joy.

my middle name is joy.

1. the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally
good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation.

a characteristic that, as of late, i have been longing for, wishing that i personified.

for a time, Nehemiah 8:10 was my motto in life:

...the joy of the LORD is your strength.

i loved that verse and it gave me much strength to know that this experience, more than just a fleeting feeling, comes from Him. but then i guess i forgot...

forgot what it meant to be joyful, to live a joy-filled life. i remember reaching a certain point in my life, and sincerely believing that i would have to stop being "weird" in order for people to like me. i would have to put aside my humor, which was often seen as different and maybe a bit immature, in order to be accepted. i let a little bit of joy be stolen from me. and i mourned this. yes, maturing is a part of growing up, but i felt that i would have to forsake who i was just to fit in. sad.

coming back from living in Vancouver for almost a year, i have realized that i have taken on the responsibilities of adulthood and life, while often sacraficing my laugh and delight in the little things. i was talking on the phone with my mom a few weeks before i arrived back in NS-probably sharing some amazing and profound lesson learned from difficulty- and somewhat out of the blue, she said that she missed my laugh. this caught me off guard. i realized that i have been just going and going and haven't taken the time to do things that i love, things that fill me with joy. journaling, praying, reading. again, i so longed for the joy after which i have been named.

all these words and ramblings just to say that i have really enjoyed this last week, being home in NS with family and friends, minus alot of the stresses of the city life. it seems that i am on the way to finding my joy in God again. what an exciting time!

beautiful.

i was walking home tonight and was thinking about this picture that i had taken on the way to church one day, and it dawned on me: no matter how ugly and sinful we are, God has called us beautiful. we are beautiful to Him despite our brokenness. we are beautiful in our absolute need for Him. we are beautiful because we are His, and He loves us. and that's enough. we are beautiful, and we haven't done anything to deserve it. and we don't need to.
now, isn't that beautiful?

here i am again...

i know i say this almost every time, but i can't believe it's been a month again. time is flying...
today is a day off from the craziness that is my life. well, actually not really. i still have a list of things that need to be done, but i'm just doing them from home today. i don't mind, though. it's fun staying in your pjs till 12ish.
since my last post, i have been thinking and talking a lot about how i should spend my time wisely. i have realized that i often allow myself to feel guilty regarding time. i feel obligated to stretch and divide it in various directions, when i really should guard it and focus on investing it into the things that i am truly passionate about, the things on God's heart that He has placed on mine to care about. and caring about myself is one of them. and as i type these words, i believe them...kind of. now i just need to live them.
so, this begs the question. do i go to Chiliwagon tonight? i feel like i have to, since others won't be there. will the night go on without me? yes, yes it will, but i can't get over the fact that i will feel guilty when i don't go, when -heaven forbid- i take time for myself. but how much time off is too much time off? when does self-care turn into selfishness? i guess the same question could be posed, "how much work is too much work?" no one can really tell you. you just know. i guess my problem is that i just don't know. i don't believe that guilt is from God. conviction yes, guilt no. yet, i allow myself to be controlled by it. when will it stop? i just wish that the line was a little bit less of a blur to me.
ok, this is turning out to be more of an internal pondering turned external than i hoped. but does anyone have any solid advice/ stories of life lessons to assist me in this struggle? i just want to do the right thing...(and isn't that another topic that could be discussed for hours?)
and maybe it's not even about work or lack of it or whatever, as my lovely roommate just pointed out.
either way, i think (no, i know) that i need to go to God for some clarity in this pressing fog. He knows all of the answers to these seemingly endless questions...why does this truth so easily slip my mind?
yes, there is hope. even for me. [that was my attempt to lighten the mood, in case you missed it]

waiting...

as i sit at my desk waiting for my accounting to "verify its integrity" before i head off for the night, i have a moment to ponder life.
it's been good. another full week. something to do, someplace to be every night.
Monday= actually a coveted "stayathome" night
Tuesday= Chili Wagon
Wednesday= Small group
Thursday= *Aquafit* (new addition to the list)
Friday= going to a baby shower at church
so, i fill my nights with things -not to mention working long hours every day,- but do i actually enjoy them? do i receive life from them? or are they just other things to make me feel busy, to help me feel like i am finally investing and fitting into this place i call home?
hmmm...makes me think.
am i leaving enough time for me to be re-energized, to just breathe?
weeks just seem to fill up so fast when you get older. i remember when i was younger, thinking that i had all the time in the world and that it was taking forever for me to get older. time seems to be something that just slips through your fingers, something that you can never have back. am i using it wisely? am i giving enough or too much? what about what's best for me?
oh, balance. i need it to be sane. and i don't have it.
that must mean that i'm going crazy...
well, my computer is done doing its thing.
now i just have to figure out the answers to all of these questions...

sigh...

...and a contented one at that.
it's been a good weekend. a welcome visit from a sister. a surprisingly non-stressful shopping trip. a rousing 2 games of bowling. an extra hour of sleep. church. a productive afternoon. anticipation of reading a good book, in my freshly clean sheets, after a warm bath. and finally posting on this blog.
i don't really have much to write tonight. God is faithful. life is full. i am content for now.
so, i will leave you with some pictures from the last month and a bit to look at and hopefully enjoy.
may God bless you, and may you rest in His peace...

trees?
eating Dutch pancakes at the Wooden Shoe Cafe
with friends at the GO Conference
stillness
two favorites: bubble tea and Karmyn

(almost in that order...i REALLY love bubble tea...)

the lovely Cheryl (aka. head cook) and myself in my favorite grandma apron

pictures of the finished product...minus curtains

but first, some cute/funny people that came to our open house/ paint job revealing last Sunday eve:





ok, now to the finished product. this is the room in our lovely house that belongs to Hillary and i. we love it. and we hope you do too. if you do, let us know. do keep in mind that there will be curtains over the windows in the very near future. it is only through a series of very unfortunate events that they are not up as of yet...anyway, here you go!

oh, life...

i can't even describe this thing called "my life" right now. there are no words -heck, thoughts to be put to words- at this point. now, before you think i've gone and got all emo with myself, let me explain. i feel like i haven't had time to think over the last...i don't even know how long. life has been just one big blur.
bbbbbbbbbbbllllllllllllllllllllllluuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. there you have it. one of those.
yikes, i hate when i get to this point of no return. well, i hope it's not that drastic. yes, yes there is hope. i know, this comment seems kind of out of place, but if you only knew how significant this revelation has been to me...yes, i DO have hope! amen.
on a seemingly random tangent (but aren't they all, this post?), i am reading 4 book thingys (plus other random devotional things) at one time, something i promised myself i would never do. i hope this feat stretches me as a person or something like that. and they are...[drumroll please]: effective prayer (R.C. Sproul), the hobbit (J.R.R. Tolkien), the Banner, and breaking free (my 1/2 hour a day for 5 days of the week Bible study book that i am already behind in because of extenuating circumstances, by the one and only Beth Moore). yes, a huge feat. i wonder if/when i'll ever get them finished...
sorry (in my very Canadian way) for the randomness of this post. but, i think i am almost due for one of these crazy/deep/random writings. it's been awhile since i've leaked my straight up peculiar self onto the screen...
and i WILL get on to putting those pictures on here. they are on my camera, just itching to be put onto a computer and posted for your viewing pleasure. but right here, right now, i just can't be bothered to do it. that, and i kind of like keeping you -the few, as i have lovingly dubbed you-in suspense. but not for long, seeing as some of you just might jump onto a plane (assuming that you're my mom or another person that lives in NS) and hold my life ransom until your queries are subdued.
until then...
chow for now.

"the adventure of the crazy roommates"

this adventure, starring Rebecca and Hillary -2 seemingly silly girls-, started off with the decision by the 5 women of the house to finally paint the bedrooms of the house they'd been living in for the last 4 months. after priming one housemate's room and helping to paint the other 2 housemates' room and patiently waiting for the right day (ie. Monday), the roomies' time had finally come. they would embark on their goal: to paint their room (as shown below) in...

ONE DAY!

on Saturday, R&H had taken down their bunkbeds, moved much of their furniture and belongings out of the room into the already catastrophically messy living room and kitchen, and spackled the many holes in the walls, among other things. crazy times. the roommates proceeded to sleep in the livingroom that night, amid their said belongings and perhaps all of the material possessions of the people of the house, for too many nights.

after taking a Sabbath on Sunday, early Monday AM found the roommies cutting in, painting one coat of primer and 2 coats of their fabulous paint choices. yes, it sounds simple and even elementary, but anyone who has ever attempted such a feat knows that there is much much more involved in this process.

tensions DO arise and paint fights ARE had.

but really, besides learning how to backroll after painting a dark color onto a wall (since dark colors of paint are often thinner) to help it set and figuring out the best way to cut in or how to get paint out of the carpet, often, other more important lessons are learned. such as, being patient with your roommate when she needs to just take a break and how to be ok with life (and painting) not being perfect and how to love your roommate at the end of the day, no matter how frustrated you are that you didn't get it all finished in one day...


contrary to urban myth, Rebecca and Hillary did survive the ordeal and are quite happy to report that their room is finished! by Wednesday evening, the new beds and mattresses were placed in the freshly painted room, and both roommates were moving in in their own ways, Hillary by putting her pictures on the wall and Rebecca by moving everything in and putting it in its proper place. the roommates are very glad to be done with this adventure and don't hope to look at wet paint again for a while. they are enjoying their transformed room and making it their own once again. they look forward to unveiling it at a party in the near future! pictures of the finished room and its proud owners will follow at a later date.

"community of clothelines"

the sound of rope against reel lingers in the late afternoon, early evening air
as neighbors put damp, freshly cleaned, fabric-softened clothes out
and pull sundried, starchy crisp, wind-smelling sheets in

laundry on the line tells one so much
how daring, how conservative
how simple, how superlative

what do you share?
what do you want to hide?

laundry brings what's hidden in the mysterious, dark house
to the bright, revealing green backyard outside

the sound of rope against reel lingers in the late afternoon, early evening air
in this community of clotheslines

coming and going.

so, i'm leaving tomorrow at 6:30 AM for a 12ish hour drive to Montanna for a conference with YWAM, but i really wanted to make sure that i wrote a blog before i left. thus, here i am on the computer at 1:18 AM doing it. call me silly, i just hope that somebody actually views this...

i finally went to the ocean (Spanish Banks) on this side of the country for the first time. i know, hard to believe but true. thanks, Joel and Carla, for introducing me to the Pacific. we liked each other. later on that week, i went to Whistler for the first time. it was fun to hike down the mountain from our hotel to go eat. good times had by all.

then, my awe-inspiring ten days of MA hosting was upon me. what an amazing time of God revelation and learning and making mistakes and growing. i loved doing it, especially because i knew that this is where God specifically had me for this short period of time. on Thursday, we did this thing called "Temple Tour," where we visited a Buddist temple and a Muslim mosque (as well as the local temple-ish mall in Burnaby). i LOVE learning about different religions, so this was a wonderful experience for me. the Buddist temple brought back my heart, along with a flood of memories, for China. it was really good to remember...

my team from The Dalles, OR was pretty amazing. whether we were riding the bus to and from amazing daily outreaches, drinking some fresh bubble tea from the local store, or just taking some photos on the last night, it was a blast. i miss these guys and hope they come back next year. i really learned alot from being with them while they were in the city that i love.

4 words: my roommates are amazing. on the morning of my 20th birthday, they decorated the house with balloons that described me in one word (well, the nice ones at least...). it was real' sweet. then i talked on the phone with my Mom and Rachel and Sara as i opened up my big box of presents from them. they made it ok for me to not be there with them for the first time ever. after that, i headed to the MA venue, where we had a staff meeting for the first time in a long while, and then we proceeded to have cake in celebration of my birth. it was great. i felt so loved from all the angles that day.

ok, so this is it for now. i'm off to bed and then Montanna. please pray for safety and fun times and times of growth for us all. also, for patience as 13 people from ages 8-40 something will be sharing a 15 passenger van for the trip. thank you.

until i post again...

collide.

that is what my life and anything to do with it did today. collide. all of my insecurities, fears, frustrations, thoughts, and questions converged into one sloppy mess of tears and angst, with perhaps a dash of bitterness, and it came crashing through the self-constructed walls of my heart, tumbling out of my mouth to my parents on the phone today. oh parents. i thank God for you and your timely beingthereforme in my hour of need.
"so, what does this collision look like?" you ask. well, this week (actually, the next 10 days) i will be taking on the role of hosting in the Mission Adventure program that YWAM runs in the summer. and this involves me facing many of the said issues straight on. and that scares me. alot. but i know that this is where i need to be in my relationship with God right now. trusting fully in Him because i can't in myself. it should be interesting.
so, pray for me. if you think of me during your day. right now, as you read this blog. please, pray for me. it means so much to me.
and i trust that i will be better for this. i anticipate discomfort and pain, but also newfound growth and strength as these weak, unused muscles are torn and healed, torn and healed, again and again. God will provide. and i'm excited to see Him do so in my empty self in this upcoming 10 days.

promised pictures...

i always find it difficult to pick the 5 magic pictures to post, that will accurately represent my life, or at least how i perceive it. i have so many that i wish to share with the world, and i guess that i could post more -all of them if i'd like- but i don't wish that upon anyone, unless they are my family, who i force at spoon point to view my cds upon cds of photographs. it's true. just ask them.

that said, i hope you enjoy the ones i have chosen to share. may they be a well-rounded representation of it all...

the legendary Shubenacadie Canada Day Parade with copius amount of rescue vehicles...where do they all come from?!?!

a much-needed break in the hotel pool from our long traveling day produced this fine photo op...

and then i had 4 beautiful sisters...

...but i have been aching especially for this one

yet, this is what i come back to. Vancouver. Commercial Drive. this picture is from the Commercial Drive Car Free festival that happened about a month ago. they blocked off a whole bunch of streets so that eating, dancing, and general laughter and community building events would ensue. and they are doing it again this weekend. days like these make it ok to be in Vancouver away from the safe comfort of friends and family. thank you, God for calling me here...

Nova Scotia, Ontario, and back...

wow...it's been awhile. well, i guess all of my posts could start with this familiar phrase, but still. i meant to do one of these this past weekend, but instead, i decided to have a rather social 2 days (consisting of an all afternoon BBQ at my friend Mark's and funtimes at the beach on Sunday w/Joel and Carla) thus it didn't get done. until now.
so, as many of you know and saw, from June 29-July 9, i was in the air/on the road, pretty much all across this fair country. i made a brief 2 day and 2 hour stop at my NS home and managed to have it pretty chock-full of crazy events, including seeing many friends and family from church.
then, we left at 4 AM on Tuesday with Listowel, Ontario, as our eventual goal. this was where my brand new sister-in-law, Sarah (ie. Sarah Dawn, Sezzy, crazyladywhowasonceinfatutatedwithmyworkuniform, etc. ...these nicknames come into existence when 3 Sara(h) Bokmas are had) is from. during the next 6 days, we, as a G&L Bokma family, were hugely blessed by the Slotegraaf family, who juggled hosting us, preparing for the wedding, and being super cool, all at the same time. and they did it quite well, i might add. indeed, it was fun.
yeah, basically it was an awesome vacation. too short, but so much fun. i was SO blessed by seeing many loved ones and spending quality time with them. God is good.
and now i'm back in Vancouver, no longer being able to look forward to such a time. yet, sometimes i find myself still anticipating a trip home to NS. until i realize that that time has already come and gone in a flash. but it was good. and totally worth it.
and that leaves me in Vancouver. once again facing the music. and what beautiful music it is. but there will be more on that later. for now, i will leave this reminiscent post with a promise of many pictures to come soon.
until then...

I HAVE A BIKE!!!

where do i even start? God has been so generous in His providence in my life. yes, i was thinking about how He has blessed me so much over the last few weeks, if not my whole life. He knows what i need and gives it to me when i need it. not before, not after. when i need it. and sometimes He just gives me little surprises, answers to prayers that i haven't even yet prayed.

i have a job at YWAM that i love and am passionate about (passion is something that i prayed for awhile back...notice the picture of my desk on a clean day!) and a bike (see the picture of it outside of our new YWAM base), among other things. i live in a house that i love, with people that i love (on most days) in a fantastic neighborhood, in a beautiful city. God has placed me in a group of people from church and YWAM that has allowed me to grow and learn. He blessed me with a camping trip the weekend after the May long one, that really rejuvenated me by just being in nature with God.

yes, GOD IS SO GOOD! i have nothing to complain about. life is good...i am SO blessed!

"bike for sale?"

this is not just the title of this post, but seems to be the heading of a good portion of the emails i have been sending out these days. to explain, let me tell you a story...
on Wednesday, i found the perfect bicycle: shiny new-ish, more than one speed for all of these hills in Vancouver, VINTAGE (i refer to this type -the U handle barred cruiser kind- as the "Dutch bike," seeing as this is the kind that i rode in Holland this past summer), and having other very likeable characteristics. i called the guy, he said that i was the first one to call, and we arranged a time and place when/where i could buy and pick it up. i thought i had it made in the shade. now, fast forward to Friday afternoon. just before i left the office to go pick up my new treasure, i called the gentleman to remind him of my coming, and he kindly told me that he had sold it. yes friends, HE had sold MY bike. "not fair," i told myself. "how dare he do this to me?"
now, i wish that i had some nice ending or lesson that i have learned from this, but i don't. yeah, i guess i realize that i don't "deserve" anything, and that any and every blessing is a gift from God. it's true. but, i still find myself bitter at this stranger for selling this bike. it just seems so unfair...and it is. but, who am i to argue for justice when limitless grace/mercy has been sent my way? yet, i still feel gutted when life doesn't go my way. kind of like how i wish people would extend all kinds of grace my way, but i can't find it inside myself to do likewise...
in other news, i feel like my life is kind of a gong show. weekends are meant for sleeping in. yet, here i sit at 2:18 AM, hoping to be awake at 8:45 AM, so that i can make my way to church. not on a bike. [get over it, Rebecca] and all i did today was eat and go to 2 parties. nothing too productive was done, except getting ready for these 2 parties. and tomorrow should be crazy too. eight people will be sleeping in our 3 bedroom house. a big "YAY!" for guests, and small *groan* for nothing getting done. oh well, i guess that's what Monday is for.
so, that's my life, right here, right now. i haven't even read my Bible lately, and i want to. maybe i should be doing that instead of writing blogs, complaining about the lack of two wheels in my life...
ok, well please still enjoy the picture of the girls (i live with all of them besides Krista and Laura) at our party tonight in celebration of the birth of Hillary.
(l to r: me, Hannah, Jacqui, Hillary, Krista, Laura, Jana)

more pictures...

so, these are some more somewhat random pictures of my life, etc.
i truly hope to blog about something that is actually current in my life someday soon...
1. luscious green grass in one of the many parks in Vancouver. this is one of the reasons why i can stay sane in a city. that, and it was like 20 degrees out today. in MAY!!!
2. crazy blue walls for Jessa and Jana's room. i have yellow along with my 2 roomies, and another girl has Pepto pink. you really have to see it to believe it.
3. crazy moving day
4. beautiful streets. i'll never get sick of those flowers. and i have pictures upon pictures to prove this.
5. my pastor Julia's 30th birthday