in the early morning to the job i love, i ride towards the big, bright, blue mountains for which Vancouver is named one of the most b-e-a-utiful cities on this earth. as i work, i feel purposeful and as if what i am doing matters and makes a difference. as i head home, i am blessed to see the sun set on Vancouver, casting warm shadows.
today, i love my life.

an afternoon with Soph and Ella.

(when i asked her to pose cutely, Sophia went and grabbed her doll

and then had her doll hold a baby...)

it has been another joyous day!
i had the pleasure of spending the afternoon with the little Pallister ladies, and we were blessed with another sunny Vancouver day.
i think one of my favorite parts of the day was when, at lunch, Sophia all of a sudden got really serious. then she piped up and exclaimed, "Reba, i have something to tell you! God just gave me a message. He wants me to tell you that He loves you...and He loves me too!" isn't that the best? i felt so blessed to be reminded of this by such an insightful 4 year old.

what a nice sister shot! this is actually Eleanor's attempt at a smile and not a grimace...

no, i do not eat children. this was an attempt at re-enacting funny pictures that Sophia and i took together when i first moved here and was babysitting her once.

and then Eleanor attacked me. oh, we had fun!

gifts.

so, i've decided that God is pretty much the best gift-giver in the whole world.
i've been having a hard time of just reflecting on and embracing what's been happening in my life lately. desperately wanting to feel something, anything towards all that has taken place in the last week. going so far as to wish for the deeply emotional times of feeling intense pain, just so that i could also experience joy again.
but just now, as i sat outside, drawn there by the sun casting warm shadows and my need to process in some way, i was overwhelmed by God's gifts/grace in my life. let me name a few:
discovering a delicious recipe and succeeding, with the help of Ms. Betty Crocker and Mr. Bis Quick. receiving a beautiful journal and card from my brother and sister, being blessed by God through them. getting a new job that came together in less than 8 hours. experiencing coffee, good times, and friendship with roommates. having a week between ending my YWAM commitment and beginning my new job. getting to play with kids for work. witnessing a beautiful week in the midst of Vancouver winter. being able to trust that His ways are good and not feeling devastated on Tuesday that we didn't get the re-zoning for the YWAM building. getting accepted into college and finishing my financial aid applications. sharing food and fellowship at my church's Community Nights and YWAM's potlucks. getting to chat for a few minutes last night with a friend that i miss muchly. watching "The Office" and laughing at and quoting it with my housemates. eating free doughnuts. writing in my new journal. being content right now...it's good. God is good. i hope i never stop realizing this...

garlic cheese biscuits...mmm!
playing scrabble with Krista and Hannah...
note some of the weird words we came up with
Joshua and Sylvie
doughnuts!
journaling outside in the sun

what a day!

we at YWAM Vancouver had a pretty monumental day, hearing after 2 years and many meetings with the city and our opposing neighbors, that we would not be able to re-zone the building that we have seen God so miraculously provide for. we'll be putting it up for sale tomorrow and continuing to trust God to provide His best for us, no matter what this looks like tangibly.
and then, tonight i got an email informing me that i have been accepted to Kuyper College for the Fall 2009 session. YAY!
what a day of sobering and exciting news! and through it all, God is so faithful.
last night, i was listening to my mp3 player, and "Faithful," by Brooke Fraser came on. here is the chorus that hit me (well, not literally):

when i can't feel you, i have learned to reach out just the same/ when i can't hear you, i know you still hear every word i pray/ and i want you more than i want to live another day/ and as i wait for you maybe i'm made more faithful

ah, that last line is a kicker! shouldn't that be my goal? to grow in faithfulness as i seek and wait? *sigh* easier said than done.
i could go on and on, but i'd rather try to collect my thoughts first than put words to them only as i write.
it's been a good day, a blessed week. God is good and faithful.
AMEN.

afternoon delight...

This sunny Sunday afternoon has done me good. I was beginning to succumb to my hermit-like tendencies until -alas!- the sun made its appearance today. Sigh…’twas good.
I headed to church on my bike this morning, with Jen on my left and Dan (both housemates) on my right. And I’m pleased (yet feeling slightly sympathetic) to say that my rickety ol’ bike was the only one of the three that did not propel their rider from its seat. Good job, still unnamed bike!
Church was good. So good for my soul. There is definitely a lot to be said about worshiping in a community of believers. I <3 it. And then, after arriving home and puttering about for awhile, I went for a journey around the block at golden hour, experimenting with this new camera of mine. I hope that you enjoy the product of its work...
It was a blessed day!