joy.

my middle name is joy.

1. the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally
good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation.

a characteristic that, as of late, i have been longing for, wishing that i personified.

for a time, Nehemiah 8:10 was my motto in life:

...the joy of the LORD is your strength.

i loved that verse and it gave me much strength to know that this experience, more than just a fleeting feeling, comes from Him. but then i guess i forgot...

forgot what it meant to be joyful, to live a joy-filled life. i remember reaching a certain point in my life, and sincerely believing that i would have to stop being "weird" in order for people to like me. i would have to put aside my humor, which was often seen as different and maybe a bit immature, in order to be accepted. i let a little bit of joy be stolen from me. and i mourned this. yes, maturing is a part of growing up, but i felt that i would have to forsake who i was just to fit in. sad.

coming back from living in Vancouver for almost a year, i have realized that i have taken on the responsibilities of adulthood and life, while often sacraficing my laugh and delight in the little things. i was talking on the phone with my mom a few weeks before i arrived back in NS-probably sharing some amazing and profound lesson learned from difficulty- and somewhat out of the blue, she said that she missed my laugh. this caught me off guard. i realized that i have been just going and going and haven't taken the time to do things that i love, things that fill me with joy. journaling, praying, reading. again, i so longed for the joy after which i have been named.

all these words and ramblings just to say that i have really enjoyed this last week, being home in NS with family and friends, minus alot of the stresses of the city life. it seems that i am on the way to finding my joy in God again. what an exciting time!

beautiful.

i was walking home tonight and was thinking about this picture that i had taken on the way to church one day, and it dawned on me: no matter how ugly and sinful we are, God has called us beautiful. we are beautiful to Him despite our brokenness. we are beautiful in our absolute need for Him. we are beautiful because we are His, and He loves us. and that's enough. we are beautiful, and we haven't done anything to deserve it. and we don't need to.
now, isn't that beautiful?

here i am again...

i know i say this almost every time, but i can't believe it's been a month again. time is flying...
today is a day off from the craziness that is my life. well, actually not really. i still have a list of things that need to be done, but i'm just doing them from home today. i don't mind, though. it's fun staying in your pjs till 12ish.
since my last post, i have been thinking and talking a lot about how i should spend my time wisely. i have realized that i often allow myself to feel guilty regarding time. i feel obligated to stretch and divide it in various directions, when i really should guard it and focus on investing it into the things that i am truly passionate about, the things on God's heart that He has placed on mine to care about. and caring about myself is one of them. and as i type these words, i believe them...kind of. now i just need to live them.
so, this begs the question. do i go to Chiliwagon tonight? i feel like i have to, since others won't be there. will the night go on without me? yes, yes it will, but i can't get over the fact that i will feel guilty when i don't go, when -heaven forbid- i take time for myself. but how much time off is too much time off? when does self-care turn into selfishness? i guess the same question could be posed, "how much work is too much work?" no one can really tell you. you just know. i guess my problem is that i just don't know. i don't believe that guilt is from God. conviction yes, guilt no. yet, i allow myself to be controlled by it. when will it stop? i just wish that the line was a little bit less of a blur to me.
ok, this is turning out to be more of an internal pondering turned external than i hoped. but does anyone have any solid advice/ stories of life lessons to assist me in this struggle? i just want to do the right thing...(and isn't that another topic that could be discussed for hours?)
and maybe it's not even about work or lack of it or whatever, as my lovely roommate just pointed out.
either way, i think (no, i know) that i need to go to God for some clarity in this pressing fog. He knows all of the answers to these seemingly endless questions...why does this truth so easily slip my mind?
yes, there is hope. even for me. [that was my attempt to lighten the mood, in case you missed it]