oh, what to write?

that day has rolled around once again. the day when my overwhelming guilt of establishing a blogspot and telling you that i'll be regularly posting and then leaving it dormant for a month at a time, so now i should write something just to quench your thirst for another month, day.
sigh. i really want to write something that will make you laugh or really just sit still and think, but i just don't know what to say. [there's a first, eh?] often, my deep and profound moments of thought are also inconvenient ones. they often occur when i'm riding my bike or in the shower, and i just cannot put my thoughts down before they leave my head.
as i write, i'm sitting outside on my covered porch during my favorite time of the day: golden hour. it's such a romantic time. i'm sipping my coke and vanilla extract beverage (no really, it's tastier than it sounds! and it's as close as i can get to vanilla coke...) and listening to some great music (check out Ingrid Michaelson's "the hat"). the day is beautiful and there is even the smell of freshly clean laundry in the air. yet, i feel so scattered.
i thought that this would be a perfect weekend. one of calmness (rest and reflection) before the storm (DTS+life) hit. but it's been a weird one. i don't even know how to describe it. it just is what it is.
and i guess i've been feeling really insecure lately. knowing that i'm an insecure leader and wanting to grow in this during this upcoming season. feeling and being awkward around people lately. not wanting to welcome new people in. wanting to grow in creativity, yet doubting my ability. anticipating my future with confidence and doubt at the same time. wanting deeper relationships, but not offering them to others. wondering all the time how people perceive me. do they laugh at and judge my faults? i know i do this. it's just so humbling feeling so awkward. and maybe that's what i need right now. humility. and grace, knowing that God loves me all the same, regardless of my awareness of self.
i hate that i feel i always have to come to a conclusion about where i am at. sometimes there are no answers to questions, yet i always feel the need to find one. and i think that some questions are meant to stay as such for awhile, until God reveals His purpose in them.
deep breath.
this is where i am now. reflecting life, all the while knowing that i'm in a new season of growth and becoming. and i take such great comfort in this. God is good. all the time. all the time. God is good.
amen.

my August in pictures.

so, friends, it is high time that i post some pictures of some of the highlights in my life over the past month. on a side note, i cannot believe that it is already (almost) September!!! where did this summer go? if you know, please inform me.

let us begin with my trip to NS at the end of July until August 9. one of the major events while i was there was the Bokma family reunion. and our birthday, but it really wasn't that big...

Beppe and Pake, the 2 who started it all (aren't they so cute?).

it was wonderful to be near family that had traveled both far and near to be there. this is Tante Linda and my cousin Hans with me on a bus tour of southern NS.

Pake and myself, outside the famed bus.

this is a picture of a secluded (or at least that's what i was told before changing into my bathing suit and meeting a friendly stranger before i was finished) beach in southern NS.
much of the fun and fellowship had during the reuniting was centered around the karaoke. you should've seen me all fired up, singing "Have You Ever?" in memory of my unrequited love in jr. high. for now, you can see Rachel breaking it down in the back.

this is a picture of most of the beautiful Bokma family in our matchy matchy t-shirts.
"we're FINALLY 21!"
i'm not sure why that's so exciting, but i think it has to do with the fact that we're not "only 20" anymore...

we went for a (free) mini-golfing escapade the day i left. it's a good idea to distract oneself with such activities when avoiding dealing with the emotions that are coupled with separation for an extended period of time. [ok, so my camera conked out for forever at this point in time, so my photo documentation of the following weeks is not as extensive as when i had a functioning camera. your understanding is appreciated]

next, after less than a week back in Vancouver, i was off again, this time headed not so far east to Pinawa, Manitoba for 10 days for a YWAM staff conference/retreat. as previously stated, few pictures were taken (none actually of the retreat or in MB...), so savor these next 3 snapshots...

this picture of Jana, myself, and Rene, depicts how excited we were to be on the road for 6 days total (3 there and 3 back).
this picture is of some of the gang that filled 11 of the 12 seats in
the 15 passenger van (you can see the van in the back).

this picture of Jana, myself, and Rene depicts how excited we are to be arriving home the next day.

it really has been a great August. "thanks!" goes out to all those who contributed to make it this way!
and, i know that you're probably thinking "wow! 3 posts in a row. Rebecca has repented of slacking off, posts-wise." yeah, sorry, this is just not true. i had lots to fill you in on. if things change, i'll let you know. right now, it's after 9 PM, and i have much more to do once i cross "writing a post about my August in pictures" off the list.

sometimes...

sometimes i hate looking at other people's blogs, because then i feel bad for not writing on mine often enough. and then, when i finally do get a creative urge and time, i write about how i never write....
it feels like life has thrown me somewhat of a curve ball this week. that, or i just wasn't prepared for what it would hold. after being home in NS for a bit over 2 weeks and then being in Vancouver for less than a week and then proceeding to jump into a van with 10 others headed to Pinawa, MB, for a YWAM Canada conference/retreat for 10 days total, i just didn't know which way was up. the aforementioned trips were all very special, meaningful, and important to me (and i'll post more about them soon), but i guess i didn't know what to expect next. over the course of this past week, our DTS has been cancelled and is now on again, i have had the joy of discovering some of the not-so-fun aspects of my anal personality, i have prayed about and think i know what is next after my commitment to YWAM is done, i have said goodbye to some close friends, i have taken on some new responsibilities that in hindsight might be a bit much, and more...
but, today is a new day. i don't feel as bewildered as i did earlier on this week. and over the last while, i have been learning some stuff. like how taking risks and trusting that God will always be with me wherever i am and whatever i do is much more freeing than being afraid of failure. that i can be excited about the future while still remembering the past with fondness. and how to proceed when i realize how stupid i can be to the people i care about.
it's been a weird/difficult week, but a good one. one of pain and change and transition, yet also one of perspective and hope and grace.

(picture taken by Rachel Anne Bokma)

an excerpt from my journal...

i hope to write in more detail regarding my life in the last month, but for tonight, i will just post an excerpt from my journal entry for today...

I just wanted to write down the thought of the day from our kitchen windowsill counter, since I find it so apt in the cynicism and jugmentalism that I too often find myself in:

"Living simply means concentrating on what's important in light of eternity, and not taking the rest of life too seriously."
-Annie Chapman

it is always so easy for me to fuss about whether or not the kitchen is clean to my specifications or if i feel life is being fair to me, but at the end of the day, i need to just get over myself and move on. this quote kinda puts it all into perspective. all too often, i need that swift kick in the pants.
well said, Annie. well said.

a trip down memory lane.

the other day, i was out and about and happened into the Dutch Girl Chocolate store on Commercial Drive. every time i go there, i wonder if and wish that they have one of my favorite candies that i used to get from my Beppe's candy drawer when i was a girl: lemon drops.
well, i had never seen them at the DGC store before, but the other day, much to my amazement and joyful discovery, i found out that they did indeed sell them there! so, i promptly bought them.
now, they aren't exactly the same ones that i remember (these ones are round, as you can see in the picture below, not lemon shaped), but they are still delicious and i'm pretty excited to bring this fun little discovery home with me when i go to NS next week. "yay!" for lemon drops.

(i apologize for the poor picture quality. recently, my digital camera display screen broke, so i have had to revert back to taking pictures by actually peeking through the little viewfinder hole. i'm still re-learning, as you can tell.)

my life in photos...

before i begin, i would just like to point out that the last time i posted was only a week ago. i'm getting better at doing this whole blog thing. perhaps a huge factor in this equation is that i finally have my computer in my hands...perhaps.
that said, i am going to forgo the whole typing thing, and use photos instead to fill you in on the goings on of my life thus far this summer.
so, sit back, relax, and prepare your optical organs for the adventure...

i helped plant a community garden with some friends
(this is a older photo, so it is not completely accurate...)

this is at a small group function, complete with some exuberant young men

this is Dez, Jennifer, and myself at the annual and equally delightful Commercial Drive Car-free Festival

speaking of "adventure," this photo depicts a couple of beautiful ladies that were on the Mission Adventure team from Colorado/Wyoming that i hosted in June

i have been drinking copious amounts of water. it is important and essential to do so. (there are no large glasses at the church that we are working at, but they do have measuring cups!)

spending time with small children of the same name
(Rebecca Jane and Rebecca Joy)

me, attending a fantastically fun toga-que (definition: a barbeque that you wear a toga to) hosted by the lovely Laura (pictured) and Radiant Rene (not pictured)

so, it has been a good summer so far, as you can see. i am looking forward to part 2 of this story, and am going into it knowing that i am so blessed to be here, with these people, at this time in my life.

waiting.

this moment is one of waiting.
waiting at the office for Jessa and Hillary, because Jessa forgot me here in her flurry of banking and needing to meet Hill at Superstore. i was supposed to be picked up somewhere in that mix of activity...
waiting for my new laptop (which is, for the moment, dubbed vanilla bean...i know, cheesy) to arrive. right now it's stuck in the "USA Ground Line Haul," whatever that means. it has been "there" (wherever "there" is) for over a week now, and i just want it to come. in some ways, i've been waiting 3 years for it, ever since my parents gave me money towards a computer when i graduated high school. *sigh* i know it's only an earthly treasure, but still...
waiting a couple more weeks to go back to the other side of Canada to be with my family, some who i haven't seen in over a year or more. some who i've never even met. i'm so excited to just be with those people.
waiting for much more. to know what i'm supposed to do in the next few years. for Mr. Right ("true love waits," right?). for life to happen, when i know it already is happening as i wait.
waiting. i'm not even sure if waiting is always a good thing. shouldn't i just carry on as usual? but some things need to be waited for. can i wait and still actively pursue life at the same time? heck, i'll give it a try. at least, i think that's what i've been up to lately.
waiting, oh waiting. maybe God is trying to teach me some patience through these things...

life update + (almost) a week with Mel + YWAM meeting update

my beloved readers,
yes, i am still alive.
once again, it has been a while since i last posted my thoughts and feelings about life. to sum up my absence, life is really good, but God is even better. i feel as if a lot of my ponderings and prayers have been answered, and this has allowed me to reach some major conclusions about what i believe God has in store for me.
1) i LOVE Vancouver and am becoming more passionate by the day about God's people here. i'm getting excited about what i think God is preparing me for.
2) i thoroughly enjoy the church family that God has blessed me with, and i am so inspired by how they yearn to see God move in this city. these are some amazing people.
3) God is always faithful, but i have been realizing His providence even more lately. He has given me so much encouragement and opportunities to grow in trust and faith and love. yay, God!

one of the things that has been so great about the last couple of weeks is that i just had my friend (and cousin) Melissa here. she arrived last week Wednesday afternoon and left last night. we had SUCH a wonderful time together, as this was Mel's first trip out west and it has been a long time since we've been able to spend this much concentrated time together.
seeing as 1) a picture equals 1,000 words and 2) i don't feel like being clever enough to write a book at this point in time 3) i happen to have some great pictures depicting our time together, i will leave it to the following snapshots (and some small captions) to do the talking.

Mel and i, posing at the Horseshoe Bay Ferry Terminal, where we went to pick up

Ryan Vanderkooy for a day's visit Ryan and Mel, waiting at the bus stop, which we did alot of

during our time together
hugging some trees (or was it just 1?) the 3 of us
Asian fingers, in the Chinese Sun Yatsen Gardens

Mel introduced me to the joy and mouth-watering deliciousness of Quizno's subs...mmm

yes, good times were had, indeed. and apparently, Mel and i wore the same clothes the entire time we spent together. ok, so maybe we didn't, but isn't it comforting to think that some things never change, even if they were clothes? ok, so again, maybe not so much. regardless, memories were made this week; confidence (and patience) was gleaned as we explored the city on the often unreliably late, yet brimming-with-beautiful-people buses; and fun and laughter ensued.

thanks, Mel, for gracing my life with your presence this week.

and to cap off this post, the meeting last week Wednesday (May 7) regarding the re-zoning application that YWAM Vancouver made to the city went ok. please continue to pray for favor with the city and patience and humility and love for us to extend to our neighbors. please email me if you're interested to hear more about how it went.

thanks for reading, friends.

blessings!

please pray...

hey friend(s) [not assuming, but still hoping that more than one person reads this]!
i would like to take this opportunity to ask you guys to pray for us at YWAM Vancouver, as we are still standing in faith for our ministry center on Napier Street.
on March 12, 2008, we saw God provide so that we could buy the building with a mortgage, and He has proven faithful time and time again.
however, right now, we are facing more than money problems. there have been some issues with our re-zoning application, regarding parking regulations and some other seemingly simple conundrums. one of the major problems that goes along with this is that if this application doesn't get accepted before the next city election in the fall, we will have to start the process over again. also, there have been some questions about our neighbors' views on us, as there have also been some lies or skewing of the truth told and believed by a few people in our neighborhood.
so, how to pray? there will be a community meeting on May 7, so please pray that this gathering will be informative and reassuring to some of our concerned neighbors and that we will receive support from them. please pray that as we are frustrated with the difficult circumstances we face, that we will continue to rely on God's grace in order to love our neighbors. and please pray that we will continue to see God provide in the way of finances.
thank you for standing with us.
God bless.
me

the view of my beautiful city from our rooftop
some of the YWAM Vancouver staff, standing in front of our big, yellow re-zoning sign

what to write?

hmmm...i was just sitting here, really wanting to write a new post, yet not knowing what i have to say. and i'm feeling a tad bit munchy, but that's beside the point.
alot has happened over these last few weeks. i'm actually still processing through some of it. none of it is super life changing, but it's still change. and i'm not always good with it. issues with re-zoning the YWAM building and raising money to buy it. DTS coming back from 3 different outreach locations. no DTS in March. possibly heading home to NS for MissionsFest Halifax at the end of March. going from a house of 2 to a house of 5 girls again, when 3 roommates came back from NZ and Indonesia.
and a big one:
Rachel coming. Rachel going.
my beloved sister came to visit me for 9 days in the midst of February, and that was very lovely. the weather was sunny and warm, i got to see more of my beautiful city through Rachel's eyes, and many memories were made. lovely indeed. please view the following pictures to see just how lovely it was.

Rachel, as she discovers the beauty of the mountains on our way to church

mmm...S-bux. this is a bit of a tradition that we've started. well, this was only the second time we've done it, but i think it's fun.

we had a beautiful afternoon at Lynn Canyon, and...

Rachel overcame her crippling (ok, so maybe not that severe) fear of heights, and this is her smiling on the suspension bridge! i'm so proud...

just thought i'd throw in a pic of myself, in one of my favorite places besides China: Chinatown.

aww...sisters. and icecream. what a great combination!

...and she fit in so well with my friends, Carla and Julia.

us, at Stanley Park, in our matching sweatpants. i wonder why people constantly stop and asked us if we are twins...?

was it truly lovely? yes. perfect? no. there are no pictures taken during small spats or emotional explosions.
yes, i was really glad to have her come, but i definitely had a hard time with the going back part.
also, i had really high expectations of our time together. basically, after a month of planning and dreaming of what we'd do, i envisioned perfection, and that was far from a realistic expectation. consequently, i was slightly grumpy and emotional, making for an unperfect time. we talked about it and i apologized for acting dumb, but it was not fun.
yet, it was a good visit. one that i do not wish was any different.
yes, it was difficult to completely ignore the fact that my earthly best friend would have to leave just a few days after arriving, but i was comforted in realizing that people can't make me happy, and i shouldn't put that expectation on them to do so. and this revelation allows me to find my hope of perfection in Jesus, the only One Who can fill me and complete me.
was this a messy realization? perhaps.
an even better question is this:
was it worth it?
and the answer?
heck yes.
and this is where i will leave my little random rant on change and how it has impacted me over the last while.
until next time...

i'm back!

this is my first post of 2008 and also the first post of the beginning of my second year in Vancouver. yes, i have been living here for more than a year now! my, how the first year flew by!
it has been very different to be back here again. things have changed drastically since the fall, during which a lot of the time i was running around like a chicken with its head cut off...at this time in YWAM Vancouver history, not much is going on in the office, since many of our staff and students are gone home for awhile or are on outreach.
while i am feeling a little bit unproductive, work wise (pic #1: Rene, Jana, and i, posing on the YWAM roof), i have thoroughly enjoyed filling my evenings with fun activities like the ESL Bible study on Mondays (pic #2: meet my two new friends, Korean ESL guests, BoRa and SoRa), aquafit on Tuesdays or Thursdays, Community Night and Vespers on Wednesday, and so on. i also had fun helping out at Missions Fest Vancouver this past weekend (pic #3: Rene, myself, Jill, and Jana).
so, it seems like this year is off to a good start, even if it is a bit different than the last. God is good, wherever we are, and He continues to teach and mold me through the different situations and circumstances that this time holds for me.
at this moment, i am feeling very satisfied. amen.

joy.

my middle name is joy.

1. the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally
good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation.

a characteristic that, as of late, i have been longing for, wishing that i personified.

for a time, Nehemiah 8:10 was my motto in life:

...the joy of the LORD is your strength.

i loved that verse and it gave me much strength to know that this experience, more than just a fleeting feeling, comes from Him. but then i guess i forgot...

forgot what it meant to be joyful, to live a joy-filled life. i remember reaching a certain point in my life, and sincerely believing that i would have to stop being "weird" in order for people to like me. i would have to put aside my humor, which was often seen as different and maybe a bit immature, in order to be accepted. i let a little bit of joy be stolen from me. and i mourned this. yes, maturing is a part of growing up, but i felt that i would have to forsake who i was just to fit in. sad.

coming back from living in Vancouver for almost a year, i have realized that i have taken on the responsibilities of adulthood and life, while often sacraficing my laugh and delight in the little things. i was talking on the phone with my mom a few weeks before i arrived back in NS-probably sharing some amazing and profound lesson learned from difficulty- and somewhat out of the blue, she said that she missed my laugh. this caught me off guard. i realized that i have been just going and going and haven't taken the time to do things that i love, things that fill me with joy. journaling, praying, reading. again, i so longed for the joy after which i have been named.

all these words and ramblings just to say that i have really enjoyed this last week, being home in NS with family and friends, minus alot of the stresses of the city life. it seems that i am on the way to finding my joy in God again. what an exciting time!

beautiful.

i was walking home tonight and was thinking about this picture that i had taken on the way to church one day, and it dawned on me: no matter how ugly and sinful we are, God has called us beautiful. we are beautiful to Him despite our brokenness. we are beautiful in our absolute need for Him. we are beautiful because we are His, and He loves us. and that's enough. we are beautiful, and we haven't done anything to deserve it. and we don't need to.
now, isn't that beautiful?

here i am again...

i know i say this almost every time, but i can't believe it's been a month again. time is flying...
today is a day off from the craziness that is my life. well, actually not really. i still have a list of things that need to be done, but i'm just doing them from home today. i don't mind, though. it's fun staying in your pjs till 12ish.
since my last post, i have been thinking and talking a lot about how i should spend my time wisely. i have realized that i often allow myself to feel guilty regarding time. i feel obligated to stretch and divide it in various directions, when i really should guard it and focus on investing it into the things that i am truly passionate about, the things on God's heart that He has placed on mine to care about. and caring about myself is one of them. and as i type these words, i believe them...kind of. now i just need to live them.
so, this begs the question. do i go to Chiliwagon tonight? i feel like i have to, since others won't be there. will the night go on without me? yes, yes it will, but i can't get over the fact that i will feel guilty when i don't go, when -heaven forbid- i take time for myself. but how much time off is too much time off? when does self-care turn into selfishness? i guess the same question could be posed, "how much work is too much work?" no one can really tell you. you just know. i guess my problem is that i just don't know. i don't believe that guilt is from God. conviction yes, guilt no. yet, i allow myself to be controlled by it. when will it stop? i just wish that the line was a little bit less of a blur to me.
ok, this is turning out to be more of an internal pondering turned external than i hoped. but does anyone have any solid advice/ stories of life lessons to assist me in this struggle? i just want to do the right thing...(and isn't that another topic that could be discussed for hours?)
and maybe it's not even about work or lack of it or whatever, as my lovely roommate just pointed out.
either way, i think (no, i know) that i need to go to God for some clarity in this pressing fog. He knows all of the answers to these seemingly endless questions...why does this truth so easily slip my mind?
yes, there is hope. even for me. [that was my attempt to lighten the mood, in case you missed it]

waiting...

as i sit at my desk waiting for my accounting to "verify its integrity" before i head off for the night, i have a moment to ponder life.
it's been good. another full week. something to do, someplace to be every night.
Monday= actually a coveted "stayathome" night
Tuesday= Chili Wagon
Wednesday= Small group
Thursday= *Aquafit* (new addition to the list)
Friday= going to a baby shower at church
so, i fill my nights with things -not to mention working long hours every day,- but do i actually enjoy them? do i receive life from them? or are they just other things to make me feel busy, to help me feel like i am finally investing and fitting into this place i call home?
hmmm...makes me think.
am i leaving enough time for me to be re-energized, to just breathe?
weeks just seem to fill up so fast when you get older. i remember when i was younger, thinking that i had all the time in the world and that it was taking forever for me to get older. time seems to be something that just slips through your fingers, something that you can never have back. am i using it wisely? am i giving enough or too much? what about what's best for me?
oh, balance. i need it to be sane. and i don't have it.
that must mean that i'm going crazy...
well, my computer is done doing its thing.
now i just have to figure out the answers to all of these questions...

sigh...

...and a contented one at that.
it's been a good weekend. a welcome visit from a sister. a surprisingly non-stressful shopping trip. a rousing 2 games of bowling. an extra hour of sleep. church. a productive afternoon. anticipation of reading a good book, in my freshly clean sheets, after a warm bath. and finally posting on this blog.
i don't really have much to write tonight. God is faithful. life is full. i am content for now.
so, i will leave you with some pictures from the last month and a bit to look at and hopefully enjoy.
may God bless you, and may you rest in His peace...

trees?
eating Dutch pancakes at the Wooden Shoe Cafe
with friends at the GO Conference
stillness
two favorites: bubble tea and Karmyn

(almost in that order...i REALLY love bubble tea...)

the lovely Cheryl (aka. head cook) and myself in my favorite grandma apron

pictures of the finished product...minus curtains

but first, some cute/funny people that came to our open house/ paint job revealing last Sunday eve:





ok, now to the finished product. this is the room in our lovely house that belongs to Hillary and i. we love it. and we hope you do too. if you do, let us know. do keep in mind that there will be curtains over the windows in the very near future. it is only through a series of very unfortunate events that they are not up as of yet...anyway, here you go!