AMAZING.

yes. yes, He is. this past week was an interesting one. challenging, to put it into one word. but Friday night was so amazing. God really showed up and showed me His raw and awesome power. i don't really want to go into it all, but i was really struggling with some issues and was basically having a pity party for myself all week, and then God broke me, just a crack, and so much healing took place in just one night. i know this is quite bare in details, so if you have a burning desire to know more, please ask. but that's all i'll go into about that for now.
and then Saturday. what a day! what a blessing. let me lay it out for you. so, T. Connie, Laura, and i headed up to Moncton in the AM to check out ABU, a really neat Christian university that Laura may attend next fall. and the guy who gave us the tour went to Providence College in Otterburne (the smallest village in Canada, i'm sure) a couple of years back. so, that was an unexpected surprise. we then headed to drop T. Connie off at the warehouse where the kids were doing up the Operation Christmas Child boxes, and then shopping. at this point in the story, i just want to reflect on how blessed i have been to hang out with Laura so much this past fall. she is the youngest member of "the 4 Bokma girls" (the twins and two cousins that were born within 6 months of each other. Melissa, mentioned in the previous blog, is the oldest.). when we were younger, Rachel and Laura favored each other, whereas Melissa and i were a bit closer. but it has been so good to be more of an intentional part of each other's lives these past few months. and she has assured me that Rachel and i are about equal in her books now. :D. moving right along, we headed on our little adventure, taking time to truly discover the booming metropolis of Moncton, NB. but i'm being a bit sarcastic there. it's not so big. we hit up the mall, did some shopping and got a bite to eat. and we couldn't pass up a stop at the local Timmy Ho's for an icecap. after that, we headed to the huge Moncton Weslyan church for 6 PM, because that was when we were supposed to meet up with our intervarsity group for the Living Christmas Tree production that night, even though it didn't really start until 7:30. of course, they didn't get there until a bit after 7, but that's ok, because the story gets a bit more interesting here. while waiting for the group, we had this random conversation with this woman named Joanne, a member of the afore mentioned church, about things such as epilepsy, and consequently not being able to have kids, the transit system of Moncton, basketball and Oxford, knitting, and the like. really, the list goes on. but the best part of the night was when this one girl walked into the church, and i thought to myself, "i know her!" she was a girl that i went to Providence with last year. Providence is in Manitoba. i live in Nova Scotia, but was in Moncton for less than a day. and here Julie was. so, i ran up to her and we reunited and it was beautiful. she had actually only gone to Prov for less than a week, but then her and her friend had gone back home, so i was curious about her friend Lindsay too. she told me that Lindsay was in the production that night. so, we went down and saw her again. and another lovely reunion was had. it was so cool to see them again! man, i love "coincidences" like that...and the Living Christmas Tree was beautiful too.
and that is my little big story about my blessed weekend.

so...

it's almost December. crazy, eh? i can remember when it was only nearing the end of September, and i was moaning and groaning, "is it Christmas yet?" in lieu of my melancholy of not being away from home and missing my far away friends. and now, months have passed, and that "most wonderful time of the year" is right around the corner. where did October and November go? hmm.... but it's good. it's been a solid fall, now approaching winter. i think it's so cool (and really SO necessary) to look back and just realize how God has provided over the last while. and i don't even realize or look for it 99% of the time. [but why should i have to make the effort to look for it, when it is right in front of me? i am just so blind sometimes...] sad, but so true. i focus on ME all of the time, and it's not about me. at all. a wise man (Rob Bell of the Nooma video series...SO good. check them out sometime!) once said, "MY world is not THE world." just think about that. and apply it. often. but alot of the time, it is just a whole lot easier and more comfortable not to... ok. so Melissa just requested that i be a bit more lighthearted. i guess i do go deep more often than not. but, i guess that is just a reflection of my need to go below the surface, to go beyond the shallowness of this world. whatever. here i go at not being so introspective.
i am SO excited for Christmas! a resounding "yay" for family coming home, quitting work on December 20 [wow, that sounds so negative. i don't really like to see it as "quitting" persay, but just leaving and not coming back. yeah, that's a nicer phrase, a great euphemism, if you will. yay for that Critical Thinking course in college last year! i DID learn something...ok, so maybe just that word. but still.], hoping to move on to Vancouver soon. i need to get going on that. someone just kick me every so often to make sure that i am. but, oh the joys of the season! spending time, not spending money. or making it. just being. not only doing. enjoying life. loving it. and people. going skating, sledding, getting cold and then drinking a cup of hot chocolate. staying up late at night, when all of the unexpected/great conversations happen. getting dressed up and going out for dinner. catching up. yeah, i'm uber stoked. oh yeah, and remembering the true reason of the season...and why was that the last "joy of the season" on my list? ok, i'm not going to go into how horrible of a person i am for doing that. but it IS good to look at my priorities...
ok, so maybe that wasn't my strongest attempt at being cheerful and not so melancholy. sorry guys. sorry Melissa for this disappointment. meh. why does everything i say turn into a lesson? it's slightly humorous, i guess. maybe i shouldn't be so hard on myself [?]. i don't know. but i guess it is good to be aware...
and i thought i had nothing to write about...
yeah. so i guess i've come to the conclusion that life is good. not easy. but good. not all rainbows and butterflies and lollipops and smiley faces. but good. and that's a good conclusion to come to. i'm at a certain place in my life, and i think that's where God has me. actually, i'm pretty sure that He wanted me to learn some crazy hard/awesome stuff this fall. and that's a good feeling to have. to be content in Him. to know that He, the CREATOR of the world, is working in me, no matter how subtle this transformation is. and gross. did i mention how gross it is to feel so broken? yeah, it is. but there is beauty in the broken. yeah, there is. somewhere there is. at least He thinks so. and that's pretty much all that matters. yay God! did i mention that i love You? (insert huge smiley face)...
ok. so perhaps i should be done stealing Mel's computer. a big shoutout to her for being so generous in letting my take it over. and i WILL attach a pic of you, girl, for the viewing pleasure of all those people that look at this. but first, let me tell you about Melissa. she is pretty awesome. yep, i love her. she was one of my best friends growing up, and we're still pretty tight. we may be cousins, but i always considered us friends first. she is a solid girl, with great morals and a delightful sense of humor. basically, i really appreciate her always laughing at my not-so-funny jokes. thanks, Melissa for being a great friend throughout the years...
ok, so this is me signing off, for yet another week (or maybe two...). have a good one...
did i mention i love Sundays?

life in the times of me

wow. it's been a solid two weeks since i've last posted. and i feel as if i should apologize for this misdeed. but i'm not going to. so, sorry for not apologizing for not writing.
so, life has been pretty routine lately. not too much is going on. working alot. which is good. and i'm not sure if you all know, but i have been attending the Christian intervarsity group at the AC, where my cousin Laura goes to school. that has been really cool. something to look forward to every week. something that i can get dressed up to go to, not donning my usual uniform. yeah, it's a good feeling. and the first pic is of us bowling in Bible Hill a couple of weeks ago.
however, last week i missed our meeting, as i was too caught up surprising my sister in Hamilton, ON with a visit for the weekend. yeah, it was a blast! [i thought you might be wondering why we are in some pictures together...] in the first picture, we are drinking Starbucks Christmas drinks, a real treat for the both of us. yeah, that was a great bonding experience, also involving random trips to Danier, breaking out into our randomly awesome dance moves in Jack Aster's parking lot, and just catching up. and the next snapshot involves a third party, Jessie, a friend of Rachel's rad doormate, Em J, as we are trying on some crazy cool accessories at Winners [sorry for totally blocking you out there, Rach!]. yeah, it was a great weekend. i really enjoyed getting to know her friends/people in her life. as well, i really treasured the stolen moments that i spent with siblings while there. it was so neat to reflect on the past and to be excited about the future, as we fellowshipped over dinner at Ben and Karmyn's on Sunday night. we are all so grown up! good times, indeed. a nice vaca from work and consistent "normalcy"...
but, now i'm back. back into the everyday grind of life. back to being a daughter and worker and not just a sister and friend. back to that all. and it's a good thing. there is a time for everything, and now is the time for this.
and that's where i end for today.

[some lame title...]

ok, so where do i start? so much has happened since i last posted, and it's going to be impossible for me to write and for you to read it all, yet here i go...(in no apparent order)
i would first and foremost like to send a big thanks to my pal, Sir Sanford Fleming. forgive me if i'm wrong, but i'm pretty sure that this beautiful Canadian man created a little thing i like to call timezones. and along with this lovely invention, a little phrase known as "spring forward, fall back." yes, my friends, i'm talking about setting back clocks, watches, and all other time keeping machines. thank you, Sir Fleming, for that much-needed extra hour of sleep last night.
ok, but enough with all this tomfoolery.
it has been a good week. it was fun, once again, to spend time with Morgan, the little girl my mom babysits. at this point in time, i would like to share a story about her with some pictures i have of our day together (please see the above pics starting from top to bottom): 1) we get Morgan excited by asking her where the kittens are, and her face is pulled into this adorable little expression 2) we go visit the kittens, and she is in her glory 3) the girls are "in da hood" (i seem to like to pull that face alot, hey?) 4) Morgan is so tired, she falls asleep in my arms, in a somewhat awkward position.
yeah, that day was a blast.
on Sunday night, my friend Drew surprised us all and came home from AB, the land that steals all of our bright, young people (i say that jokingly, yet with a sad air of truth). it was good to see him again and to catch up a bit.
i finally finished my support raising letter. and i sent some out. yes friends, i am soon heading west for the fair land of British Columbia to be a part of the staff with YWAM Vancouver. it's exciting/scary/"what the heck am i doing?"/all of the emotions i never knew i had. yeah. if you want to know answers, ask questions. i really don't know what more to say unless i am asked...plus, i want people to be curious about it all...yeah.
and i am once again discovering some ugly, messy truths about myself. it aint pretty, but it's good. i mean, it's good to learn these things, so that i can change them (or be changed by them or through them by Someone else...) or attempt to or whatever. yeah. but i hate all that crap that is me. all the messy stuff that makes me who am, all that sinfulness. and the funny thing is that what i am talking about is how i hate how perfect i portray myself to be lately. i make it look like i have it all together, all the right answers to all the questions one could ever have. all those goody Christian one liners. argh. all this pride. i hate it. i hate how i feel so pushed to be perfect, when all i want is to be. to be who i am, not what i want others to see me as. to be who God has created me to be, and who He is working on. argh. frustration. and this is turning into my journal. i need to stop here. but once again, if you want answers, ask questions.
well, i'm off to starting another exciting week. who knows what this one will hold? and i guess that's the thrill of it. the surprise. yeah...

week cap...

yay... i have two days off. and one is a Sunday! score.
well, life has been...well, it's life. and i don't say that in a bad way, with any negative connotations whatsoever. it's good. i've been realizing alot. and that's always a good thing.
like, "hey! why do i get so miserable when i miss my far away friends (aka my faf)? i should be so happy that i have been so blessed to know all of these wonderful people. they have all played a hugely positive part in my life, so why should that make me sad?" yeah, simple/silly revelations, yet so important and true. and how i need to grasp such gems of truth with both hands. (by the way, the first picture is of my closest friends at Providence, and the second, my other sistersandbrother/YWAM team, pre-China trip (minus Norwalkvirusstricken Hannah)...man, i love these people!)
moving on, i was reading My Utmost For His Highest (a daily devo) today, and it really spoke to me. please indulge me as i share a bit by my friend Ozzy (aka Oswald Chambers):
discipleship is built entirely on the supernatural grace of God. walking on water is easy to someone with impulsive boldness, but walking on dry land as a disciple of Jesus Christ is something altogether different...we do not need the grace of God to withstand crises -- human nature and pride are sufficient for us to face the stress and strain magnificently. but it does require the supernatural grace of God to live twenty-four hours of every day as a saint, going through drudgery, and living an ordinary, unnoticed, and ignored existence as a disciple of Jesus. it is ingrained in us that we have to do exceptional things for God -- but we do not. we have to be exceptional in the ordinary things of life, and holy on the ordinary streets, among ordinary people...
yeah, that was huge for me today. sometimes i find it so easy to forget that God made me human. yeah, i'm allowed to screw up. and make mistakes. i'm not perfect. i'm normal(ish). and God is God, and we should leave our roles that way. sometimes i (mentally) beat myself up about "not doing the right thing," but God's grace never ends. His mercies are new every morning. great is Thy faithfulness! wow...and it is always good to get a nice swift kick in the pants/reminder such as this. and i hope it was encouraging to someone else too. man, this Oswald is one intellectual/spiritually adept fellow...
ok, last thought. i'm reading Captivating again. yeah, and i'm super excited about it. random info: i just finished I Kissed Dating Goodbye (no, i'm not dating anyone right now. but it was interesting to read, and it was surprisingly applicable to many relationships in life...). yeah, so i was planning on quoting a piece or two from Captivating to give you a few for it, but 1) it's hard to pick just one quote 2) i want to encourage everyone to read it, especially women, since that is who it was written for. it really is an amazing book that has helped me to realize who i am created to be/become. yeah, that and alot more. basically, it's amazing. and if i had a book club like Oprah, this would be the first one on the list. heck, i'm sure O would love this one too! yeah, it's great. (hmm...i wonder if they'll give me any money for publicly endorsing it...) but really, go out and buy it, it's worth your money. (except if it's your birthday soon...) ok, done with that. well for now. i'm sure you'll hear me ranting/raving about it again in the very near future. ok, done.
but, i should go to bed now. it technically is already Sunday, and i want to have some sleep, as i have done morning shifts four days in a row...bed time. when i was little, i never would've guessed that someday i'd be so excited about this time of the day...

good. hard. but GOOD.

that seems to be the motto for my life lately. yeah, i know that i am so blessed, and that i am not persecuted for my beliefs or starving or dying or anything like that, but just let me have my pity party. actually, i've talked myself out of it. nevermind. lol.
nevetherless, i have been struggling with some issues lately, but God is SO faithful, and it's good. it really is. and i'll leave it at that.
so, i came home from work the other night, and was just amazed at how big that dark/clear sky really is. it's out there. i wanted to take a picture, but would that really capture how magnificent it is? um, no. i felt like i could see forever, if i just stared long enough. and sometimes that would be a welcome escape from this crazy busy world we dwell in. (well, at least we don't live on "The Truman Show"...does anyone remember that movie? i really liked it...) oh, how i long for the nights when i get the chance to just lay on that grass, looking at that sky, marveling at how AWESOME our Creator is. why don't i do that more often? i need to just do it one night, no matter how cold it is. and i will. soon. make me.
speaking about stars and constellations. there seems to be one appearing on my face. oh, how i deeply dislike skin issues. and i thought i was over that. maybe this is revenge for all of those years of clear skin, when i made fun of Rachel and her issues. and now it's your turn to laugh at me...
and i feel fat. there, i said it. i know i'm not, but i feel it. maybe, because i just had supper. and i feel lazy as i'm holed up in the house. and i need to exercise. and to drink water.
wow, this is one major pep talk for me tonight. i have so much to do, and so little time. why do i rush myself to do everything in such an impossible amount of time? i only get disappointed with myself! oh, and i feel stuck in a rut. SOMEONE PULL ME OUT!!!
ok, so this isn't getting any happier. and it started off so upbeat. oh well. back to work tomorrow. i don't know how to end this... ok, so this pity party is officially over.

why can't we have Thanksgiving every day?

wow. it's been a while. LOTS has happened over the last week and a bit. life has been busy, friends. it's so strange how time just seems to slip through one's hands, but i guess you all know that.
yet, today being a day of thanks (heck, a weekend of thanks!), i think it important to really reflect on what i am truly grateful for. and i've realized there is alot.
LIFE. my huge family to have Thanksgiving dinner with (and being at home for it!). God's unconditional love. uninhibited worship. close friends who come home for the weekend. having Saturday though Monday off this weekend. the b-e-a-utiful colors of fall. forgiveness, no matter how often i manage to screw it all up. health. the spiritual lows so that i can appreciate the highs. being so close to family that i can walk to and visit them whenever i want. a job. my parents' house and vehicle which they so graciously allow me to call home and to use to transport myself to various places. freedom. unreasonably warm weather at this time of the year. relationships. how God reveals Himself to me in so many different ways. travelling. how unique each person is. emotions. words. that time of the day when the sun is setting and casting shadows of everything. Chinese food. amazing/challenging conversations that make you think. flowers. hope. memories. Sundays when i get to go to church. sleep. music that portrays how you feel in that exact moment. eating ridiculous amounts of food, and then having dessert.
and the best thing is that it is so hard to stop once you get started...but then again, why should i/we?

wow...

this is pretty amazing. read and watch on...
http://cjcphoto.com/can/
and then i cried.

the promised pictures...

yeah, so i miss her/us alot. ["is it Christmas yet?!?"] there we are, shucking corn (remember our quote that summer night Rachie?...lol.). oh, and them too, my girls (Rachael, Rosie, and Rachel) representing their beloved schools. yes, schools that have yet to own me. but they have them and for that, we do not get along, me and those schools...


my lunch at Hong's Kitchen yesterday. two words: mmm Chinese. do you see my tea? yes, that my friends is fresh off the boat (FOB) tea. jasmine, in fact. it smelled like China. heck, yesterday it was China for me. good times...

one week later...

wow. i can't believe it's been over a week since i've last posted. lots has happened, and today, i hope to share a glimpse of it with you all. and yes, there will be pictures. (er...i guess just one, since this computer is acting stupid. again. oh well...i'll get more pics later...)
so, where do i even start? well, work has been a major part of my life over the last while and will continue to be for the next few months (note me looking exceptionally fine in my work threads. sexy, eh? please note the tie. enough said.), so let's begin there. after coming home from my job many a day wondering how that time flew by and what i actually did to fill it and why i felt so meaningless after a good 9 hours of labor, i decided that something needed to change. i needed to make work work for me and not just me for it. ok, so let me explain. i don't want to just work and be ruled by it. i want to add my own flair. figure out how i can bless others while i'm working hard to do a quality job. i want to take time to serve others and not just run around like Mike the headless chicken trying to get everything done at the same time. i can't. i'm only human. i want it to be a ministry to others, as i serve with my time and extra effort. yeah, so maybe it sounded better in my head. basically, i want to enjoy work and not just put in my time. i want to use it to stretch myself and yeah. it makes sense to me. i can try to explain it not on paper if you're really curious. moving right along, though...
on Monday night, i made my debut as a GEMS (Girls Everywhere Meeting the Savior) counselor for the girls in grade 5 & 6, put on by my home church. i have to admit that i was a little scared after making this committment, because this is alot of responsibility, promising to help moldable little people to have to a relationship with God. yes, not a vow to take lightly, indeed. however, thanks to the prayer and encouragement of friends and my trusty sidekick/helper Melissa, the first meeting went famously. the girls are great. quiet but fun. i actually feel kind of guilty that they are so managable, as this is not the case with all classes. anyway, i'm super excited about what we will be learning this year, and i'm sure that i will be challenged right along with them.
i also have come to discover something new about myself. yes, 19 years later. i AM artsy. ok, so maybe not in the way a painter uses his brush to paint what he thinks fruit look like or a musician plays his violin to add another dimension to life or an author writes a book that inspires someone to change their way of life, but i am. artsy-ish, i mean. who would've thunk? i have found that i enjoy putting time into working with my hands to make cards for others. i find it fulfilling to intentially make something for someone, putting time and thought into it, and to give it to them to bless them. i just love the feeling of accomplishment of seeing something start to finish, it not looking half bad, and thinking about what it may potentially mean to them. yeah, i think gifts and words or affirmation are my gifts. at least that's what my mom says...
nevertheless, this was a shocking realization, yet one i am happy about. yay. and all this time i thought there was nothing artsy to me...
ok, so today was my day off, and guess what my mother and i did for our weekly rendevous (ok, so every time i have some days off, my mother and i always end up heading out somewhere -usually shopping, once to Truro to pick up the kids, and once even to a birthday party. i know. pretty dang exciting.)? WE WENT OUT FOR CHINESE FOOD!!! yep, the real stuff. and i even had real Chinese tea. yep, jasmine. i was so excited. and there are pictures to prove it. it was fun. and tonight, i went with my cousin Laura to her school, and i crashed their intervarsity group. yep, pretty sure i'm the only one not in school, let alone theirs. but i really enjoyed my time there. we chatted, sang some songs, and watched a really awesome/inspiring/challenging video by Rob Bell. the nooma series. this one was on riches. i like them thus far, and i'm excited about going back...
ok, well i need to end this one here, because 1) it's getting long and 2) i have to work in the morning. but, thankfully not at 5AM...
well, thanks for reading this. i know it's long. maybe i should consider posting more frequently and smaller updates on my life...

"this little light of mine..."

"do all things without grumbling or disputing; so that you will prove yourselves to be blameless and innocent, children of God above reproach in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you appear as lights in the world..." philippians 2:14-15 (nasb)
wow. i really needed to hear that today. lately, i've been beginning to see myself fit right in with this world. i have found it quite easy to act and actually be like those around me. and while it's not bad to fit in, it is definitely not good to compromise who you are to do so. at work in the last few days, i have found myself to be snappy, impatient, quick to judge and to act on my judgments, among countless other things. and i don't like this person i'm becoming. i'm supposed to be a light in this world, not one of those onetime use flashlights, but a 100,000 watt maglight! ok, so maybe that's going a little far, but you get my drift. didn't Jesus call us to be strangers in this world? we are supposed to be different! it's a good thing! i want people to be able to see Him working in me and hopefully through me. i want to be integrous, compassionate, and patient, because this is what He has called me to and because i want to please Him. i want to show people that being a Christian, a Christ follower, can be fun and not legalistic. it's fulfilling. it's where it's at. i want to minister to these people. i know i dream of one day going to Vancouver and maybe someday back to China to minister to the people there, but i need to recognize that this is my mission field RIGHT NOW. this is where i'm at. i guess a part of me wants to be "ready" before i venture out to fulfill this calling, but i know that i will never be "there." i guess right now i'm being called to be true to myself and to my God, to my weaknesses but to my strength in Him...yeah.
as a child, when we used to sing "this little light of mine" after bedtime devotions, we would add another verse. at the very end, we would always sing, "let it shine over Shubenacadie, i'm going to let it shine..." isn't God amazing to plant that desire then and to make it grow now? i do want to share this light and this love from Him, so i guess i know what i've got to do...

ummm...

yeah, so this should be an interesting blog, since i'm not even sure what i'm going to exactly say yet...
so, let's start off with, 'yay, i really am not "addicted" to blogging, since i haven't written in a couple of days!' but then again, maybe i am, because i'm always thinking of what i'm going to write next. and how it's going to sound when i write it humorously/profoundly/and other -lys. but not today. nope, this is going to be as random as somethingthatiscompletelyrandom...yep, there should be a little bit of something for everyone in today's trail mix of a blog. (hopefully it's one of those delicious mixes with m&m's and peanuts and cashews, and not one of those less-favored ones with raisins and other dried up shriveled things...)
so, i love being independent. this is one thing i miss while living at home. don't get me wrong, i love eating mom's delectable meals and not having to worry about little things, such as i don't really even remember. but she's gone this weekend, and there's just something about domestically putting a load of laundry in and doing the dishes. it's fulfilling. i like seeing disorder and then fixing it and seeing the finished, ordered product. yeah...
but i hate when i don't know how to make a disordered something orderly. for instance, my life. i don't know 100% what i'm doing/should be doing in January. and maybe that's not such a bad thing? i don't want to get into a lot of detail right now (please feel free to ask me about it all sometime if you're curious, though...), but i would just like to extend an invitation to all of you who read this to pray for me over the next while. i just really need/want direction. and i need your help. thanks, guys.
ps: God is SO amazing! i can't even begin to describe how awesome He is. for instance, i have been feeling really down on myself lately for just being so sinful. i had this idea in my head that since i have been a Christian for so long, that i shouldn't be struggling so much (as you can probably tell, pride is one of these sins...), but i am now more than ever. i just can't seem to get out of the rut i'm in. i know that i am wrong in a lot of my actions and thoughts, but the desire to change doesn't make its way from my head to my heart, as cliche as that sounds. but He reminded me just this morning that His grace is sufficient for me, and it covers me always, not just in the first 5 years of being His child or whatever. i am His and He is mine! and He is continually working in me...how encouraging. He is SO faithful.
and i'll leave it at that for now...

a crazy little thing called "life"

a friend just asked me how my life is. i replied, "Good. I'm enjoying it."
and i meant it.
i enjoy seeing new people at work. especially Asian ones (warm smile on my face as i remember way back, when i was in China...), a rare commodity in NS. work is fulfilling, and the time passes quickly. it is good to be home, too. it is relaxing, and i enjoy spending time with my family, time that i value now and i may not get to appreciate later. it is also so great to be a serving member in the church that has nurtered, encouraged, and supported me since the day i was born. i feel so content.
ok, so about a month ago, i didn't think that i'd be truthfully saying this at this point in my life. August 7 was the sad day that i decided not to go back to Vancouver right away to staff YWAM as was previously planned, the day that i admitted to myself that i knew that i needed to be home for a period of time, a place that i so desperately wanted to get away from for no other reason than i wanted to be adventurous and daring and didn't want my "wings to be clipped" by staying home. i had just gotten back from Winnipeg, Vancouver, and China, and i wanted to continue going wherever the wind would take me! literally. and, for some strange reason, i have always had this perception that certain young people who stick around Shubie and who don't go to school but decide to just "settle" for a seemingly boring job are going "nowhere" in life. oh how my perspective changed when i became one of these people! but, i also realized how judgmental and close-minded this view is. just because i didn't feel it to be right for my life at most points, it doesn't mean that it's not more than a great idea for others! how humbling...
yeah, and it's funny/ironic that i am feeling so content thus far in a place that i never dreamed i would be. i guess this goes to show that God really does know what He's talking about. like i had any doubts...but i did.
and now, trying to look forward to the future, what's next? i know i need to be here right now, not living in the future. a close friend once told me of her wise father's motto:"wherever you are, there you'll be." so deeply true. but i also don't want to put off thinking about what's next. where is God leading me? is it back to Vancouver? why do i want to go back? is it because of a genuine feeling of being called to the people and ministry there? is it just because i love Vancouver and the people at the base? is this enough? so many questions and too few answers...all that i know is that if i go back, it's going to be because i know that's where God wants me. and i won't go if it's not in His plan. no matter how much i may think i want to.
so, where does this leave me? i need to be faithful in prayer and seeking God out. i need to be listening to His leading, no matter how much my sinful nature denies it's presence. i need help. i can't do it alone...thankfully, my God is so faithful! more faithful than i will or ever can dream to be. i wrote once that i couldn't lose Him even if i wanted to. so true...

milk and two sugars

i heart tea. it is just so useful. it makes you feel better when you have a cold AND when you feel cold (a state which i am too often found to be in). good ol' red rose does the trick. however, i might add that i am quite fond of the China tea, i will call it. there are just so many kinds of delicious flower teas, green teas, black teas, yellow teas, etc., and the way they prepare it is so neat (as we winter 2006 DTSers found out in our tea art class). and it's so healthy for you. yep, i could drink it all day. and i actually have. oh how i enjoy the little leaves that get stuck in your teeth...good times. anyways, that's what i have to say about tea. the end.

first post...

wow. i've been hoping/planning to do this for a while now, and in the midst of my boredom/for something to do and to have a place to express what is going on in this mind of mine, this blog site has finally come to fruition tonight. yay. plus, it was on my list of things to do.
so, you may be wondering why the title, "my engedi." well, if you will turn with me to 1 Samuel 23:29, you will discover how God provided David with this "engedi," a place of safety while he hid from a murderous Saul. (ps: no one that i know of is attempting to murder me at this point in time.) my hope and prayer for this blog is that it will be a safe place for me to express my thoughts/ideas/dreams/hopes/comments. basically, i want to be able to get it all out and try to make sense of my often jumbled reasoning. and you get to see it all! and you can comment too. yay for you.
ok, thus ends this somewhat formal introduction to this blog thingy...